You're My Favorite What If
For a month now, I kept on finding the right words to say but all the while failed at it. Now, I'll start with this one. I'll start by telling you how much I love you, how much it consumes all of me. Loving you was not all sunshine and rainbows. It was not like any fairy tale. It didn't feel like I was on top of the world. It didn't feel like pancakes and bacon for breakfast. It was not what I thought love would be. Loving you was scary but exciting all at once. It made my heart race and my whole body tingle with delight. There were days when loving you felt sunny and flowery and days when it was all stormy and cloudy but unlike how the seasons change my love for you stayed the same. Loving you felt extraordinary something you will never feel for anyone else. It was something unconventional, something you want to explore and discover. It felt nothing like being on top of the world because it felt like I was out of this world when it comes to you, nothing else mattered. It was way far from flying carpets, fairy godmothers and 7 dwarfs because it felt real and undeniably genuine. It didn’t feel like a perfect breakfast it felt like a hot coffee in the morning something you crave, something that awakens you, something that makes you look forward every single morning.
Then I'll rememeber the memories the painful ones, the ones that manages to bring poison to my heart and chaos to my mind. I'll go back to our moment when you asked me to dance and kept me close tightly around your arms, a moment that only happens in the movies. In that moment we knew the song would always belong to us that it would always speak of you and me. Indeed it was a very fine and magical night but Cinderella had her "when the clock strikes 12" so did I. Unlike her, I didn't need to rush home and go back to doing chores but like Cinderella when the clock struck 12, I knew that I needed to wake up to reality and embrace the truth that you belong to "her." I'll remember the words that you whispered that night. The confession you made. You obviously knew my adoration for you and told me that you wanted to treasure me and keep me in your life for a lifetime. Not as someone you kiss, hold hands, and grow old with all wrinkled and white haired, but someone you'd call at 4 in the afternoon to invite for coffee and ask how life has been.
But I'll also remember the good ones, the ones that manages to put a smile on my face and a sparkle to my eyes. I'll remember movie tickets and fast food chains. I'll remember the little things from good old songs of bands to deep 3am talks. You definitely are my favorite goodnight. A lot of things would always remind me of you like movies, karaoke, fireworks, and music festivals. Out of all our memories, I can't find my favorite one because everything with you seemed to be specially different that a favorite seemed impossible. They were all memories to reminisce, to cherish, and to treasure.
You definitely are my favorite goodnight.
I'll remember the handwritten letter I wrote you. I told you everything that bothered me, starting from my favorite story, the story of monoblocks, cards, spoons and "are you okay"s. It was the story of how I liked you. Then it continued with me telling how wonderfully created you are, your perfectly chiseled jaw, bright smiles and beautiful eyes that manage to see the world in a different perspective. Telling you how much of a fan I was of yours and how I managed to like you in spite of all your imperfections. It started with good things and ended with me telling you I'd stop liking you and let you be happy with her because I knew you both deserved it but what I didn't tell you is that how deeply I have fallen in love with you. I didn't tell you how much it hurt to not be loved back, to be only seen as a friend by someone you would trade everything just to be with. And I would never tell you how much I wanted more, so much more than that.
I'll remember the long days of moving on, where days seemed like weeks and weeks seemed like months. You told me that you didn't want to hurt me that I was too good for you. That whatever we had was something we couldn't risk of losing so we stayed where our relationship is safe, we stayed friends. The hardest part of moving on was not being able to hate you. It was the easiest way out but I couldn't, I couldn't hate someone like you. I only want the best for you, always. Your happiness seemed to be more important than mine.
The hardest part of moving on was not being able to hate you.
And I'll remember to thank God for making hard circumstances for my love for you because if He didn't, I wouldn't still have you by my side at this very moment after a year of getting to know each other more. I'll also thank you for never leaving my side and staying when everyone else seems to disappear. I'll do the same with you, no matter how cliche this sounds but I'll always be here for you. Thank you for the laughs and the lessons learned.
Maybe I'm still in love with you now but maybe after 6 years I'll remember the first years of our friendship and remember how much I loved you and then we'll both laugh at that story at a nearby cafe. We'll both be thankful that we chose to be friends and managed not to ruin anything. We'll be grateful that we'll always have each other. Then, we will once again have separate roads home. I'll look at you and you'll stare back with that smile forming in your lips, waving your hands goodbye then, I'll smile back and turn around, left with my thoughts of what could have happened 6 years ago if us ever happened. What if I was brave enough to tell you sooner or what if I am brave enough to ask you to love me. Will the way you look at me ever change? Will it ever make a difference. You definitely are my favorite love, my favorite What If.