An Open Letter to the Girl Who Denies Her Feelings
You probably constantly ask yourself, "Why did the universe choose to torture me?"
Torture by taunting you with his perfect smile when he talks to you, his eyes that sparkle when he laughs, with his gentle touch when he wants your attention. His presence, his perfection.
"Why do I have to see you all the time? Why do you have to be so amazing? Why can't I resist falling for you?"
It's torture. Because you don't want to feel this way. You're in denial and you want to stop the feelings but you can't.
There are a lot of reasons to be in denial. There's the fear of rejection. If you're perfectly great as friends why would you take away that comfort? You're close already, you don't need anything more because if he doesn't feel the same way you'll forever be awkward. You can't risk not being friends with him anymore because that will make everything worse. Either way, you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy with him so why does he even need to know, right?
Maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship so you prefer to just ignore all the signs. Okay, he's cute, but now you have to focus on school or your family. You don't have time for love or boys, so it's better to just not feel anything at all. At the same time, all the feelings will just ruin the momentum you already have and distract you, right?
Then of course there's the fact that you might have just come from a relationship that you're still not completely over. Whether it was a bad break up that you don't want to experience again, or the fact that you're just plain not ready to date again, you feel like it isn't a good time to fall back in love. He's probably just a rebound and you probably don't even think you'll last if you tried, right?
After all, commitment is so much to ask for. You could be afraid of it—having a boyfriend, being a girlfriend, having to be there for him and make time for him. You shouldn't crush on anyone else, and you'll end up having to meet his family and you just can't take the pressure of being that for someone now. You can't like him cause you just want to be independent and you're completely comfortable with being single, right?
But what if you're wrong? Denying your feelings is a tough challenge. Every day you have to resist what your heart wants. You'll have to look him in the eye and force yourself to stop thinking about how cute he is. You have to see him flirt with other girls and just grin and bear it because you're afraid. Because you don't want to believe you like him.
Don't be afraid, because there are so many other possibilities that could happen if you just be honest with yourself and with him. If it's just a little crush maybe it's easy to hide, but when you know that he's the only thing you're thinking about day in and day out, it becomes hard to resist.
It's always a tough decision to make because there's always the threat of you getting hurt, but time heals the heart. To know at once and then to have time to move on is easier than hurting everyday trying to forget what you truly feel.
If it's because you're too busy, you never know, he could be a great support system for you. Maybe he'll understand you and you'll have someone new to look to who'll be there for you. At the same time it's added happiness too.
If you're afraid that it'll be just like the past then maybe you should give it more time, but don't completely shut your heart out. Talk to the guy, make sure he understands how you feel. You’ll need to move on and really fully heal, but you can't do it all the while carrying the problem of the denial with you.
And of course if it's just that you're not ready, than maybe it's time to take a chance. You don't have to jump into a relationship automatically after you admit to yourself that you like the guy, but opening yourself to the idea of being in a relationship is already a good start. You'll grow up and be in relationships in the future so maybe you should start overcoming that fear? There are so many more fun experiences when you’re in a relationship that you might just not know about yet.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s time for you to face the facts—you're in love with him. Maybe it's time to do something about it!
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Today, I am sharing my mother's story. I wish my mother was a constant in my life, like an angel who guards you to sleep and comes right there when you called. But angels come back home too, in heaven where they always belonged, and my mother went back a little early. My mother died when I was 13 years old. My last memory of my mother: Letting go when you are not yet ready is a very cruel thing that one has to ever experience. It is a sudden wave of total sadness and desperation crashing into your very core.
