I know we don't talk about what happened anymore, just because it's easier and simpler that way. We tiptoe around topics that can bring back the anger and pain we have caused each other. But there are just random moments during the day when my thoughts linger back to the words I've said, and the things I've called you. A picture of how ugly things got between us is painted in my mind.
It was the first time you didn't talk to me for such a long time. I didn't know what to do because you were one of the few constant people in my life. You accepted me—all the good and the bad parts included—and here I was pushing a perfectly good friend away.
It wasn't our first fight, but I knew it was the first time I truly hurt you. It was the first time a simple "Are you still mad at me?" text couldn't fix things between us. It was the first time I felt like you weren't on my side.
I thought I lost you. I thought it was the end of the friendship we took care of and cherished for so many years. I was starting to think that maybe time and distance were the most powerful things in this world, because it was tearing you and I apart. I was starting to accept that life goes on—with or without the people you thought would always be there for you.
I was so used to agreeing with you, that we even agree to disagree sometimes. I was so used to you having my back, my support system no matter what.
So here, even if I'm a few years too late. I'm giving you the heartfelt apology you really do deserve.
I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I know I've said sorry before, but sorry is a word said too much, but understood too little.
Sorry for me means I don't ever want to cause you that much pain again. Nobody deserves to feel that way. Sorry means I'm owning up to my mistakes, and I'm taking responsibility. Sorry means I hope this doesn't taint our friendship, because a friendship with someone like you is one of a kind.
Sorry means I know I've been selfish, and I know I've always put myself first. Sorry means I thought I was right, and I seem to have forgotten that you're entitled to your own opinions too. What is "right" may sometimes vary from person to person. Sorry means I know that sometimes you'd rather not say your opinions out loud, because to you, our friendship comes first. Sorry means I'm agreeing to disagree once again, as long as it means having you as my friend.
More painful than our actual fight, my biggest mistake was taking this long to truly apologize. I'm not used to being the person at fault, so apologies don't come out so easily for me. As bad as it sounds, I'm a people pleaser, it gives me joy to see that I've done things right, and people are satisfied.
But you taught me. You taught me that I can't please everyone. You taught me how to be humble and open minded again. You taught me that the world doesn't revolve around me.
This is how I know this friendship is for keeps. You helped and continue to help me grow and become a better version of me everyday. Thank you for sticking around, dear friend. I owe you a lot.