When you close your eyes, you start seeing everything that reminds you of him, and it scares you to open them again because you know he won't be there when you do. Every night, you ask the Universe to keep him safe. And you realize how he had his whole life before he met you, and you did too, but it scares you so much to imagine ever living without him. And it also scared you to let him break the walls that you have built around you for so long, but you let him anyway.
Because that is just how this works. Sometimes, we fall in love with someone we can never really be sure of. But we give in anyway, because, what the hell, falling in love is always a risk. And it scares us to let them in, because we might not have any more room for ourselves. But we let them in anyway—we open up and we start seeing things in a different perspective. Because by this time, nothing is guarding our hearts anymore. By this time, we start trusting again.
You have built your walls up so high, and he still let himself in despite the fact that you have been running away from love for so long. And it scares you that it never really bothered him. You prayed for signs, and you got them. The fact that he is there makes you think that this is it, you are now opening yourself up to the real thing, real love. You sleep with your fingers crossed and with a crazy anxious heartbeat, wishing so hard that he notices how much you have changed, and how hard you try to sound sweet and romantic. You're not used to this, but you try. You used to be the girl who never looked or listened because there was nothing worth looking at or listening to anyway. But here you are, listening to every word he says, and seeing every tiny beautiful detail. And it scares you. Because he makes you feel so alive. He makes you feel like you're ready for love again.
It scares you to break down the walls with him to let the light break through. But you still do. Because that is just how this works. Sometimes, even though we’re scared, we still do the things we think are right. We're scared not because he gets mad when you call him weird or because he doesn't want to share his tacos with you. You're scared because it's real. And right now, it seems so right. You tell him you love him. It scares you, but it seems like the right thing to say. If this is how being scared feels like, you never want to be not scared again.
Mary Elizabeth Francisco blogs at marshmary.com.