On the 28th of July 2013, we went to a resort in Bataan for the employees’ getaway. My parents own a 7-11 franchise, and it had always been a tradition to give their store clerks a get-together every year. I remember very well the last breakfast I had with my mother. The Sunday morning sky was clear and sunny, and the sea was calm and tranquil as we ate our breakfast on a cottage under the tall palm trees. She shared with us a strange dream she had the other night. She dreamt about an unknown woman holding an ice pick chasing her down on a dimly lit street, then she woke up just before the woman could grab her arm. We never knew what that dream exactly meant and now, I wished I never knew its meaning. After breakfast, my family and our employees decided to take a swim at the beach. The day was nice. The morning air may be chilly but the sun’s kiss on our skins gave us warmth. It was perfect. Everything is fine and the tides are low which made it very enjoyable to swim. We swam a little farther from the shore and we stopped to the point where the water reached our shoulders. We were talking about the good things in life and reminiscing the good old days. Those are the things that I’ve always loved about my family because I never had a meaningless conversation with them.
A few moments later, we heard a panicking call for help from one of our store clerks. It was Rachel. She was struggling to keep her head above water. She was already drowning but the odd thing was, she was only a few feet away from us. At first, we thought she was just playing around until we felt the sand in our toes dissolving like powder. It felt like as if the seafloor submerged deeper. I remembered sighting the shore and it seemed so close yet very far away. We were all panicking at that time. No one knew how to swim except my mother so without having second thoughts she swam towards Rachel and called out to my father, “Yung mga anak mo! Dalhin mo sa pampang yung mga anak mo!” and I never thought I already heard my mother’s last words to my father. I was paddling like a dog, gasping for air, as I say a little prayer to God to take us all back to safety. I felt my father grabbing our swimsuits, trying to lift our bodies so we can breathe even though he was also struggling to keep himself alive. Once I felt my toes touch the ground, there came a veil of relief that covered my whole body. As soon as my father and my sister made it to the shore we started calling out for help. There were no lifeguards on duty at that time, no personnel, nor guards. I saw my mother already floating in her stomach. We sighted a boat sailing nearby, we waved our hands and called for their attention. They almost ignored us because they cannot comprehend what we were trying to relay but the good thing was a passenger in the boat noticed my mother and Rachel in the water.
My mother’s body was laid on the shore. She was unconscious and her whole body was pale as white. My father performed CPR but my mother couldn’t get the water come out of her mouth because the food she ate earlier got stuck in her throat and blocked the passage. A concerned tourist offered his car to deliver my mom in a nearby health center or a clinic of some sort since the hospital was miles away from the beach and she needs immediate care. My father told us to stay in the hotel room and prepare mom’s belongings so that if she wakes up she has fresh clothes to change into. My sister and I finished packing our things and waited for our father to pick us up from the hotel. I was crying and I couldn’t stop myself because I was afraid to lose my mother. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be if I lose her that day. Moments lasted until we heard a knock on the door and it was my father, crying, and apologizing to us. He hugged me and my sister tightly and saying, “Sorry, anak, sorry hindi na uuwi si mommy, sorry hindi ko nasagip si mommy”. And that was the moment I felt sinking into the ground. I never knew what to feel at first. I was numb because my worries were now actually a reality that I have to live in. I was at shock because I am now one of the kids in those cliche teleseryes who lost a mother at an early age. We went to the health center to settle everything. The clinic was very small and it sure did lack equipment. He told us to stay in the car. I wanted to see my mom, but I know he never wanted us to see her like that. I didn’t know what to feel. I was having high anxiety levels that my stomach is churning and I wanted to vomit. I got off the car and entered the health center to find the restroom. When I was finding my way around, I passed by the emergency room. I saw my mother lying in a foldable bed, lifeless, her hands dangling from the side of the bed, she has violet bruises on her skin, and her body was partially covered with a white towel.
That is when it sunk into me that she’s dead and never coming back. My father asked the others to just commute back to Manila because what we need right now is comfort from our family. The drive back home was one of the most painful memory I had as a kid. My father was in the steering wheel crying his eyes out. We drove from Bataan to Pampanga. We went home to my grandmother’s house, the nearest house that we can call “home” because how are we still going to be “home” without her?
