From Our Readers: Love, How Did We End Up Here?
Love, if you're reading this, everything written here are thethings left unsaid, these are the words left unspoken.
I have too many things to say to you. It's too much, I don't know where to start but here let's start here. It's the 2nd of November, our 62nd month! It's okay if we don't celebrate it anymore. It's okay. Five years was a long time, with a lot of memories to keep. It felt like a lifetime. It was happy and sad, it was great. We've been through a lot and yet we're still together. We were okay, we were doing great but these past few months we've started to drift apart. Love, how did we end up here? I know I've messed up a lot. I know I've made mistakes but I still ask myself every day, what happened? Did I screw up too many times? Did I ask you for too much? Are you sick and tired of everything? I want to ask you, what happened? Did you wake up realizing you're not in love anymore? I need answers but I guess I'm scared to ask you because I'm terrified to hear your answers. Can we work things out? I'm still here. I'm holding on to whatever that's left. But when the time comes that you will ask me to stop, I will stop.
I'm a girl who believed in fairy tales, that everyone has prince charming, that everyone will have happy ending. I believed that material things matter: Flowers, chocolates, stuff toys are measurement on how much a guy loves you. Then you came, I met you in quite an unexpected way. I must admit that the moment I found you, I knew I'd lost myself. You've changed me, what I believed, and everything but it was a good kind of change. You were different; you didn't give any material things but you gave me your heart, your time, yourself. I was scared because I had trust issues since the last person I was with cheated on me. I was scared to give you everything I had left of myself, but I still gave it a shot. It turned out to be fine, until today even when everything has changed. Love, today I miss you and I will miss you every day. I'm losing you and I'm starting to lose myself even more. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be okay.
I can say the last five years of my life spent with you was wonderful. I was too happy, too sad—it was a roller coaster ride. For five years my feelings were ineffable. Until now, everything is indescribable. As I write these words, I remembered everything we had and how it reminds me of what's left. From the first message, first movie date, the first time we held hands, first I love yous, non-stop messages down to this day when there are no more sweet long messages, no more late night talks, and when I love yous were rarely said. Love, is there anything else left? I wish there was more, how I wish there was more.
Love, did I push you too far? Too far that you can't come back? I know, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust you. But you know what's worse? The worst part is that even I can't trust myself because until now I fear the feeling of being betrayed, being cheated on. I was wrong pushing people away, the people who really cared. I pushed them away including you because I'm scared that the time will come you will also leave. That's why I want to leave first. Yes, I overthink a lot and it kills me. I'm sorry.
Love, you know me so well. You taught me to forgive people, you taught me to understand people. But Love, I forgot to ask you how to forgive oneself. How can I forgive you if I can't forgive myself? How can I fix things, if I can't fix myself. Love, I want you and I need you at the same time. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I need you because I'm slowly dying, I'm drowning in my own tears, I need you to save me because I can't save myself. I promised myself not to beg anyone to stay in my life, but can I break that promise now? Can I at least for the last time beg you to stay? I know we still can work things out. Please, for the last time. Can we give it another try? I promise not to screw up this time. Thank you. Sorry. I love you.
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