I love you. I never thought that I would love you the most. I love you so much that it already breaks my heart. I didn't mean for you to lose the old me, but I think this is how life should be. I've dealt with too much pain, pain I didn't realize existed until I've felt it. Pain changed me. Pain made me who I am today. Pain made me realize that it's not a kaleidoscope world. With it, I lost myself, too.
I don't know how to put my life back together yet, or if I'll still be able to put it back together. But one thing's for sure, I learned through this experience and I will never regret a single memory of it. Because regardless of the ups and downs, I cherished my days with you. I love you so much and I want to think that this could still work, but I realized, how will it work if you know that this wouldn't last a lifetime?
I know we shared our love for each other, and I am grateful, but how can it be? It hurts so much to think of the future without you, but that's how you've prepared me to see the next 2 years. You wanted to build your own family, I wanted to build my life with you. That very fact made me realize that this isn't going to work out. We needed to have the same visions in life. And clearly we don't have any aside from what we planned when we were still together, and those are temporary things.
I don't want you to pity me, because I know you're hurting, too. How I wish everything would turn out just fine. Every time we'd talk, our goal was to fix things, but we'd always end up fighting, pointing fingers at each other, trying to blame who's the one at fault. I never came clean with my shortcomings. Again, I know I'm also at fault, and I am very sorry for hurting you with my actions. I wouldn't bring up the past to put the blame on you, because I know you've changed, you've regretted what you'v done before. But I realized that wasn't enough for me. I needed to feel your affection, I needed to feel you cared most of the time. I needed to feel what you made others feel during the time that I was the one there for you but you gave no attention. Still, I loved you just the same. I gave you so many chances. I was even the one to woo you for more than half a year without an assurance that you'd come back to me. But right now, I'm not very sure if a fourth chance is still possible.
Don't get me wrong, I love you. I love you too much that it makes it all wrong for me. Because I started to love you more than I loved myself. And now that we decided to put our relationship to rest temporarily, I'm starting to live my life again—for myself. I miss having you in my life, I missed being happy because of you. I miss those phone calls then you'd fall asleep and all I'd hear is your snoring (yes, you do snore when you sleep). It was always music to my ears. I'm glad when I hear you snore, because I know that you're sleeping very well, you're getting the rest you deserve after having an exhausting day from work and from life. I miss hearing you laugh because of me. I know I amuse you and that's fine with me, because I know you need a good laugh. Your laughter is symphony to my ears. The way I see your eyes, oh how I love looking into those eyes. How I wish I could kiss the tears in your eyes away. How I wish I could cradle you whenever you speak in your sleep.
You make me see light whenever I feel lost, but at the same time, there are times that you make me see darkness whenever we fight. I lose sight of the beauty of life when we fight. I forget everything that's good. We both know I am not that. That's why you're asking me to bring back the old Jill. I wish I could give her back to you real quick, but that's not how it works, my love. You're asking me for too much right now. I am this because of all the things I've encountered. I don't want to put the blame on you because I chose to experience them. But that's how it made me now—tougher.
READ: To the One Who Left Me
I know deep inside me I still have that Jill you want me to bring out, but right now I can't. I need to guard my heart because it's too fragile. I don't think it could still manage to deal with another goodbye. You told me not to wait for you as you try to fix yourself. I told you I'll stay as long as I love you. You told me you didn't want that. I told you that's my choice then you got mad at me. Can you just please let me be this time? I can't deal yet with the pain of you asking me to let go. Someday I will, but not today. I only wanted for everything to get fixed because I don't want us to part ways with heavy hearts. We used to be friends. We both wanted to save that bond. Maybe we can't today, but someday we will. And I will look forward to that day. The day when we've matured enough to accept things as how they should be. I love you, Panget.
Sent in by Jillian Cabrera. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!
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