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From Our Readers: I Was Never Ready

I was afraid to fall in love.
PHOTO Millenium Entertainment

It was never my intention to fall in love. I never wanted this. Before, I would think that the idea of forever is silly and unrealistic and illogical. I never knew that would change. Maybe I thought that way because I haven't found the person, that one person, who could give me forever but then I realized that it was so much more than that shallow reason. I figured it out now.

I was afraid to fall in love. More specifically, to open up so much to another person that he becomes your weakness. I was afraid to be vulnerable because I have been okay with my blissful depression every night. I was terrified to get hurt again. Then you came along and swept me off my feet without second thoughts. I told you firsthand that I'm a difficult person, who you would get tired of loving because even I couldn't love myself. You made me think that I was your whole world, that I was special and worthy. You broke the barricade that I have been building up for the last 18 years of my life within just a matter of days. Soon enough, I trusted you and I revealed to you my deepest, darkest secrets. You loved me despite my imperfections and that's when I knew, I felt that I love you, and will always love you until my very last breath. The nights that we spent together were magical and I've never been so happy in my life. I started believing in forever. I started believing that you would never leave me. Heck, I even started visualizing a future with you. And to my dismay, I wish I hadn't started believing in all of those things. Because as the words of Stephen Chbosky goes, "Things change, and friends leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody." I thought time stopped for us when we were together, but sadly, we had to face the reality that we we're growing up and cascading into another year of academic pressure. Your last year. I never thought that you would change so much during your last year in college. You never saw me as beautiful anymore but rather as a constant annoying commitment. The time that I dreadfully prayed that wouldn’t come, came. You grew tired of loving me. And just like that, you were gone. You left my barricades into pieces, barricades that took so long to put up, now lying on the gravel, too useless to build up again. You destroyed my world, and I'm sorry for that. It was my fault to let you destroy it without me putting up a fight. I let you in even though I was emotionally unstable. I'm sorry for the hurtful things that I've said to you. But most of all, I'm sorry for giving you a chance to let you love me, because we both knew in the back of our minds that this will never work out in the first place. Now look at us, both of us got hurt. I'm sorry if I pushed you too hard to achieve your best version of yourself.

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For the record, I was never ready for you to leave, even though I knew that would happen. I was never ready. And because of that, I chose not to give up on this. I chose to be selfish because I know this might never happen to me in a million years. I chose to be selfish because I love you. Honestly, I don't know where we're supposed to go from here. Too many plans for next week and next month for me to say good-bye. Too much love for you that I would spend my last breath seeing you here beside me even though you don't feel the same way towards me anymore.

Lastly, thank you for the memories and the lessons that we made and learned, but I'm still not letting go of you now. Not just yet. Know that I'm always here, ready to accept you with open arms and unconditional love. I love you. 

Chris Facundo blogs at hopeishardtokill.tumblr.com.

 

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