I don't know why I feel like this but at the exact moment I stepped out of the taxi I felt this weird ache and pain inside me. I realized that we didn't—we don't see each other everyday.
My forgotten fear back then is back and is on to me. I felt it. I felt what I feared the most— attachment. I didn't want to seem needy. I didn't want to look clingy and dependent. I wanted look independent and I wanted to look as if the world was in my hands. I was trying to build up the strength I had within me but it kept growing.
I didn't want to look clingy and dependent. I wanted look independent and I wanted to look as if the world was in my hands.
As I was walking my way home it fell on me. It was going to be the same thing all over again. The walls, the temple, and the empire I built to protect me was falling apart yet again. I could see myself giving in more and more. I didn't want to be the person who loves more in the relationship again. I wanted to be the person who was wanted more. I didn't want to feel the need or want to have something that we didn't. I probably wouldn't want this to end but at this point it is hard to believe words and even actions. I failed too many times that I'm tired of trying. I myself have been a failure. I tried my very best to build what could have been the best love story of all times but I failed. I didn't want the walls to crumble and fall apart right before my eyes. I didn't want to break but I could see myself breaking again. Slowly sinking in the sheets at 4 am as it all comes to me.
I tried my very best to build what could have been the best love story of all times but I failed.
Slowly, I give you pieces of me until it makes you whole and it is me who's empty. I've already lost too many pieces of me along the way. It scares me to show you how much I love you. You might get used to the feeling and it would not be as special as it was before. I'm scared to love fearlessly yet again. I probably have a lot to lose.
I wish you could see how I'm slowly trying to make our garden flourish. I love you in more ways than one yet I cannot show it. It is not the fear of losing you that scares me, it is the fear that I might yet again lose myself and this time I won't be found.
It is not the fear of losing you that scares me, it is the fear that I might yet again lose myself and this time I won't be found.
One day if either of us leaves and our paths need to separate I hope you remember that I tried yet again to build an empire—and that every day at 2am I let my fear eat me alive.
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