My desire to chase my dreams opened doors of uncertainty. When I entered the university, I wasn't aware I incurred upon myself a wound so great I may never be able to aid it. I was only aware of my greatest desires. I was that naïve that I just went for all I care. Surely five years is doable. Or so I thought.
Being ambitious comes with pros and cons. To be honest, I could not think of my life any other way. If given a second chance I would still want to dream big dreams and hope big hopes. My only fault was that I forgot about its downside that I also forgot to equip myself with arsenals of optimism, trust, confidence, most especially, faith.
You see, even armored soldiers are still vulnerable. Then throwing yourself in a battle unprepared? That's a foolish thing to do.
My dearest freshmen self. I think you may have raised your ambitions and hopes too high. I know you were young. You thought you had it all figured out. You were just simply happy and proud with your life ahead. But listen, you're wrong.
Being so small is a struggle I endured my whole existence. When I was elected president in grade school, it was so difficult to discipline and bring my fellow students to follow my lead when all they see is the "little one." Later on, I tried wearing wedges for the simple reason that I love wearing anything pretty. But because judgmental people exist, I learned to wear it then for the reason of hiding my insecurity away. It wasn't easy but I learned how to cope with my protracted ordeal regardless.
People can never really blame me if they find me intimidating. But I guess I never learned my lesson that that wasn't enough for me; I had to complicate my life in college drawing attention to myself with a prominent family name—an attention that was inescapable. Never have I wished to be ignored before, only then. I think I may have this bad habit of constantly throwing myself to the extremes of uncertainties, never playing it safe. Now look where I got myself into.
Let go of your fears and dive into the unknown.
I dove into the unknown, yes but I still held on my fears. So long and tight, in fact. Then people took notice. People asked questions. People did comparisons. The pressure was real. I allowed it to create a hurdle in my own mind. That's when I started to fall apart.
In high school, I used to love Math. College was different in a manner that sometimes, I loved it, most of the time, I just hated it. Not all classrooms you enter in college can make you leave well-informed. Sometimes it is the complete opposite. Although I understand that is on one's perception and willingness. That is why I blame no one but me. I hated my books for being less comprehensible when really, I was just so so furious at myself for being weak. I started not to love me.
My negativity bullied the person who was once so full of hope and life.
It plagued my thoughts like a heavy, palpable, yet ungraspable fog! Saab Magalona wrote in the Candy #Feels book, "This is what bullies do. They take something you're proud of and turn it into something you think you have to hide." I was once proud of myself, so I never thought I can be my greatest bully.
It sounds like I am full of regrets. But I remembered the saying that, "No amount of regret can ever change the past." So no, I don't regret everything. I'm only trying to chastise who I once was, which I am not anymore. I'm a little careful now. I think about how I really am emotionally-driven and how I have allowed my heart of multiple emotions to lead the course of life. There was never a balance and my heart always went over my head. It will be for a long time.
I just have to practice and master how to put my emotions into the good because I may be an emotional lady, but I also believe that I am a smart one.
Even though my self-esteem had a humongous decline, I still tried to rise back up and lift myself. I had to. So I started attending my needs religiously and everything that it entails. I realized that I really created a big damage to myself. My last two years in college were spent looking for aid and bandages because I believe that every broken and lost soul is redeemable. For as long as we breathe, there is hope.
I believe that every broken and lost soul is redeemable. For as long as we breathe, there is hope.
Maybe you will always stumble along the way. I have always had the last six years! Had I learned it earlier I might have cushioned myself. But learning all these things the hard way may be the best thing that has to ever happen. I know I was the bane to my own college journey, but everything happens for a reason and this is my story to tell. I believe I gloriously conquered the bully me. So long, college.