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From Our Readers: Love, How Did We End Up Here?

Everything written here are the things left unsaid, these are the words left unspoken.
ART Trixie Ison

Love, if you're reading this, everything written here are thethings left unsaid, these are the words left unspoken.

I have too many things to say to you. It's too much, I don't know where to start but here let's start here. It's the 2nd of November, our 62nd month! It's okay if we don't celebrate it anymore. It's okay.  Five years was a long time, with a lot of memories to keep. It felt like a lifetime. It was happy and sad, it was great. We've been through a lot and yet we're still together. We were okay, we were doing great but these past few months we've started to drift apart. Love, how did we end up here? I know I've messed up a lot. I know I've made mistakes but I still ask myself every day, what happened? Did I screw up too many times? Did I ask you for too much? Are you sick and tired of everything? I want to ask you, what happened? Did you wake up realizing you're not in love anymore? I need answers but I guess I'm scared to ask you because I'm terrified to hear your answers. Can we work things out? I'm still here. I'm holding on to whatever that's left. But when the time comes that you will ask me to stop, I will stop.

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READA Hundred Tiny Daydreams About You

I'm a girl who believed in fairy tales, that everyone has prince charming, that everyone will have happy ending. I believed that material things matter: Flowers, chocolates, stuff toys are measurement on how much a guy loves you. Then you came, I met you in quite an unexpected way. I must admit that the moment I found you, I knew I'd lost myself. You've changed me, what I believed, and everything but it was a good kind of change. You were different; you didn't give any material things but you gave me your heart, your time, yourself. I was scared because I had trust issues since the last person I was with cheated on me. I was scared to give you everything I had left of myself, but I still gave it a shot. It turned out to be fine, until today even when everything has changed. Love, today I miss you and I will miss you every day. I'm losing you and I'm starting to lose myself even more. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be okay.

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I'm losing you and I'm starting to lose myself even more. I'm not okay.

I can say the last five years of my life spent with you was wonderful. I was too happy, too sad—it was a roller coaster ride. For five years my feelings were ineffable. Until now, everything is indescribable. As I write these words, I remembered everything we had and how it reminds me of what's left. From the first message, first movie date, the first time we held hands, first I love yous, non-stop messages down to this day when there are no more sweet long messages, no more late night talks, and when I love yous were rarely said. Love, is there anything else left? I wish there was more, how I wish there was more.

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READI Lost the Game of You and Me

Love, did I push you too far? Too far that you can't come back? I know, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust you. But you know what's worse? The worst part is that even I can't trust myself because until now I fear the feeling of being betrayed, being cheated on. I was wrong pushing people away, the people who really cared. I pushed them away including you because I'm scared that the time will come you will also leave. That's why I want to leave first. Yes, I overthink a lot and it kills me. I'm sorry.

Love, you know me so well. You taught me to forgive people, you taught me to understand people. But Love, I forgot to ask you how to forgive oneself. How can I forgive you if I can't forgive myself? How can I fix things, if I can't fix myself. Love, I want you and I need you at the same time. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I need you because I'm slowly dying, I'm drowning in my own tears, I need you to save me because I can't save myself. I promised myself not to beg anyone to stay in my life, but can I break that promise now? Can I at least for the last time beg you to stay? I know we still can work things out. Please, for the last time. Can we give it another try? I promise not to screw up this time. Thank you. Sorry. I love you.

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READTo the One Who Stopped Loving Me

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PRIMO.

First. Pixie dust and paper cuts – these are the first things Wendy knew about Peter Pan. Aurora first met Prince Philip when she was sixteen. Learning how to ride a bike was also a first while I was growing up, but you are probably the first of too many. The first collection of dust and stars; maybe Luna will try to ask, who was your first? I might answer and tell her that it was you.

The first of too many stars in the sky. You are the first of too many fallen leaves during fall – and you will be the most anticipated snowflake as winter comes. A dark path that you can’t see without any light, hence, you were once the moon and there are the stars that shine so bright at night. Are we too early? Or we just really want to be ahead of time? Even in a glimpse, I would like to see the two of us connect as if we can reach the sky. There are other parts of the heavens you have never saw and other oceans you haven’t laid your feet onto – but the constellations will always wait for you. Close your eyes, love, close your eyes. Start counting backward: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Count backward until you see the twinkling lights that will guide you to the right path. To the right satellite; to the right person. A first.

There are many firsts – first love, first heartbreak, first sport you played, the first thing you do in the morning, the first thing you remember about the person in front of you. There are a lot. It’s actually up to us how we will consider something as a first. So, Primo, you are already a first of too many.

Bea Alamis A day ago
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