While I was grieving, I ruined every friendship that I had. I realized that if I'd have to let my heartaches go then the things or people that I associate with it has to go, too. That's when it became clear to me that I should cut the strings that connected me with them and release into God's hands the people who have hurt me.
I'd really like to be honest to myself, the people who I thought were my good friends have let me down when the time came that I needed them. It also hurt when I was practically screaming to the world that I needed someone's hands and received nothing in return. It was the wrong way to look for comfort, maybe, but I could use any form of comfort. I was that miserable. I thought then that I might be nobody to them because they simply didn't care. Those were the dark, terrible days.
I won't deny it. I was angry and I did hurt a lot of people—impulsively shutting my door without thinking things through. I knew then that to walk away from questionable friendship guaranteed some loneliness. But I still chose loneliness knowing I can no longer pretend things are okay. It wasn't the right way, but then maybe there was no right way at all.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry. You and I cannot change what already happened. Nothing can ever bring back anyone I lost. I can only confess, and I hope you would agree, that so many things just went by so wrong and untold. The only advantage we can make use of from the failures of our past is to let them become part of history and move forward.
I have moved forward. With the unconditional love of my family, the growing drive for my dreams, and a few close ties near by, and the Lord Himself, I have moved on. I feel like I am myself again at this point of my life. I feel like I'm close enough to the purpose that was really meant for me. I'd like to believe I can manage my pain now. It hits me sometimes, yes. But when I think of it I just tell myself, my Lord will never waste a pain I feel. My sincerest hope is that, all of you find your own light, too, because we'll all encounter a dark space as we journey on in life.
From friends to strangers, let's just let it be. Let's allow scars to heal with time and space where endeavor and words failed to remedy. Let this be my closure.