I don't want to grow old alone. At nearly 20 years old, you might think that I'm too young to think about that. I'm just a junior college student, trying to survive the wonderful land of homework and university life. But being an overthinker, I think ahead of what might happen to me as I grow old. I'm terrified of going home to an empty house and experience some form of mid-life crisis when I turn 25. I'm afraid that I will have no one to treat me special, to call me their life. I traced down why I felt this way and associated it with depression, bipolarity, which pointed out to no self-love.
It's funny how I have low self-esteem when I am so good at lifting everybody's moods up, keeping their spirits high, and giving them hope, when I can't even do that to myself. I'm confused because I thought I was overflowing with love and hope, and I was ready to freely give it to anyone who needs it, but I can't seem to fill myself up with that. I give love away like how breathable oxygen is, but I'm gasping for breath at the same time. I have so much love to give but I can't love myself. I'm not enough.
They say that in order to love others, you have to love yourself first. Now why do I experience it the opposite way? I looked at others, at couples, at the crush of my crush, and I saw the same thing—they're overflowing with love. Why can't I be happy like them? I am overflowing with love. Overflowing so much that you could see it a mile away. I looked closer. Scrutinized every detail. They're the same as I am. Same species, and I might be better at them at something. But as I looked closer, observed them more in detail, I can finally pinpoint the difference. They love themselves. They loved themselves before anyone else. And that's what I lack. Self-love. That's the thing that I can make out from their glow. It attracts others like magnet, and maybe that's the reason why no one is accepting what I'm offering. You can't accept what you're already satisfied in. What they need is that snippet of your love, your love for yourself. They want to know it, to nurture it. What I'm offering is different. It is the kind of love they already have for themselves. They need something of me, the special kind. The problem is, I couldn't give it to them because I don't have it.
Then I came to a realization. If I don't start loving myself soon, I might end up alone.
Love yourself first, then sprinkle it all out to the world.
Sent in by Chris Facundo. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!