From Our Readers: I'm Trying My Best To Give You the Love You Deserve
Hey, how are you? I really don't know how to start this since I haven't spoken to you since I asked you to stop courting me. It was a difficult decision for me to make, but I knew it had to be done. There was no future for us—I was going to move to a different continent, thousand miles away from home. I'm sorry. I know I ended it the worst way possible, not giving you an explanation that you deserved. And I wasn't able to tell you the things I wanted to, because I know if I did, I would just make things more difficult—not only for you, but for me. But I feel like we both need this closure. Or maybe, I need this. So here it goes.
Hands down, you are the most "almost perfect" guy I've met. You're funny, fun to be with, you got along with my friends, and my sister liked you. You were the perfect gentleman and the ideal boyfriend. You were very understanding of everything I had to say or do. Even the times when I fail to understand myself, you still tried and understood me the best you can. I would always say, "Shucks, I'm sorry. I've been such a pain to you these past few days." And you would always just answer me with "It's okay. It's normal. I understand." Even when I'm having mood swings, or obsessing over things and boy bands, or just even when I'm not in the mood at all, you never fail to understand and cheer me up. And for that, I am and will forever be thankful to have met someone as amazing, as brilliant, as fun, and as perfect as you.
But timing sucks, huh? We've known each other for so many years now, but have never spent so much time together just until recently. We've seen so much of each other the past few months that things just happened. We started talking more, texting every day, and then things happened. You told me you liked me one day, and told me you loved me the other. I guess for me, it all happened so fast that I don't even know what to feel, or worse, what I truly feel for you. Do I care about you? Of course. Do I like you? Maybe. Do I love you? I don't know.
READ: Was It All Just Pretend?
What's worse is that I'm leaving. And it's not a vacation or a holiday. I'm going to study abroad and I'm going to be away for a few years. I've mentioned this to you. You were hurt, but nonetheless, you continued caring for me and loving me the way you did. When I asked you what you were planning to do, you just told me you would continue doing what you normally did – picking me up from school, calling, texting, cheering me up, loving me. You said we still have a few months to make many memories before I leave, and you said you're willing to wait. You said you would. And I think, it's best if you don't.
What I want to say is that I'm trying. I'm trying my best to give you the love you deserve. And let me tell you this: You deserve the best love there is in this world. But unfortunately, I don't think it's with me. I can't give it to you—not right now. Not when I'm trying to be the best person I can be, not when I'm going to move across the world and leave you here waiting. I'm not even sure you would be waiting for something when I come back. But I do hope you know that I would give you all my heart if I could. If only I could.
You're the best guy I've ever met, no doubt. You're the perfect guy, but unfortunately, not the perfect one for me. I don't want to hurt you. You don't deserve to be hurt by someone like me —someone who leaves and breaks hearts of people who loved her so dearly. You deserve so much better. And because of that, I need to let you go.
I'm hoping and praying for your happiness. Thank you for everything and I'm sorry. I'll miss you. See you again soon.
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I've been investing in arts, photography, and writing. I've also got back to reading the other day and I finished reading this amazing book entitled 300 Things I Hope by Iain S. Thomas. It is all about the things the author hopes his readers to do in all aspects of life. So, I decided to make a version of it with all of the things I'm hoping for.
I hope I get to see my friends be successful in life. I hope to make a big mural someday. I hope to be a well-known artist like the artists I look up to. I hope to marry the person I am in love with today. I hope to be a little kinder to myself. I hope to see happiness even in the smallest things. I hope to travel the world. I hope to be a good mother and a wife to my future family. I hope to have my artworks displayed in a gallery or an exhibit. I hope to learn more about creative writing. I hope I won't learn how to get tired and give up my passion. I hope I won't get too hard on myself whenever I don't get the results I've been wanting to see in my works. I hope to love myself more even on the days I hate it the most. I hope to lead and empower women; to be their voice and for them to believe in themselves that they can be the woman they look up to. And when I've reached my limit of these things, I hope I won't get tired of reminding myself that my emotions don't make me weak, hence, makes me stronger. These are some of the things I always hope for. What about you? What are you hoping for?
I started fixing myself this quarantine. I mean, I started trying makeup products. As a teen, I'm on my phone almost every hour of the day, scroll on my social media accounts, especially Instagram, and also Pinterest where you get to see nice and pleasing photography by bunch of amazing and beautiful people from different parts of the world. So I started taking my own as well. I did not know that taking your own photo and try to get an Instagramable one is sooooooooo hard, it's exhausting. I do not have alot of space in my room, and I would definitely not do it outside our house because of Corona Virus, and I don't want to be seen by our neighbors HAHA so I have no choice but to make tiis inside my room.
Out of atleast 25 shots, only 2 are a nice picture. While I'm all sweaty and tired, I am proud of what I could do beyond my comfort zone. And this definitely built my self confidence, (and I secret love the compliments I received from both people I know and don't know) It's not my first time visiting in here, Candy! But I'm new to writing my thoughts and experiences, so bare with me HAHA.
Until next time!
First. Pixie dust and paper cuts – these are the first things Wendy knew about Peter Pan. Aurora first met Prince Philip when she was sixteen. Learning how to ride a bike was also a first while I was growing up, but you are probably the first of too many. The first collection of dust and stars; maybe Luna will try to ask, who was your first? I might answer and tell her that it was you.
The first of too many stars in the sky. You are the first of too many fallen leaves during fall – and you will be the most anticipated snowflake as winter comes. A dark path that you can’t see without any light, hence, you were once the moon and there are the stars that shine so bright at night. Are we too early? Or we just really want to be ahead of time? Even in a glimpse, I would like to see the two of us connect as if we can reach the sky. There are other parts of the heavens you have never saw and other oceans you haven’t laid your feet onto – but the constellations will always wait for you. Close your eyes, love, close your eyes. Start counting backward: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Count backward until you see the twinkling lights that will guide you to the right path. To the right satellite; to the right person. A first.
There are many firsts – first love, first heartbreak, first sport you played, the first thing you do in the morning, the first thing you remember about the person in front of you. There are a lot. It’s actually up to us how we will consider something as a first. So, Primo, you are already a first of too many.