From Our Reader: To the Guy Whose Heart I Broke
I have a lot of things to say to you. I don't even know where to begin. But let me tell you first how I felt when I first met you. I know I never told you this but, the first time I saw you, my heart jumped. You see, you made the world stop when I first met you. Even though you ignored me before, I still found you great. Later, I found myself hating your jokes but when we started talking, I thought you were different. You're family oriented, you're hard working and most importantly, you understand. Since then, I never thought of anybody else but you. You brought me sunshine, you brought me life. And I'm thankful I'm with you or been with you for a long time... I guess. For now.
I know what I did was stupid. I know I hurt you many times. And I know sorry will no longer be enough. I know I have wronged you for countless of times already. And I know I hurt you and left a deep cut. I didn't know I was hurting you that much. I didn't know my actions were breaking your heart. I never mean it. I have never thought of doing those on purpose. I never wanted it to happen. Never. I would never want to hurt you. Sadly, I did.
READ: You Will Break My Heart
Forgive me if I have made you felt that way. I never wanted it. I swear I would never want to hurt you. You say you're tired. I'm sorry I made you feel sick and tired of it. Had I known it would happen, I would have done anything to stop it, to stop myself from hurting you.
This is probably one of the longest fights we've ever had. Almost a week and counting. It's tiring. It's draining all of my senses, my energy, my will, my hope. It rips me off. I feel like I'm breaking into pieces each day I can't talk to you. I want to ask you many things. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking if you've gone home. Or if you're doing fine. Have you even eaten your dinner? What happened to your day? But I couldn't ask you. I can't. I'm afraid I might just be rejected. Right now, a blanket of fear wraps me around. And instead of keeping me warm in the cold days night, I feel colder, my hands getting harder every day, turning me blue.
I don't know what to do. I'm not doing anything, not because I don't care for you at all or I don't want us back together. I'm not doing anything because I feel like one more mistake and I'll be cutting you loose. I'm too afraid to worsen the situation, to make you feel even worse, to cut into your heart a little deeper, to make it hurt more. I'm sorry.
I just want you to feel okay. I know what I did was painful. If I were in your place, I'd be desperate. I'd be hurt. I'd be mourning. I'm sorry. I miss you.
Sent in by Cherry May Tibon. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!
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Sometimes we cannot tell anyone what we feel, and think. It's hard especially when you do not want anyone around you to worry. Why not turn your feelings and thoughts into something creative, like a poem? That's what I did several years ago while going through some hard times during my college years.
Here's a sample:
College has started.
I was excited since then.
Meeting new people,
And creating more friends.
Different schedules every semester,
Sometimes overload, sometimes not.
New classmates every subject,
Some may be friends, some may not.
But the excitement disappears
When the pressure gets in.
Stress finds its way
To ruin my system.
Countless sleepless nights
Countless cramming days
When exams are getting nearer
You’ll maybe experience those.
For an average student like me
It’s so hard to settle things.
Though you tried your best,
Still you feel being a failure.
Sometimes giving up became a choice;
Sometimes dropping became an idea.
But what‘s with those ideas?
They’ll never be an option.
The feeling that you want to stop,
The same feeling that you want to finish.
They are all stuck in your mind,
Like you’re giving up but cannot.//
Have you been on this kind of state as well? If yes, I hope you find healing from this. Yes, nothing in this world seems easy but we can still find a way out and deal with our feelings in every creative way we can. Fighting!
Outdoors Danielle Flestado @artdkf | May 1, 2020 "I miss the outside world. The last time I went outside of our house was on my birthday. We just bought coffee across our village and went back home immediately. This painting made me feel that I'm in a field, just appreciating the beauty of God's creation. Can you imagine the green grass and pink flowers?"
When everything around you suddenly turns dark, the first thing we'd prolly do, as humans, is to find and grab anything that is closest and nearest to us. We'll hold onto them for as long as we can, trying to collect ourselves and gather courage to adjust our eyesights to the pitch black environment that's consuming us minute by minute. And then you'd hear nothing. Your sense of hearing would somehow go off after not seeing anything for quite awhile. You'll let loose. Cry. Panic. You'll be exhausted for fighting your way out. Then just when you're about to stop and give up, you're no longer afraid. There's only this deafening silence and pithole of darkness that's gonna eat you up alive. And surprisingly, you'll make a home out of it.
You'll make a home out of the darkness that when a ray of light suddenly hits you, you'll try to avoid it. You'll try to cover your eyes. You'll try to cover your ears from the voices trying to help you get out of it. You'll try to hide because your mind and body will go against your will to come out and live. Because the darkness that used to scare you, now comforts you in a way you thought has helped you survived life. And you'll try to live. Day by day. In the darkness. Not knowing where to go. Not knowing where to start. Not knowing who is with you. You will try to live until the darkness that once surrounds you is now within you. And everyday, it's gonna be a cycle of subtle torture. But let me tell you a secret. The darkness won't make you whole.
You'll be broken. And in those hair-like cracks, the light will stubbornly fight its way through until it warms you up. Until you realize to check the switch and turn it on. Until you allow other people to help you find your way back in the light. Until you realize you're ready to live in light again. There's a light at the end of this long and dreading tunnel. The only question that matters: will you let them in?