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From Our Readers: Love Yourself First

I have so much love to give but I can't love myself.
ART Trixie Ison

Love Yourself First

I don't want to grow old alone. At nearly 20 years old, you might think that I'm too young to think about that. I'm just a junior college student, trying to survive the wonderful land of homework and university life. But being an overthinker, I think ahead of what might happen to me as I grow old. I'm terrified of going home to an empty house and experience some form of mid-life crisis when I turn 25. I'm afraid that I will have no one to treat me special, to call me their life. I traced down why I felt this way and associated it with depression, bipolarity, which pointed out to no self-love.

It's funny how I have low self-esteem when I am so good at lifting everybody's moods up, keeping their spirits high, and giving them hope, when I can't even do that to myself. I'm confused because I thought I was overflowing with love and hope, and I was ready to freely give it to anyone who needs it, but I can't seem to fill myself up with that. I give love away like how breathable oxygen is, but I'm gasping for breath at the same time. I have so much love to give but I can't love myself. I'm not enough.

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If I don't start loving myself soon, I might end up alone.

They say that in order to love others, you have to love yourself first. Now why do I experience it the opposite way? I looked at others, at couples, at the crush of my crush, and I saw the same thing—they're overflowing with love. Why can't I be happy like them? I am overflowing with love. Overflowing so much that you could see it a mile away. I looked closer. Scrutinized every detail. They're the same as I am. Same species, and I might be better at them at something. But as I looked closer, observed them more in detail, I can finally pinpoint the difference. They love themselves. They loved themselves before anyone else. And that's what I lack. Self-love. That's the thing that I can make out from their glow. It attracts others like magnet, and maybe that's the reason why no one is accepting what I'm offering. You can't accept what you're already satisfied in. What they need is that snippet of your love, your love for yourself. They want to know it, to nurture it. What I'm offering is different. It is the kind of love they already have for themselves. They need something of me, the special kind. The problem is, I couldn't give it to them because I don't have it.

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Then I came to a realization. If I don't start loving myself soon, I might end up alone.

Love yourself first, then sprinkle it all out to the world.

Sent in by Chris Facundo. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!

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PRIMO.

First. Pixie dust and paper cuts – these are the first things Wendy knew about Peter Pan. Aurora first met Prince Philip when she was sixteen. Learning how to ride a bike was also a first while I was growing up, but you are probably the first of too many. The first collection of dust and stars; maybe Luna will try to ask, who was your first? I might answer and tell her that it was you.

The first of too many stars in the sky. You are the first of too many fallen leaves during fall – and you will be the most anticipated snowflake as winter comes. A dark path that you can’t see without any light, hence, you were once the moon and there are the stars that shine so bright at night. Are we too early? Or we just really want to be ahead of time? Even in a glimpse, I would like to see the two of us connect as if we can reach the sky. There are other parts of the heavens you have never saw and other oceans you haven’t laid your feet onto – but the constellations will always wait for you. Close your eyes, love, close your eyes. Start counting backward: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Count backward until you see the twinkling lights that will guide you to the right path. To the right satellite; to the right person. A first.

There are many firsts – first love, first heartbreak, first sport you played, the first thing you do in the morning, the first thing you remember about the person in front of you. There are a lot. It’s actually up to us how we will consider something as a first. So, Primo, you are already a first of too many.

Bea Alamis A day ago
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