We always had those secret moments of déjà vu or those moments wherein you and I were each other's sidekick. We had best friend dates over a cup of coffee or a glass of milkshake. We snuck out of school and sometimes, copied each other's homework. We even send each other good morning and good night texts, as cheesy as that may sound.
Despite all these memories, why does it feel like you were never really my best friend? A best friend that was really mine. You had five best friends while you were my only best friend. Why does it feel like there's a constant competition to be the best for you?
I never had a problem with you hugging other people or casually kissing them on the cheek but I then realized that you never did that with me. You put effort when it comes to your other friends but with me, it's like you don't even care. I always put you first but it seems as if I would always be second to you.
If this were a race, I would constantly lose. Almost getting to the finish line. Almost being the first place. Almost.
I would always send you a message first or think of things just to keep the conversation going because I want to talk to you, but it always feels like you're never really interested. You don't ask how I am or if there's anything new with me. You don't notice when I'm down in the dumps or crying my heart out. I would always have to give you a signal or a clue of some sort.
Aren't best friends supposed to notice if something's wrong? I don't want to be needy or anything but I just want to feel that you're there when I'm falling apart.
I can't always tell you how I feel because I don't know how to. I don't know how to start. I don't know the right words. I don't know if you're other best friends act like this. But most of all, I don't know if you would even listen. I don't want to keep ranting and pouring everything out to other people. I want to tell you but this uncertainty is too much of a risk.
Can't I be on the top of your list this time? Can't I be your best friend? Am I not worth the effort? Am I just an excess baggage? A second choice? Maybe I'm not your partner in crime or the first person you think of when you find knew things to do. Maybe I'm not your closest friend. Maybe I'm not the person you call at 3AM because you feel lonely or the person who you go to when there's something wrong. And maybe, even if I can't bring myself to accept it, the answer to these doubts is that I won't ever be a best friend to you.