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From Our Readers: The Scars You Left

You were the love of my life, but clearly, I wasn't yours.
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You left a scar on me that wouldn't fade. You took my sanity and now I am nowhere near getting it back. I was lost for so long that when I did try to find myself back, I couldn't remember who I was before I got lost. You were my light at the end of the tunnel but now you are the darkness that surrounds me, slowly eating my being.

It's been three years since we last saw each other, yet I still see you so clearly when I close my eyes. You haunt my dreams and even my waking soul. I walk the face of the Earth pretending that I have forgotten you, but in reality I've always kept you in a box. I tried to keep it lock, but you always found your way to keep it open. 

I do not miss you. I do not wish to see you again, but I still feel the pain you have inflicted on me.

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I cannot forget the pain. I cannot forget those sleepless nights. I cannot forget those silly lies. I cannot forget how much pain you caused. The pain you caused was so grave I was on the verge of ending it all. You kept hurting me every day, every day for a year. My willingness to live slowly went away, thinking every day if it's still okay to be awake.  The pain became greater than me. I could not bear it, nor could I leave.

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It took a lot of courage to stand up again. It took a lot of effort to rebuild myself. I aimed to build it high; I aimed to build it strong. Higher and higher I grew, but the crack, you could still see it through. I did not build it well; I did not build it good. I was in a hurry to put myself back that I did not see what it lacked. The base was so frail that it collapsed the moment I tried to step back in.

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So here I am again, building the same old pile of blocks, trying to smoothen out the cracks. Four years with you was one of the best and the most painful part of my life. I wish to forget, I wish to not feel, yet this beating heart just won't let me be.

We spoke once more, through email. You were fine and happy with her. I wish I could say the same for me. Three years I have been rebuilding myself, yet it falls every time I remember the pain. I'm tired of fixing myself. I'm tired of looking for someone to fix me. No one ever will.  You were the love of my life, but clearly, I wasn't yours.

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