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From Our Readers: You Never Knew How to Love Me Right

So I'm letting go now.
PHOTO IFC Films ART Clare Magno

I have stayed for so long because I couldn't bear the fact of leaving you behind. After picking up your broken pieces, I couldn't let you shatter again. I don't want to see another tear stream down your face. You don't know how much it hurts me to see you in pain. I don't know what it is with you that I let myself walk in my own peril. There's something about you that pulled me so close I don't even know how to stay away anymore.

And so I stayed. I stayed because you said you love me. I stayed because I love you a lot.

I love how your eyes radiate when you smile. I started to see hope in it. I could finally see the fragments of your soul lighting up. I'm so grateful to be the reason behind that. I'm glad to hear the sound of your laughter with mine, the one we do until our stomachs ache. I can brag about how your calloused hands have known too much work that it just made me feel more safe and secured rather than turn me off. There were so much calm in you that put all the chaos in me at ease. I am your beacon but you are my shore. You are the anchor of my inner wanderess. You are my constant.

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Perhaps staying in one place wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be—as long as I am with you. So I stayed. I stayed because I want more of you.

We loved each other so much I didn't think ending is a possibility. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But you never returned the same joy I share when I tell you stories. Our opinions clashed and our tastes never jived. Your calls are too quick and your efforts always fall short on the brink. I don't want to demand too much so I kept my mouth shut. I felt like I'm selling myself short but I can't tell you that.

You think I don't appreciate you when in fact, I actually do. It is you who never saw my worth. It is you who kept telling me you love me but don't give your all to keep me. I gave you everything to the point that I now feel empty. But I stayed.

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I stayed because I still want to watch the sunset in different countries with you. I still want to see the world with you by my side. I stayed because it felt like the right thing to do.

I have been so obsessed with fixing you that I haven't noticed the cuts that bled when I picked up your fractured self. I have been so busy trying to keep you that I started to lose myself. I depended my happiness upon you and I know it's my fault. It is wrong of me to expect too much from someone who doesn't know how to express himself properly. It's my fault that I hoped for poetry when you can't even give me a single verse. It's my fault why I'm constantly breaking. But I stayed. I stayed because letting you go might be my biggest regret. I don't want you to be the one who got away. I want you to be my person through it all. But sometimes, holding on hurts more than letting go.

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We loved each other for all the wrong reasons and I couldn't bear this anymore. It is true that we have to deal with pain and that we must let it succumb our whole being. It is only then that we can let go. We should stop the pain before it completely ruins us. To be destroyed by the one you love is one thing but to destroy your own self is a whole different story. I'm not going to let that happen.

Letting go is like growing wings. It will surely hurt but once the transition is done, we can finally fly. Love doesn't hold us down. It makes us soar high. It should let two people grow—in their own terms. It doesn't separate, it unites. I stayed because I thought we had that. I stayed until I realized I was wrong.

I've saved you but it's about time to save myself, too. We both deserve better. So I'm letting go now. I'm letting you go. I'm setting us free.

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I don't know. by Mariella Ysabel Amatus

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I don’t know what to do. I feel alone. I don’t know what to do. I feel abandoned. Dreams are things we ought to have. Without them, we might never know where will our future take us. We seem to be trained to have them. I want to be a nurse. I want to be a doctor. I want to be an engineer. I want to be a lawyer. Those are the lines children tell in front of people. It seems simple to dream. To have an ambition. Well, I thought it is. But, now, as I put a book on my lap, thinking about where my fate will lead me, it isn’t.

I feel drowned in the responsibility of knowing what I wanted. The season of college entrance tests are coming. Yet, I feel nothing but doubtful. I studied, but now, I am not doing such a thing. I felt so engrossed the last time I checked myself months ago. Now, I am unsure of what I want to do. I have to study. Yes, I know. However, I feel so dismissive to do something. I can’t even point out what’s the problem in me.

What am I doing? I must go, open some books, and study hard. But, I am never doing it in this present moment. Instead of challenging myself with tons of knowledge, I am here writing this passage with my mind resonating with unspoken words and truth. I seem insane, right? What will happen to me if I keep on doing nothing? Well, simple. I will never be successful - I know that. Then, what must I do?

Asking myself such a question will never suffice what I really need. Because, I’ve been asking myself questions all the time. Yet, I’ve never come up with answers. I don’t know what to do. I feel like being pained. I don’t know what to do. I feel like being tortured. I don’t know what to do. I feel like being misunderstood. I don’t know what to do. I don't know.

A Stranger "Things"

strangers can be not strangers, they can be someone else

Isn't it intimidating to interact with strangers? Majority will say "yes" certainly. No doubt, parents also come up with their very classic "Don't talk to strangers" smart advice for their children. But come to realize to take the opposite approach of it as we grow older, there's a tangled idea in our head it it is beneficial or not.

