From Our Readers: Love, How Did We End Up Here?
Love, if you're reading this, everything written here are thethings left unsaid, these are the words left unspoken.
I have too many things to say to you. It's too much, I don't know where to start but here let's start here. It's the 2nd of November, our 62nd month! It's okay if we don't celebrate it anymore. It's okay. Five years was a long time, with a lot of memories to keep. It felt like a lifetime. It was happy and sad, it was great. We've been through a lot and yet we're still together. We were okay, we were doing great but these past few months we've started to drift apart. Love, how did we end up here? I know I've messed up a lot. I know I've made mistakes but I still ask myself every day, what happened? Did I screw up too many times? Did I ask you for too much? Are you sick and tired of everything? I want to ask you, what happened? Did you wake up realizing you're not in love anymore? I need answers but I guess I'm scared to ask you because I'm terrified to hear your answers. Can we work things out? I'm still here. I'm holding on to whatever that's left. But when the time comes that you will ask me to stop, I will stop.
I'm a girl who believed in fairy tales, that everyone has prince charming, that everyone will have happy ending. I believed that material things matter: Flowers, chocolates, stuff toys are measurement on how much a guy loves you. Then you came, I met you in quite an unexpected way. I must admit that the moment I found you, I knew I'd lost myself. You've changed me, what I believed, and everything but it was a good kind of change. You were different; you didn't give any material things but you gave me your heart, your time, yourself. I was scared because I had trust issues since the last person I was with cheated on me. I was scared to give you everything I had left of myself, but I still gave it a shot. It turned out to be fine, until today even when everything has changed. Love, today I miss you and I will miss you every day. I'm losing you and I'm starting to lose myself even more. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be okay.
I can say the last five years of my life spent with you was wonderful. I was too happy, too sad—it was a roller coaster ride. For five years my feelings were ineffable. Until now, everything is indescribable. As I write these words, I remembered everything we had and how it reminds me of what's left. From the first message, first movie date, the first time we held hands, first I love yous, non-stop messages down to this day when there are no more sweet long messages, no more late night talks, and when I love yous were rarely said. Love, is there anything else left? I wish there was more, how I wish there was more.
Love, did I push you too far? Too far that you can't come back? I know, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust you. But you know what's worse? The worst part is that even I can't trust myself because until now I fear the feeling of being betrayed, being cheated on. I was wrong pushing people away, the people who really cared. I pushed them away including you because I'm scared that the time will come you will also leave. That's why I want to leave first. Yes, I overthink a lot and it kills me. I'm sorry.
Love, you know me so well. You taught me to forgive people, you taught me to understand people. But Love, I forgot to ask you how to forgive oneself. How can I forgive you if I can't forgive myself? How can I fix things, if I can't fix myself. Love, I want you and I need you at the same time. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I need you because I'm slowly dying, I'm drowning in my own tears, I need you to save me because I can't save myself. I promised myself not to beg anyone to stay in my life, but can I break that promise now? Can I at least for the last time beg you to stay? I know we still can work things out. Please, for the last time. Can we give it another try? I promise not to screw up this time. Thank you. Sorry. I love you.
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I've been investing in arts, photography, and writing. I've also got back to reading the other day and I finished reading this amazing book entitled 300 Things I Hope by Iain S. Thomas. It is all about the things the author hopes his readers to do in all aspects of life. So, I decided to make a version of it with all of the things I'm hoping for.
I hope I get to see my friends be successful in life. I hope to make a big mural someday. I hope to be a well-known artist like the artists I look up to. I hope to marry the person I am in love with today. I hope to be a little kinder to myself. I hope to see happiness even in the smallest things. I hope to travel the world. I hope to be a good mother and a wife to my future family. I hope to have my artworks displayed in a gallery or an exhibit. I hope to learn more about creative writing. I hope I won't learn how to get tired and give up my passion. I hope I won't get too hard on myself whenever I don't get the results I've been wanting to see in my works. I hope to love myself more even on the days I hate it the most. I hope to lead and empower women; to be their voice and for them to believe in themselves that they can be the woman they look up to. And when I've reached my limit of these things, I hope I won't get tired of reminding myself that my emotions don't make me weak, hence, makes me stronger. These are some of the things I always hope for. What about you? What are you hoping for?
I started fixing myself this quarantine. I mean, I started trying makeup products. As a teen, I'm on my phone almost every hour of the day, scroll on my social media accounts, especially Instagram, and also Pinterest where you get to see nice and pleasing photography by bunch of amazing and beautiful people from different parts of the world. So I started taking my own as well. I did not know that taking your own photo and try to get an Instagramable one is sooooooooo hard, it's exhausting. I do not have alot of space in my room, and I would definitely not do it outside our house because of Corona Virus, and I don't want to be seen by our neighbors HAHA so I have no choice but to make tiis inside my room.
Out of atleast 25 shots, only 2 are a nice picture. While I'm all sweaty and tired, I am proud of what I could do beyond my comfort zone. And this definitely built my self confidence, (and I secret love the compliments I received from both people I know and don't know) It's not my first time visiting in here, Candy! But I'm new to writing my thoughts and experiences, so bare with me HAHA.
Until next time!
First. Pixie dust and paper cuts – these are the first things Wendy knew about Peter Pan. Aurora first met Prince Philip when she was sixteen. Learning how to ride a bike was also a first while I was growing up, but you are probably the first of too many. The first collection of dust and stars; maybe Luna will try to ask, who was your first? I might answer and tell her that it was you.
The first of too many stars in the sky. You are the first of too many fallen leaves during fall – and you will be the most anticipated snowflake as winter comes. A dark path that you can’t see without any light, hence, you were once the moon and there are the stars that shine so bright at night. Are we too early? Or we just really want to be ahead of time? Even in a glimpse, I would like to see the two of us connect as if we can reach the sky. There are other parts of the heavens you have never saw and other oceans you haven’t laid your feet onto – but the constellations will always wait for you. Close your eyes, love, close your eyes. Start counting backward: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Count backward until you see the twinkling lights that will guide you to the right path. To the right satellite; to the right person. A first.
There are many firsts – first love, first heartbreak, first sport you played, the first thing you do in the morning, the first thing you remember about the person in front of you. There are a lot. It’s actually up to us how we will consider something as a first. So, Primo, you are already a first of too many.