I am writing this on the night I called it off, exactly after I sent you my last message. I think you must be—no, I know you are crying right now. And I wish I could tell you how much I want to be with you right now, to wipe your tears, hug and console you, kiss your head and tell you that it's fine, that everything's going to be all right—but I couldn't. I couldn't bear to see your face when I know I'm the cause of your sorrow, when I know I'm the reason why you're hurting. What makes it all the worse is I never gave you a decent break up nor presented an acceptable reason for my abrupt decisions. And yes, that I am aware of, that I am guilty of. I know saying "I fell out of love" is the oldest, lamest, and most overused and unjustifiable excuse so I'm finally setting you free from the agony. For all the times you will probably cry yourself to sleep, thinking what you did wrong or if you weren't enough to make me stay or what my reasons were, I ask for forgiveness. I'm sorry you have to belittle yourself. I'm sorry you'll have to conquer the pain on your own. I'm sorry you'll never know why I had to let you go. Well, at least not for now.
Love, we are so young. You're only 16 and I'm just 17. You have to understand that we have a life ahead of us. When I first met you, you were so vibrant and free but at the same time goal-oriented and strong-willed. You were a wonderful girl, you still are. I was always amazed by your dreams in life and your conviction to pursue them. You were talented, intelligent, kind, and strong. While I was a merely sloppy boy, clueless of what the future holds, and unprepared for what it might bring. I found inspiration in you. You were, aside from my family, the prime reason why I manned up for my life. In you, I found the purpose of living. And this is why I love you.
But as time passed, you started to detour from the route you long mapped. I was becoming a burden to you. You lied to your parents just to go out with me. You had to borrow phones from your cousins just to reach me. You neglected some of your responsibilities because of me. You always had to squeeze me into your fully-packed schedule. You slept late because you were busy talking with me. You had bashers because of me. Your friends detested you because of me. You got grounded and sent off to the Carmelite village on your birthday because of me. Your Dad was so disappointed and frustrated at you when I came into your life. You were so hassled at the thought of keeping our relationship implicit. And worst, you almost lost yourself in the process of loving me. Our love was destructive. Albeit, I really admire you for having all the bravery to withstand the hurdles of our relationship, it will kill me to know how badly I am destroying you.
I'm giving you all the right to slap my face with all the sacrifices you've made and the hardship you've had to endure just to make us last because you have all the right to. Don't even think for one second think that I have taken all of them for granted because I never did. Despite all your efforts, I still chose to let you go. I still chose to end us. And I know, that makes me a jerk, but I only did it for you. This decision, this breakup is not for me. It's not so that I can redeem myself or save me from further responsibilities, but it's for you. I made the hardest decision of my life just so I can let you live the life you deserve. You are amazing. You deserve the best. You need not to settle for less. And right now, I am less. I am your baggage. I was pulling you to the ground. This is why I had to let you go even if I never wanted to.
I want you to rediscover yourself. I want you to find the dreams you lost when you found me. I want you to be the person your Dad wanted you to become. I want you to be the friend your friends know you for. I wanted you to live the way better life you had before me. I just want you to be happy. I know, if you read this now, you'll just combat my dispute and tell me I have no say on who you choose and that I make you happy. That's why I'm giving you time. I'm giving you all the time you need, I'm giving myself all the time that I need. It will not make sense at first but I promise you, love, your senses will come dawning soon.
I don't mind being the bad guy, love. I don't mind hurting you. I don't mind even if you come to hate me. If that's what it takes for you to grow and life a better life then I'm all in. I promised you I'll be your partner, your soulmate, your best friend, your brother—and this is exactly what I'm doing. I'm letting you go so you can be the better person you were destined to be. I'm letting you go even if there's no certainty that you'll be mine again.
I'm letting you go even if it hurts. Even if it kills me. Even if it leaves me irreparably broken. That's how much I love you, love.
I hope you find it in your heart to understand and fathom my love for you. I hope you will be able to forgive me despite how badly I crushed your spirit. I hope you receive the love you deserve. I hope you try to move on from me, form our tragic past. I hope you become happy, genuinely happy.
And I hope you wait for me. I hope you never give to somebody else the spot in your heart that belongs to me. Because I am also going to recover myself, love. I am going to be the best person for you. I will come back, not knowing when, but when I do, I'll never let you go again.
But for now, I'm sorry. I'm letting you go. I love you.
---
A year, 2 months and 13 days after you broke my heart, I hear nothing from you. Nothing, not even a single "I'm sorry." And despite all you have done and all that happened, I still love you.
I decided to make one for you. These are all the things I wanted to hear, but I only needed to hear you say "I'm sorry." You just had to apologize.
Sent in by Aprille Juanillo. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!
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