Finding comfort to someone we don't know is like finding a needle in the bunch of hay. A blurry-blurry thing, a no-percent no-possibility to happen. But not to compare, for others it's like their way of finding comfort, way to socialize, way to widen their circle of acquaintance, that's why psychologist somewhat agree with it. If the person didn't give you a ghastly vibe, why not give it a try to interact. It's kinda weird thing to open doors for strangers,but at the same time, its interesting. Think of this, why its easy for others to share secretes of them, or to have pretty intimate conversation to random person? Cause they say, "No judgement".

Why its okay to ask help to person we dont know if we are in unfamiliar place? Cause they can help us, and same goes in other way. Bottomline, Strangers are not just strangers or a person we dont know, or a person that our parents taught us not to talk to. They can be someone else who can help us in times of unfamiliarity of places or thing. They can be the person who sit next to you in the bus who ask for a little help for direction and end up having a great conversation.

They can be a lot more we didn't expect to, and you can tell by yourself that your best of friends you have today are once a complete stranger to you yet you end up having a strong bond of friendship. They are the person we completely don't know, we dont know their upbringings or what, but sometimes the can be more helpful to us than the others we know. By simply having a casual conversation with them, we're not noticing that they are giving us a diffirent approach to different aspects in life and unfortunately, this idea overpowers by just word "stranger". Hopefully, maybe now or then, we're very thankfull that we took the opposite approach of "do not talk to strangers"

marj carbonel 7 hours ago
Nyla David 8 hours ago

Hi Candy! I saw a repost of your IG story from one of my good friends who happens to be your candy rookie, Margaux Nonato, about students who started their business this quarantine season. I wanted to submit my own story as well but didn’t have the guts to do so, until I read the stories of some students who happen to share the same experience as mine!

Telling my own story might be a little overdue, now that you’ve already published the article but I wanted to give this a try still if it means inspiring other people as well. I am an incoming third year medical student from De La Salle Medical and Health Sciences Institute and I have also decided to do something productive (aside from studying my backlogs of course) and something unique that may help me to challenge myself into exploring new things aside from human anatomy, pathology, and all those medical greatness.

Kudos to everyone who decided to start their online businesses! I must say it isn’t easy at all so we all deserve a round of applause for doing great and getting this far! I’ve always been a fan of baking since I was a kid. I remember making my own chocolate chip cookies when I was in second year high school and back then, I only baked with a microwave (since our oven was whack) and used choco choco as the chocolate in my cookies ???? they are not as bad as they seem! Trust me!

Since then I’ve always dreamed of finding the perfect recipe. I took Biochemistry in college and went straight to studying Medicine so my plan in finding the perfect recipe was always postponed since studying for my future patients will always be my number one priority. (Naks) Then Coronavirus happened. I just finished my last semester for 2nd year Med last June and I’ve decided to finally come up with the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe, then tried selling them for extra allowance to help in our expenses. In addition to my chocolate chip cookie recipe, I’ve also managed to bake chocolate crinkles and different varieties of brownies! Who would’ve thought that a super busy medical student would have the chance to bake and create her own online business as well? (While in Med School!!!)

So then I started my online business, named “Harina Manila”.You can also find it on instagram and facebook @harina.manila!! I like to call my baked goods “paboridough” because the ones that I bake are indeed my favorites and I‘d like to share it with everyone. Kaya sa mga broken hearted jan, dibale nang hindi ka niya pinili, sa Harina Manila, ikaw ang aming paboridough ???? (hahaha corny!) From deciding what to name your business, to buying ingredients almost every week, and finding the right packaging that fits your style, starting your own online business really takes time and dedication! But as they say, kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga!

This goes not only to medical students like me, but to all students who are struggling to keep themselves sane this quarantine season. Amidst the pandemic that we are facing right now, I hope that we may not forget to take good care of ourselves both physically and mentally. May we find the courage to remain optimistic and try new things that could help us grow and become better. Sharing with you my story this quarantine season, I hope I may be able to inspire other people into believing that they too, can do something amazing, heck there’s no limit to what we can all achieve! As long as we work hard for it, malayo ang mararating natin! I thank you, Candy Mag, for spreading good vibes and inspiration to everyone by publishing good stories! To all the lovely readers who took their time to read Candy’s article, if this ever gets published, I hope you remind yourselves today that you are capable of doing amazing things and that there is no limit to what you can achieve. Fighting! Dont forget to visit, like, and follow my page on Facebook and Instagram, Harina Manila (@harina.manila) and try out some of our baked goods! We got you covered, my paboridough! Thank you! ??

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