All the Words that I Could Never Say
I am not asking for much. In fact I am not asking for anything anymore. From you. From us. I know that no matter how many times I turn to look at my side, I will never see you looking back at me anymore. In just a blink of an eye, our love is gone. You're gone. Possibly forever.
Do you still remember me? Do you still think of me when you hear our song on the radio? Do you ever stop and wonder how I am? Because I do. I think of you as much as I have thought of you when we were together. I think of you in everything I do, hoping that I was sharing all these moments with you.
There are many things I wish I could tell you. But sadly, I don't think I would ever have the chance to. I could never make you feel safe from all the troubles in this world. Because I know I am that one trouble you decided to run away from. This morning, I woke up and stared at my phone longer than I usually do. I stared at the message that I sent to you last night, possibly for the seventh time since I woke up. I wish that you would feel my sincerity between my every "I miss you" and "I'm sorry." I stare at the clock, it's 7:30 in the morning, and like how I always do, I immediately read it as if we're in the same timezone. And I wonder what you were doing. I wonder who you were with. I wonder if she makes you smile as much as I used to, or more than that. I wondered if she holds you the way I wish I did. I wonder if you look at her and tell yourself that you made the right choice, that you finally got it right this time. "I hope you're happy," I whispered ever so softly before closing my eyes. And they were right when they said that some tears are so deep that they could never reach your eyes. My eyes are dry, but my heart is completely shattered. The pain feels so real that I had to open my eyes to assure myself I was not drifting away from the world little by little.
The questions that you never answered still keep me up every night. It had been a month since you left but I still have not found peace in this breakup. Maybe I am never meant to. Maybe like love, no one can ever tell when pain is supposed to end. No one can ever tell me when I am supposed to start being okay not knowing where you are, or how you're doing, what you're eating and what how you're feeling. I still remember how you told me many times that you would never give anyone the slightest chance to be with me. All those moments you wanted me all for yourself, I wish you would remember that. I wish you would be selfish again and say that I am no one else's but yours. And that you are mine. I still remember how you asked me to never let you go, because then you wouldn't know how to live your life. I remember everything. But I don't remember you ever being strong enough to be without me. So where are you now? What happened to you? What happened to us?
I look back and trace every step of our way from the very first day. I traced them over and over trying to understand where it all went wrong. How in the same day you were saying you were scared to lose me is the very same day you walked right out the door and told me you were tired of me, of us.
Maybe one day I will get over you. Maybe one day I will forget you. Like how you had forgotten me. Maybe one day it won’t take so much of me to just go through each day. Life goes on, they said. You had proven that to me clearly. You were my life and you have moved on so easily. Just like that and now I am nothing but a part of your history. Our relationship is now nothing but a vault of memories and lessons of love and pain. Like a helpless little girl, I am picking up the pieces of my life, trying to weave the fabric of everything I have to make sense of it all.
All these things that I want to tell you and so much more, I would whisper it all to the wind and hope that it will fly its way to you. Maybe we were always meant to say goodbye. So this is me trying to unlearn living with you. This is me trying to say goodbye to everything that was. Goodbye, my December. For your happiness and peace, I guess it's time to let you go.
Kianne blogs at kiannedaquioag13.wordpress.com. Would you like to be published in this space, too? Send us your stories to candymagazine @gmail.com!