I Never Really Needed You
Sometimes I catch a scent in the air and I'm brought back to those moments of fighting with you incessantly. There would be no discussions or arguments, just yelling and cursing and you hurting me over and over while whispering into my subconscious, "No one will ever love you like I do." As if the love you give can never be topped. As if all the hurtful things you've done are the best gifts I've ever received.
And I believed you. I thought love wold never find me again. I listened when you said I was hard to be with and that I was so difficult. Why am I so difficult? But I tried to be your cookie cutter girlfriend. I kept my hair long because you liked to touch it. I was always there every time you asked for something. I erased my boundaries and gave so openly that I was emptied to the core. I guess that was my mistake. Every time you pulled back, I tried to inch closer, thinking it would help you stay.
But you can't keep yourself imprisoned by someone and mistake it for love. So I left.
For the first time, I felt so free. I thought it was you who was suffocated by the mistakes we've made. It was me. I was done tiptoeing around the broken eggshells that filled up the mosaic we called "love".
It wasn't love. It was attachment and the fear of never finding something similar again.
We thought that there was only us, that walking away meant giving up on the only real thing we've ever had in our lives. I lost sense of myself and held on to you like you wanted because you said I was "too independent." In the end, you didn't want that too. I thought breaking my bones so I could fit that image you had in your head would help. It didn't. I only got hurt, deformed. You gave and then made me feel like I didn't deserve it, that I was lucky to receive the scraps from your table. Nothing I did ever satisfied you, and each wrong step I made in that twisted dance had you yelling and cursing and insulting the pieces of me that I tried to offer you.
Walking away from you was the best thing I've ever done. Who knew strength could come from deformed and broken down debris of myself?
Leaving you taught me that there will always be something better than having to hurt each other to feel something.
You said no one will ever love me like you did but I laugh because thank God, I learned to love myself better than you ever tried to. I never needed your love, I only needed to give myself as much love as I gave you. Now I know how much I could love someone. Now I know how much I can love myself.
I heard you've got a girl now. She's beautiful. Please, get it right this time. Don't yell when you fight. Don't demand too much from her. Treat her well. Walk her home when it's late. Don't let her walk in the dark. Just love her better than you ever loved me. I'm with someone new and it's more beautiful and more real than ever. I'm trying to get it right this time. I hope you do too.
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these sheets that exactly remind me of how I gushed in between my pillow and space you filled in the longing of my burned sorrow put smile to my sober face just like how a three year old receive her lollipop
i searched you everywhere and here you are laying down beside me in my imagination the walls that our screens built a boundary and an obvious message that says i can never have you because you wear clerical shirt and obviously you loved someone else before me
oh god, do I really want this forbidden love? that only exist in my imagination? that only exist through my words? would you, meine liebling, notice me and my art one second? because I am dying to say I love you.
A Simple Learner Who's a Great Pretender
Maybe I'm just a learner, not a weirdo. A learner that knows how to listen and pretend. A simple learner who's a great pretender. Pretending to be slightly dumb enough not to be judged and criticized by those who do not appreciate my existence. We surround ourselves with people who's levels are either beyond or below our intellectual behavior, because as for reality, people may use you either for their success or your downfall. Since then, people tend to judge someone who has an intellect with things they shouldn't be. Making them a criticizer, and most of all, calling them weird.
Honestly, I'm one of this "weirdo" who actually loves to learn things, and for the record, I'm bullied and stressed out for making myself not to learn more and go with the flow to dumbness I had. Have you ever feel being assigned to some task where you know every process to make it easier and faster to finish but turns out to hesitate to voice out because some of your mates put themselves in charge. There are times where I know what to do, what to say, or how to react, but kept myself silent and pretend not to know anything that may help us. Maybe it's a good thing to just go with their ideas and learn from their perspectives, but sometimes you can't control it and says something, and once again called to be a weirdo and let you finish the work by yourself.
It's annoying that you only know one process yet they gave you the whole work and let you finish it by yourself because they insist that "MAGALING KA DIBA?". It's not your fault being an intellectual person, knowing such things that may help you to pursue your dreams, and have the basic knowledge about something. You don't need to know everything, just the basics. And as for those people who do not appreciate your existence, let them be and continue what's the best for you. In some cases, you'll be annoyed by this but most of the time you'll be thankful for it. Not for now but maybe later. Just be yourself either a weirdo, a great pretender, or a simple learner, and always remember to lower your voice and behavior because no one loves that.
Just be a great pretender not to hear any runts and be a good learner that appreciates everything. It's out of nowhere thoughts of mine, but simply I leave you this my favorite life quotation; "Don't introduce yourself, Let your success introduce you"
Dear me in six years, I wonder how life will treat you when you’re already 26 years old. Will you be financially stable? Will you be working in an advertising agency while pursuing everything about the arts? Will you be doing freelancing and living in a condo by then? I don’t know since things are very uncertain. I hope by the time you graduate from college and face the real meaning of the world, you’ll know what the real purpose of doing and living in the art will be.
I know it’s been so tough ever since you turned 20 but that’s how life works, I guess. There will be a lot of hopes and trials, breakdowns, and breakthroughs but I have high hopes of you becoming the better version of yourself. You always do, though. You were never a quitter. Making decisions is getting harder and harder as you grow but I hope it doesn’t make you stop doing what you really love to do. You will face different people with different perspectives. You will feel like a stranger once again, it’s like you were back in your freshmen year. It’s going to be tougher than you’ve expected but you can do it. I believe you can.
Most of the time, people's perception of us as a strong person makes us feel that we are not entitled to be vulnerable because they might be disappointed for seeing our weak spots. And so when we are hurting, we are often scared of extreme emotions and so bury our feelings. We deny them, trying to avoid the pain we feel.
But by doing that, we are just allowing it to come back to us and haunt us. And when it comes back, it might be stronger and it will be harder for us to get over it than when we faced them first. I realized it just now that facing those emotions will scare them until they're gone. The saying 'Let it hurt until it hurts no more' goes true. Admitting your pain to yourself doesn't make you weak. It only proves that you are strong enough to acknowledge such extreme emotions without avoiding them. We are humans and it's okay if we hurt sometimes.
Before, sliding over the rainbows
Now, our hearts are bruised
Days once full of love and laughter
Became dawns of forfeited ever after
Smiles that bring ticklish sensations
Turned to cold question and answer
Figuring who would be the next instructor
The queen’s awake
Grappling to the happiness that the sorrow and sadness take
Going back to all the promises he couldn’t make
Poetry #2: YOUR VOICE
When you talk, your voice brightens my days. You provide me comfort in all the little things that you do. Your deep and mellow voice sends a tingling feeling inside me that makes me want to keep you in my life. I love talking to you every time, every day, every night and every minute if I could. You're someone just simply amazing.