My dearest Heart,
So, you've been broken again. Yet again, you're struggling to keep yourself above the surface.
I'm sorry that I had to let you go through all of this again. I knew from the second he said those words to me that I was going to have to put you on the line for what seemed like the millionth time. I convinced myself that this was something new; that this was what I needed for the longest time.
I felt how violently you thrummed when he looked at me straight in the eye in his car, and told me the words that I craved to hear for years. I felt how fast you raced in my chest when he first held my hand while we drove like we were running out of road. It was 2 in the morning, and we were laughing so hard about that random joke he cracked—and then I realized that as we stopped under that bright red light, things will just never be the same.
And I felt you beat frantically when his lips met mine. There were no exact words for it—the way he made my head spin with how sweet it tasted, and all the kisses that came after that. Almost immediately he owned me, and began to consume every bit of me. It was like I was being sucked into the black hole that I made for myself. I showed no resistance as his fingertips traced the outline of my cheeks, my nose, my mouth. I was certain that there was no looking and holding back.
I'm sorry that I didn't spare you from the pain when from the very beginning, I knew that this was bound to take a wrong turn; that I already saw it coming. I was sure that he would leave me eventually—I just chose to be blind than be awake. It's easy to think that this is just a twist of fate or another one of destiny's tricks, but I've long stopped believing in these things that only existed in movies which made us look at love in an idealist's perspective. But then I thought you were agreeing with me when I felt you doing backflips inside me, while we lay there quietly with our bodies and souls intertwined—so close that his sweet scent lingered on me.
When he filled in the spaces between my fingers with his, he also filled in the large void that has been making me feel empty. Worthlessly empty. I suddenly found significance and hope; I was sparked back to life. I was happy because I thought I found something good without looking for it: a serendipitous moment.
But as it turns out, I was indeed looking for it, and in all the wrong places. My whole life, I was trying to fit in somewhere to be part of something. To be needed by someone and be loved in return. I guess not all people are lucky enough to experience these kinds of things, and I'm still far from finding out if I'm one of them. Until he came along and made me feel special again. He has tried to break down the strong walls that have stood high and mighty around you, proving himself worthy of winning you. With this, I knew there was nothing to lose. I did what I've always been known of doing: falling in love hard.
But apparently, it was only a matter of time before I was hit with the bitter reality.
Words hung in the air like an invisible curtain in front of us—they were unspoken, but you heard them anyway. You felt that unsaid goodbye before it even escaped from his lips, and saw his apprehensions in his eyes before he even started that dreadful conversation. My silence bought him time to think of how he could get away from his own mess that he made. I should've fought back and defended you, but I was too stunned. Fear immobilized me. The power of denial was wearing off and it started sinking in that I've been left hanging for the nth time in my life.
Maybe there's really nothing I could do to reverse time. A lot of people have torn you apart— myself included—and perhaps there's no way to save you from the irreparable damages that have been done. The ones I offer you to always have the upper hand and I'm left with nothing in the end, but I still choose to do it all over again. I still try to have the courage to love like I've never been hurt.
Forgive me for always wearing you on my sleeve, and for letting them crush you so easily. You're battered, bruised and almost unrecognizable, far worse than a broken mirror or a split boulder. They always tell me to follow you. But right now, I understand that even you have lost direction, and so we both have no idea which way to go. Until such time that you've fully healed, I think I'm going to give myself a break. More than learning from all this and cutting my losses, I'm going to let you rest.
And thank you, dear heart, because even after being broken several times, you still manage to keep me very much alive... and fighting.
Written by Alexa Uson. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too!
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