I am currently in this long and confusing process of figuring out who I am and what I want. I'm trying to figure out all these feelings and thoughts and emotions that are stuck in my head. My mind feels like it's going to explode but I have no one to talk to, and I can't. I can't explain every single one of them. And I don't even understand myself anymore.
I cannot imagine that I'd have nights spent crying. I lie awake at 2AM, thinking, trying to hold back tears but I can't. All of a sudden, I just feel worthless. I'm disappointed at myself every single day and I have these thoughts whispering that I'm not good enough, questioning myself what's wrong with me.
Failures seem like a sure outcome whenever I decide to do something. Even though I put my 100% of myself into something, I'm always not satisfied with the outcome—even in the things I know I can excel in, can succeed in. I tried so many times, I've accepted it. I know failure is part of life and that they're supposed to make me strong, but it's just too much if you know in yourself that you've tried so hard and put so much effort into it and still failed. It hurts so much because it happens to me all the time.
I know failure is part of life and that they're supposed to make me strong, but it's just too much if you know in yourself that you've tried so hard and put so much effort into it and still failed.
I am so tired yet I have done nothing. All I ever wanted for myself is to prove something, to have something I will be proud of. But it was harder than I thought, it's really hard to be me—having no confidence and facing self-doubt always hinder me from doing something I can totally do.
I remember all the opportunities and chances I've wasted because of this shyness and low self-esteem. I hate myself for being like this. How can I even prove myself when I don't have the courage to do and try something new? I always allow myself to be consumed by the negativity. I always think of what people might say when it's just only me getting it worse.
How can I even prove myself when I don't have the courage to do and try something new?
Then one day, things changed. All those questions inside my mind were slowly getting answers. I realized that everything happens for a reason; that those breakdowns will be the reason why I need to stand up. I spent too much time overthinking and over-analyzing. I wasted too much time putting myself down that I don't even see that I am good enough, that I am enough. Maybe that was only way to face the reality.
I wasted too much time putting myself down that I don't even see that I am good enough, that I am enough.
When you're young you feel like it's the end of the world but it's not; it's just the beginning. This teenage life is just the first stage to know yourself better and to truly understand life. I may not have done great things yet, but one thing I'm really proud of is that I've learned to be mature enough to handle those struggles. I've learned to accept all the flaws and faults I've made, to appreciate every simple achievement I got, and most importantly, to love myself.
It's tough to win a battle when your opponent is yourself. There's this voice inside your head telling you that you can't, that you're not good enough but if you really look on the positive side, you'll get through it. There will be times when you win, and there are moments when you lose, too. Just try to hold on and you'll succeed.
The truth is, you are worth it and you're life is worth living. You just have to stay strong and live long enough to figure out why. These bad days will be the days that you can look back and be proud of yourself for getting through everything. Never lose hope and never, ever lose your faith. For I know I am not alone, He is always with me. In God's perfect time, everything will be worth it.
You don't understand what I'm doing now, but someday you will. —John 13:7