From Our Readers: What It's Like to Deal with Someone’s Death
"Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last." —Kristin O'Donnell Tubb,
Five years have gone by so fast, but it still feels like yesterday. Though the wounds of the past have finally healed, there are still times when I allow myself to drift away from reality, live with your memories, and try to picture them as vivid as I could. In that way, I feel like I've traveled in time back to the first moment I laid my eyes on you to the day we became official, to all the first things that we did together, and then the goodbyes that have been uttered but have never really been done because you would always come back to me and I would always come back to you. But life happened and time interfered.
Five years have passed and yet I could still remember the sound of your voice. I have memorized every feature of your face and your body, the way you move, the way you wrinkled your eyebrows when you were annoyed, the way your lips curved when you smiled at something silly, and the sound of your contagious laughter would always be tattooed in my mind. My heart—it may have loved a thousand times and might have been broken in a million ways, but it would always seek for you. And somewhere in the depth of my heart, you are there—easing the pain, serving as my refuge.
My heart—it may have loved a thousand times
and might have been broken in a million ways;
it would always seek for you.
And somewhere in the depth of my heart, you are there—
easing the pain, serving as my refuge.
I want to go back to December 2011. It was one of those cold December nights. I took a deep breath and inhaled the invigorating scent of the Christmas air, while the wind was blowing through my hair. Although it was so festive everywhere, I felt like I didn't belong there; I had fallen into oblivion. I walked home and went straight to bed.
My family wasn't home yet. My eyelids had started to feel heavy, I had them closed for a bit after I cried non-stop the entire week. With a heavy heart, I fell asleep. In my dream, we were on the couch and I was lying on your lap. We were having our usual conversation and out of the blue, I uttered, "Don't leave me." You smiled and didn't say anything, but instead, you bent over and gave me a peck on the lips. I opened my eyes and tried to summon myself back in the reality and started to sob like a little child because your touch was so real, the warmth of your body seemed familiar.
I didn't know when I stopped crying nor when I did. You know that feeling of wanting to run to the only person who could stop you from crying, but you can't do that because you're facing the painful truth that you won't see that person nor touch his hand and that you won't hear his voice anymore because he's gone and he will never, ever come back? Devastating. In one snap, the world that you created with him had collapsed. Just like that.
In one snap, the world that you created with him had collapsed. Just like that.
I reached for my phone and re-read our last conversations. You said we had to part ways for a while because the situation worsened. So I asked you if you don't love me anymore. You told me to focus on other things, too, instead of spending all my energy on you. You also assured me that you loved me, you really did.
Those messages were sent exactly a month before you left. It just felt surreal that maybe you had a premonition and you're trying to prepare me for your permanent leaving. Though I know that death is inevitable, I wasn't yet ready to let you go and I don't think I would ever be. Life after you was uncertain. Everything became uncertain and vague.
Though I know that death is inevitable, I wasn't yet ready to let you go and I don't think I would ever be. Life after you was uncertain.
I thought about all the things that I should have done when I still had the time. I should have told you to stay. I should have gone to you. I should have hugged you tightly. I should have taken a lot of pictures with you. I should have told you how much I love you and that no matter what happens, I would still hold on to you. I should have shown you how much you meant to me. I should have, but it's too late.
I have loved again after you, and I would always choose to love. But that doesn't mean that I love you any less. You have taken a large space in my heart, and maybe that's why I always look for you to other people. I would always remember you and if I honestly would have given a chance to choose someone to be with, I would always choose you in a hundred lifetimes just to be sure that we would have the right time for us and at the right place. Tonight, I looked up at the night sky and said, "Goodbye for now, my love. I would never ever forget you. I will always love you."
I would always remember you and if I honestly would have given a chance to choose someone to be with, I would always choose you in a hundred lifetimes just to be sure that we would have the right time for us and at the right place.