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From Our Readers: This Is How I Live with My Demons

It's more than fantasy, not horror, but worse because you have to live with it every single day.
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Anxiety and other mental disorders are never beautiful—even if some movies made them so mainstream that everybody's saying they have it. Never ever romanticize such disasters that live inside someone; there's nothing good in having constant fear that something might trigger what's not right in you to the point that you eventually lose yourself in the process.

Anxiety and other mental disorders are never beautiful—even if some movies made them so mainstream that everybody's saying they have it.

It's not as beautiful as people paint it to be. It's like waking up every day and meeting the demands of the world, while you painfully battle the urge to stay inside your room. It's a battle of thoughts about thinking you're going to be alright. There is also the lingering thought that nobody really understands, especially the people you meet at school or work. It's a burdensome thought that what if I was normal like everyone else; I wish I was like them.

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When you see the world that everybody has quite the same opinion of, you never really get what they mean. Sometimes you are more superficial than the rest, and sometimes you see deeper than what they see. You also have little moments of victory when you feel and act as normal as possible, when you get to hang out with others and you think this is me—a beautiful me—not weird, not creepy, and not quite dangerous.

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It's also having continuous plan on how to escape your situation—dreaming and thinking—that sometimes, when you think planning helps, it just actually worsens it. You just get lost inside your mind and on most days, you act like you function normally but you can't lie to yourself. It's more than a shadow, too. Sometimes, it's a doorway that invisibly follows you. It's a doorway which opens to a place where things are more familiar than the physical world you're living in. You find happy places you've never actually been to, you live in a pit of danger which you're not allowed to escape from, and you see different versions of yourself that only you know.

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It's more than a shadow. Sometimes, it's a doorway that invisibly follows you. It's a doorway which opens to a place where things are more familiar than the physical world you're living in.

Sometimes, it's all geometric figures or distorted places, faces, and ideas. It's more than fantasy, not horror, but worse because you have to live with it every single day. It's more than the advice you're given, your advisers, your loving and supportive parents and peers, and not even the empty bottles of pill or medication given to you. And when you think of happiness, what is it? Can you possibly have it? If the normally functioning mind finds it hard to process, find, and grasp, how much worse would it be for people like you.

When you think of happiness, what is it? Can you possibly have it? If the normally functioning mind finds it hard to process, find, and grasp, how much worse would it be for people like you.

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This is how it works every day for the ones categorized as mild and controllable. Can you imagine how worse it is for those who can't even function like a child? The people who belong to a type who can't see themselves within themselves? To those who have to conquer battles more deeply inside before they can face how to live with the demons outside? Just imagine. You'll see it is not a Hollywood dream come true in our real world.

Are you going through depression or anything you think you can't handle? There's a safe space for you to talk about what you're going through. Call 804-HOPE (4673).

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