How long has it been since I last saw you? I seem to have lost count. When did I last hear your voice or when did I last feel your touch? I seem to have forgotten how it was like being loved by you or how it was like loving you. Or how it was like to love at all. I seem to have forgotten everything. Everything that we once promised to last forever. How are you? Are you happy? Did you make the right choice leaving? If I were brave enough to ask you to stop when you took that step out the door, would it have made a difference? I don't know. Sadly, I may never know.
The very last time we spoke, do you remember you asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell you? I wanted to tell you so much. Oh God, more than you know! But I didn't. Instead, I closed my eyes and shook my head. As soon as I opened my eyes and saw yours, I knew I wasn't meant to say anything else. You have found a new love. You have a new person to give your love to. You have a new forever to discover—and it's not with me. I knew, looking into your eyes, that none of the words that I wanted to say would bring us back to how we were. To the days when it was only me and you. I told you that I had nothing else to tell you but to be happy and to make sure that no one will ever hurt you.
I knew that you wanted to hear so much more from me. I could see in the corner of your eyes that there was a bit of pain in losing me. I knew that. I still knew you like the back of my hand. I knew what makes you happy and what makes you sad, I knew what hurts you and what heals you. And I knew that I wasn't nothing to you. I knew that for you, you were going to lose a lover and a friend. You were going to lose the girl who stood next to you through the worst and the best chapters of your life. You were going to lose the girl who loved you even when everyone failed to love you, even when you forgot to love your own self. You were going to lose the girl who held your hand when you were shaking and when you were feeling alone. When you were lost, I was the girl who smiled at you and told you that everything would be okay, that I will never leave you. And you see? I never really did. I stayed. I stayed right by your side when it was impossible for me to stay. I stayed right by your side when I felt like you wanted me to go, when you needed me to go. You wanted to ask me to fight for you, right? You wished I would tell you, like how I always did, that I wouldn't give up on you, on us. Right? But I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry I didn't ask you to stay. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to be happy.
I loved you, that's the truth. The moment you asked me if I had anything else to say, I wanted to tell you I love you, but I decided not to. No, you don't deserve to hear it from me anymore. No, you don't deserve to hear anything from me anymore. I deserve to be loved without having to share my guy with anyone else. And I deserve to be loved as much as I loved you. Because no matter how many times we say we still love each other, at the end of the day I know that you would still come home to the new love you have found. You would still hold her hand and tell her all the sweet things that I could only wish to hear from you.
So now I should say this... thank you. For letting go. For walking away. Thank you for finally giving me the freedom that I was so weak to fight for. I could never push you away, and sadly, you will never know everything that I could do for you, that I could give you. The moment you walked out on me, you gave me the right to give my love to someone else. So thank you.
That's where our forever ends.
Kianne Namit blogs at kiannedaquioag13.wordpress.com.