I was once that person who constantly needed some protection from the world beyond me. I was that person who always needed to depend myself and happiness on other people. I was also that person who was too afraid of being alone; I always needed someone to look out for me. I've been so emotionally weak all throughout my life that I just got tired of it.
I have had my heart shredded and torn into pieces; I almost lost myself while slowly picking up the tiny bits and without even knowing how to make it whole again. Now that I'm quite certain that it's finally intact and healed, I just can't risk having it shattered again. I just can't go back there.
I have worked so hard to build up these walls around me to protect my fragile heart. I've learned that being emotional means being weak, that once you let people in, once you get attached, you give that person the power to hurt you, even if it's not their intention to do so. What I've learned is that, people come and go, even years of cultivated friendship doesn't guarantee you permanence. No matter how close you both are or how well you know them, sometimes life has its own twisted way of allowing the two of you to drift apart.
Once you let people in, once you get attached, you give that person the power to hurt you, even if it's not their intention to do so.
I know for a fact that loving doesn't mean that it always has to be a bed of roses—of course there will always be good times and bad times. Loving means that you don't really care if your heart gets ripped out of your chest, because it doesn't really matter; you are willing to take the risk, you are willing to push through that relationship, work things out even if you end up getting hurt.
Love also means that you wholeheartedly accept the person no matter how screwed up they may be or have been. Love can make you feel like you can move mountains. I know how being loved and in love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also be the most excruciating, earth-shattering, sickening feeling. It will feel like all the air has been knocked out of you in just one snap, and you can't seem to learn how to breathe again. It will feel like you're watching your own slow, painful death while you're still alive. But this is not me being broken. This is not me having a stone cold heart, this is not me who got tired of always loving the wrong person. This is me being wiser. This is me knowing what I do and do not deserve. This is me who has learned a lot from the past.
I know how being loved and in love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also be the most excruciating, earth-shattering, sickening feeling.
I know in time I'll muster the courage to open my heart again but for now, I am contented with what I am and what I have. I know that somehow, somewhere in God's perfect time love will come and find me again, but for now there's no need to rush. I know someone out there will eventually be able to break down these walls and I'll finally be able to set my precious heart free again.