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From Our Readers: Thank You For Our Little Infinity

Back then, what I felt for you was completely platonic.
ART Trixie Ison

Thank You For Our Little Infinity

Sometimes people walk into your life and then nothing is ever the same. You were one of those people to me. When you and I met, I knew. I knew that we, in some kind of weird way, connected with each other. We just hit it off straight off the bat. Partners in crime. We spent so much time together, people started thinking we liked each other. Back then, what I felt for you was completely platonic. I'd tell all our friends for the nth time that, "No, I don't have feelings for her. That would be weird." Or when the teasing became too much, "Stop it, you're making me feel uncomfortable." But maybe I did like you even then. When I was with you and felt happier than I ever did. I should have known. Maybe it was the fact that you were in a relationship that stopped me from entertaining my feelings for you. But as time passed by, we grew distant. No more running together along the hallways, no more talks about how our day went, no more eye contact, no more inside jokes, no more anything. I would've done anything at the drop of a hat to get back what we used to have. Whatever that was.

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Fast forward a few months after, we were talking again. It wasn't like how it used to be but that was okay. I've gone through enough to know that we can never have the same thing twice. And really that was okay. I missed you but it was okay. It was okay. We were making progress. But of course, life always finds a way to mess things up. It was a normal sunny afternoon when I patted my friend on the shoulder and told her I think I liked you. I told you I liked someone and you blew up my phone asking who she was. Long story short, you found out I liked you and I found out you liked me. You hid it from me for so long. You told me you still felt something for me, but they were not as strong as it was before. And although that stung, it was okay. Sometimes I think my life is just a big okay.

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You made it clear that you weren't ready for a relationship and I understood where you were coming from. I should have stopped talking to you when those words were said, but I didn't. We sent each other text messages every day and talked about the most random stuff ever. And I actually felt closer to you. I was happy. But we can never really be just friends with someone we like, can we? The ball was in your court. I wanted something else but I knew deep, deep, down that we were never going to happen. With how you are, it was impossible. I'm not blaming you, I promise.

READWhy the Friend Zone Is Not So Bad—In Fact, It's Pretty Cool

Our "thing" went on for a few months. Until an afternoon chat ended everything. You didn't feel anything anymore. I was sad but it was okay. I had to man up and accept it. We were friends but we didn't talk every day anymore. That was probably the worst. I felt lost for a while because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was still getting used to not randomly texting you about this random thing I saw on the Internet. Or how hot Taylor Schilling is. It was okay. I was okay.

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Sometimes people walk into your life and then nothing is ever the same.

We're still friends who talk to each other occasionally. I guess this is how we will always be. In spite of the fact that it was only a few months, I want to thank you for the amazing ride. It was a pleasure getting to know you better. You're an amazing person and no one is going to strip that away from you. Thank you for all the infinite memories. And I quote, thank you for our little infinity.

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READTo the Best Friend I Secretly Loved

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Winning Heart

The journey of how I won people’s hearts by having a winning heart

Whatever happens tonight, I am a winner. That was the last line I delivered in front of the roaring crowd. My knees were trembling and my smile was shaking. I wanted to radiate confidence but I knew inside me were whirling storms of uncertainty. I wasn’t sure how to carry on for the rest of the night, it was only the first hour and my soul was already exhausted. I stood in front of an unfamiliar sea of people, I felt uncomfortable as they fixed their glances on me. The stage was bright and flashy as my co-contestants glazed the platform with outstanding physique and beauty. I couldn’t look straight at them because every time I did, a bucketful of insecurity was being poured on me. The whole pageant took about a few hours but it felt like eternity to me. I repeatedly asked myself questions every single time I stood on that platform. My vision was impaired by the blinding spotlights and all I could hear were the deafening roar of the audience combined with the booming music of the event. My head was filled with questions like “why are you here?”, “Will you be okay?” What will others think of you?” “What if you fail?”. Every step was heavier as I continued to overthink.

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For a moment on stage, I felt like I was floating. I was staring blankly at the end of the gymnasium. I was awakened by the loud cheer from the front row, I fixed my glance and saw large letters A-B-Y. it was like a snap to reality, I realized that’s my name. This time I could hear the synchronized cheers of people screaming my name. I smiled, walked away from the spotlight as I whispered to myself “let’s do this”. As the curtains opened, I walked towards the stage I felt lighter and different from the person a while ago. Walking was much easier and my knees weren’t trembling any longer. I stood at the edge of the stage, wandered my glance, and smiled genuinely. Flashing those pearly whites took barrels of longtime stored courage from within me. I marveled at how I could see the rainbow in the lights, the spotlights weren’t blinding anymore.