Once we reached Pampanga, we stopped over to the gas station and my father made some calls to our loved ones to tell them that my mother passed away. He then called my aunt to help him arrange for the funeral. We got home and my grandmother hugged us and told us to get some rest. Already tired of crying, I went to sleep for a while. I woke up and for a second, I thought everything that happened the other day was all just a dream. That she was there in Manila, sitting on the couch reading some furniture magazine, waiting for us to go home. But that’s how cruel life is, right? I got up and weirdly, I felt sands in the bed. It was gray, just like the ones on the beach. I thought maybe it was just dirt but it was a fair amount to believe that maybe she visited us before she left. - ?
- The part of how I conquered the grief of her passing is shared in my personal blog. I felt the need to share my story with everyone since she's the woman I look up to. Feel free to visit my personal blog too when you have the time. I love writing my stories. Thank You! link: http://qkathreece.wixsite.com/kathreecequizon/post/breaking-waves
Hello! Sharing my first story in Wattpad!
TITLE: Whisper to the Stars AUTHOR: https://www.wattpad.com/user/withniji
GENRE: Teen Fiction/Romance STORY LINK: https://my.w.tt/Y3HeLPe9K7
Description: Ingrid Gianna "Gigi", a breadwinner of her family, has kept her feelings hidden for Hayme, her long time high school crush, because she has too much responsibilities in life; believing that she has no time for love. But, no matter how hard she tries to suppressed it for years, fate always finds its way....like it was already written in the stars.
A Quarantine Love Affair
I saw him today, — just to deliver some cookies I was selling. It was sunset. He went inside the car and stayed there for maybe 15 minutes, or 10, or maybe less. We just talked. Well, I talked. And he listened. As we do. And he sat in the backseat while I sat in the front.
My dad was waiting outside the car. We didn’t get to feel each other, not even touch our hands. I just blurted out all the stories that came to my head without thinking. I knew I wanted to fit as much words as I could in the small window of time we had. It felt like we were meeting again, for the first time, but it was comfortable. Familiar. And as I was telling him about another crazy shenanigan that my father had encountered, he leaned his head on the back of my seat and looked at me and smiled and listened.
And that picture will always be displayed on my mind, hung up with a dark colored frame protecting it. It was the best view I’ve seen all week and it made 3 months of not seeing each other feel insignificant. It was just us, my stories, and the quiet hum of the engine.
COLLEGE SURVIVAL TIPS: IS BEING ALONE MEANS WEAKNESS OR STRENGTH, OR ELSE, MAYBE IT'S JUST YOUR OWN WAY TO SURVIVE.
College is a Matter of Survival. It is more on trusting and relying on YOURSELF, alone. College is not a race, it's like a journey, a journey of hardships, circumstances, and challenges that, to some extent, will push you to give up, so you must set your goals and take risks. College is far from being a junior or senior high school, so there's no more room for easy-going attitudes.
It is better to suffer now than to regret your actions in the future. I've learned these things and continue doing it right now. College made me realize that you'll meet temporary people in your life, some of them stay, but others not, they vanish, and soon you become strangers to them. It's okay to make friends, but you must know how to set your limitations with them. Also, don't forget to think wisely, there are some whose only seasonal friends. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you accompanied each other, and still, you have yourself. Being alone doesn't mean you avoid people coming into your life, it's just that, you know how to distance yourself from people you don't feel to get along with, and that's OKAY. The thing about college is, you'll meet different types of people who will help you to open up your mind to be more matured enough to the point that you will become more understanding rather than start an argument. There's nothing to be afraid of being alone, you just need to accept the facts and consequences.
Little by little, you will witness yourself develop from how much you've grown, and be grateful for that because you overcome those situations that trigger you to give up. I share these things with you that may be applicable to your upcoming college life and leaving this message to you. 'Don't hesitate to take risks to success, it will be paid off someday. Let God help you and do your very best.' #CollegeSurvival
What more can I say? Secrets are the phantoms haunting us and the people around us. It serves as a constant reminder that you were dishonest. I always think of them as silent whispers lingering on our ears and our minds. A secret does not only destroy you, it destroys the one who cares about you. Many are willing to pay for their secret, the question is, how much are you willing to pay for your own?