I Never Really Needed You
Sometimes I catch a scent in the air and I'm brought back to those moments of fighting with you incessantly. There would be no discussions or arguments, just yelling and cursing and you hurting me over and over while whispering into my subconscious, "No one will ever love you like I do." As if the love you give can never be topped. As if all the hurtful things you've done are the best gifts I've ever received.
And I believed you. I thought love wold never find me again. I listened when you said I was hard to be with and that I was so difficult. Why am I so difficult? But I tried to be your cookie cutter girlfriend. I kept my hair long because you liked to touch it. I was always there every time you asked for something. I erased my boundaries and gave so openly that I was emptied to the core. I guess that was my mistake. Every time you pulled back, I tried to inch closer, thinking it would help you stay.
But you can't keep yourself imprisoned by someone and mistake it for love. So I left.
For the first time, I felt so free. I thought it was you who was suffocated by the mistakes we've made. It was me. I was done tiptoeing around the broken eggshells that filled up the mosaic we called "love".
It wasn't love. It was attachment and the fear of never finding something similar again.
We thought that there was only us, that walking away meant giving up on the only real thing we've ever had in our lives. I lost sense of myself and held on to you like you wanted because you said I was "too independent." In the end, you didn't want that too. I thought breaking my bones so I could fit that image you had in your head would help. It didn't. I only got hurt, deformed. You gave and then made me feel like I didn't deserve it, that I was lucky to receive the scraps from your table. Nothing I did ever satisfied you, and each wrong step I made in that twisted dance had you yelling and cursing and insulting the pieces of me that I tried to offer you.
Walking away from you was the best thing I've ever done. Who knew strength could come from deformed and broken down debris of myself?
Leaving you taught me that there will always be something better than having to hurt each other to feel something.
You said no one will ever love me like you did but I laugh because thank God, I learned to love myself better than you ever tried to. I never needed your love, I only needed to give myself as much love as I gave you. Now I know how much I could love someone. Now I know how much I can love myself.
I heard you've got a girl now. She's beautiful. Please, get it right this time. Don't yell when you fight. Don't demand too much from her. Treat her well. Walk her home when it's late. Don't let her walk in the dark. Just love her better than you ever loved me. I'm with someone new and it's more beautiful and more real than ever. I'm trying to get it right this time. I hope you do too.