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My feet started stomping to the music every time I pose and my hips would flawlessly sway to the music. The roar of the audience was overwhelming no more, it was like whispers lost in the beat of the music. I knew as I stood there, all I needed to do was smile and be myself. My name was called accompanied by the thunderous applause and booming cheers of the crowd. I stood there alongside with other contestants. I was holding a bouquet and a trophy. I could feel the heavy crown on top of my head. However, the trophy beside me was much bigger, the lady beside me wore an even flashier crown, it was the crown of the titleholder. That night I landed the first runner-up spot. My head was filled with “what ifs”. What if I did just a little better, what if I exerted more effort and so on.

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As I stepped down on stage, several people rushed to me. They were jumping, screaming and clapping. It was so chaotic that it took me a millennium to recognize them, it was my family. They were hugging me from all directions. When I saw their smiles I knew I did great. I realized that was what I meant when I said “whatever happens tonight I am a winner”. Their presence, genuine smiles, and warm hugs meant more than the trophy and sash that night. For them, I was a star who shined through the darkness of the night. Before leaving the venue, a hand tapped me from behind “Congrats,” she whispered I turned to see her, and to my surprise she was a schoolmate who used to tease me because of my chubby physique.

I smiled as I expressed my gratitude towards her. As I walked away, I realized that I accomplished something legendary that night. I was able to showcase that pageants are not only for thin-looking, tall people. I managed to snatch everyone’s attention with this average height and chubby body. That night started with so much uncertainty and insecurity. As I stared at my reflection, I looked exhausted but I was wearing a different smile. A smile of victory and bravery. A smile that defeated the stereotypes and stigma about people like me. That night ended with a realization that maybe winning isn’t always about winning the crown, it’s about winning people’s hearts and having a winning heart.

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Nicole Caluag A day ago

5 Mystery-Thriller Novels to Read

If you’re stuck at home and out of Netflix shows to binge-watch, then you might want to try and read these mystery-thriller books to match your homemade Dalgona Coffee.

1. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

The debut novel, and Goodreads Choice Awards Best Mystery & Thriller of 2019, follows Alicia Berenson, a well-known painter married to an esteemed fashion photographer. Life seemed perfect for Alicia, until one evening when she shot her husband five times, and… never spoke again.

2. Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

From the author of Final Girls comes this page turning novel about an infamous building in Manhattan called the Bartholomew. After stumbling upon an ad to become an apartment sitter, Jules Larsen has set out to look after apartment 12A under strict and somewhat odd conditions. Not long after stepping foot in the building, Jules has been met with unfriendly tenants, eerie noises in the apartment unit, and an abrupt departure of a fellow sitter named Ingrid.

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3. The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James

If you loved Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho or David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, then this book is for you. After the disappearance of her Aunt Vivian while working as a night-shift clerk at the Sun Down Motel in 1982, Carly has set off to Fell NY, to work the same job at the same place as her Aunt had 35 years ago – with hopes of uncovering the truth lurking behind the Motel walls.

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4. Verity by Colleen Hoover

While known for Young-Adult Novels such as Slammed and Maybe Someday, Colleen Hoover offers readers a romantic thriller about Lowen Ashleigh, a struggling author who was given the opportunity to finish the three remaining novels of a successful series after its original author, Verity Crawford, suffered an accident and has become immobile. After receiving an invite at the Crawford manor to sort through Verity’s notes, Lowen discovers an unpublished autobiography revealing the truth about Verity. With the eerie atmosphere of having Verity confined in her own home, and who is seemingly aware of her surroundings, Lowen is certain Verity is not what she appears to be.

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5. Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

A mind-bending science fiction thriller from the best-selling author of Wayward Pines – Dark Matter is packed with the concept of the Multiverse and the philosophy of existentialism. The novel follows an ordinary Physics professor, Jason Dessen, who was looking forward to dinner with his family while walking the streets of Chicago. The next thing he knew, he was being held at gunpoint – by a man wearing a mask – and injected with an unknown drug and blacks out. When he regains consciousness, he learns that the world he woke up to was different from the world he knew.

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