When I saw your huge smile plastered genuinely on your face, I was devastated. I bet you thought that I would be as equally happy when you boast of your gorgeous photos from your recent vacation. But I was oblivious, just exactly the way you were with my feelings. You were too naive to realize that behind our so-called ideal friendship, contempt was growing within me.
How can someone be sincerely happy at the expense of others? At my expense?
We were great friends then. We shared stories that only us would understand and appreciate. We divulge our thoughts that even our beloved will never find out. We keep each other company during our tiring and stressful nights. They say that having a mental connection with anyone is rare, but with you it's the most natural thing—just like how the sun gives its way to the moon when evening comes. Our friendship was on a roll! Or so I thought.
In my moment of weakness, when I badly needed a friend to hold on to, you took advantage and took what was rightfully mine. You chose to hurt me. You chose to be an ungrateful friend who's in no way helpful me take the separation easier. You choose to let me go. It seems so easy for you to leave me, which makes me wonder if all the moments we shared even mattered to you. You chose to break me apart.
I really thought friendship was about having each other's backs when the difficult time comes. But you even became an instrument in my agony.
I was lost after you left me hanging. You have no idea how I struggled to build my damaged self in the uncertain world you left me in. I was full of doubts and fears. Self-pity is killing me from the inside. I asked for help but you avoided me, as if I was a leper.
You seemed to not mind. You were too preoccupied basking on the glory that my sacrifice has given you. You just brushed off my hardships and told me that I'm strong and will eventually cope. Your words were more of disheartening than encouraging. I don't need words. I need presence and genuine support. But you were nowhere to be found. When you were in my place, I was there. No matter how busy life was for me, I found and made time for you.
I tried my hardest to stand up, but the obstacles just come one after the other. I am bruised and scarred all over. It was a rough year for me. And the best you can offer me were your delayed replies to my messages and stolen shots at happiness.
When I saw your smiling picture, I can't help but smirk. Right in front of me is the living epitome of the old adage "life is unfair." It pains me to the core to see you overjoyed when I am here wallowing in pain and misery. I can just imagine how you would react to all these grievances and tell me outright that it's my fault, that I was living in sorrow because I let it happen to me and I let you do this to me.
Just so you know I took the risk because I thought you're worth it. I took the road less traveled because I thought we're in this thing together.
I was just startled that while I was fighting demons, I was actually fighting alone. I was holding on to an assumption that in the midst of your success, you will remember and help the one who put you there. I thought I can count on you, but your absence made it clear that I can't. And now, you're back again! You're back because you need me—someone who will tell you how great the pictures you took in your latest escapade are and propel your ego to greater heights once more.
If there is one thing I learned from you it is to rely solely on myself, and to be fully responsible in all the things that is happening to me. You are perfectly right when you told me that I'm strong. I really am. I just thought that it would be better if I had someone to cheer me on the sidelines. But I would become like you, and I don't want to be like that.
Thank you for making me realize that being too dependent is sickening. I can now manage to do things alone. Hope you can to as I open my new year without you.