Candy Feels

I Never Really Needed You

For the person who broke my limbs and took away my crutches .
ART Sha Erandio

Sometimes I catch a scent in the air and I'm brought back to those moments of fighting with you incessantly. There would be no discussions or arguments, just yelling and cursing and you hurting me over and over while whispering into my subconscious, "No one will ever love you like I do." As if the love you give can never be topped. As if all the hurtful things you've done are the best gifts I've ever received. 

And I believed you. I thought love wold never find me again. I listened when you said I was hard to be with and that I was so difficult. Why am I so difficult? But I tried to be your cookie cutter girlfriend. I kept my hair long because you liked to touch it. I was always there every time you asked for something. I erased my boundaries and gave so openly that I was emptied to the core. I guess that was my mistake. Every time you pulled back, I tried to inch closer, thinking it would help you stay. 

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But you can't keep yourself imprisoned by someone and mistake it for love. So I left.

For the first time, I felt so free. I thought it was you who was suffocated by the mistakes we've made. It was me. I was done tiptoeing around the broken eggshells that filled up the mosaic we called "love".

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It wasn't love. It was attachment and the fear of never finding something similar again.

We thought that there was only us, that walking away meant giving up on the only real thing we've ever had in our lives. I lost sense of myself and held on to you like you wanted because you said I was "too independent." In the end, you didn't want that too. I thought breaking my bones so I could fit that image you had in your head would help. It didn't. I only got hurt, deformed. You gave and then made me feel like I didn't deserve it, that I was lucky to receive the scraps from your table. Nothing I did ever satisfied you, and each wrong step I made in that twisted dance had you yelling and cursing and insulting the pieces of me that I tried to offer you. 

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Walking away from you was the best thing I've ever done. Who knew strength could come from deformed and broken down debris of myself?

Leaving you taught me that there will always be something better than having to hurt each other to feel something.

You said no one will ever love me like you did but I laugh because thank God, I learned to love myself better than you ever tried to. I never needed your love, I only needed to give myself as much love as I gave you. Now I know how much I could love someone. Now I know how much I can love myself. 

I heard you've got a girl now. She's beautiful. Please, get it right this time. Don't yell when you fight. Don't demand too much from her. Treat her well. Walk her home when it's late. Don't let her walk in the dark. Just love her better than you ever loved me. I'm with someone new and it's more beautiful and more real than ever. I'm trying to get it right this time. I hope you do too.

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The show brought joy to millions, but a number of its cast have experienced unimaginable tragedies.
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A Simple Learner Who's a Great Pretender

Maybe I'm just a learner, not a weirdo. A learner that knows how to listen and pretend. A simple learner who's a great pretender. Pretending to be slightly dumb enough not to be judged and criticized by those who do not appreciate my existence. We surround ourselves with people who's levels are either beyond or below our intellectual behavior, because as for reality, people may use you either for their success or your downfall. Since then, people tend to judge someone who has an intellect with things they shouldn't be. Making them a criticizer, and most of all, calling them weird.

Honestly, I'm one of this "weirdo" who actually loves to learn things, and for the record, I'm bullied and stressed out for making myself not to learn more and go with the flow to dumbness I had. Have you ever feel being assigned to some task where you know every process to make it easier and faster to finish but turns out to hesitate to voice out because some of your mates put themselves in charge. There are times where I know what to do, what to say, or how to react, but kept myself silent and pretend not to know anything that may help us. Maybe it's a good thing to just go with their ideas and learn from their perspectives, but sometimes you can't control it and says something, and once again called to be a weirdo and let you finish the work by yourself.

It's annoying that you only know one process yet they gave you the whole work and let you finish it by yourself because they insist that "MAGALING KA DIBA?". It's not your fault being an intellectual person, knowing such things that may help you to pursue your dreams, and have the basic knowledge about something. You don't need to know everything, just the basics. And as for those people who do not appreciate your existence, let them be and continue what's the best for you. In some cases, you'll be annoyed by this but most of the time you'll be thankful for it. Not for now but maybe later. Just be yourself either a weirdo, a great pretender, or a simple learner, and always remember to lower your voice and behavior because no one loves that.

Just be a great pretender not to hear any runts and be a good learner that appreciates everything. It's out of nowhere thoughts of mine, but simply I leave you this my favorite life quotation; "Don't introduce yourself, Let your success introduce you"

Jayson Miranda 5 hours ago
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