From Our Readers: The Pain of a Non-Existent Goodbye
It was summer when we uttered out hellos and said our names. It was during one beautiful sunset when I knew that you would forever occupy a place in my heart, in my thoughts, and steal a piece of me.
Things that come without warning are the things that often last, but you came in like a breeze and nonetheless stayed like that. You were a breath of air so strong, so full, so noticeable. Yet as soon as I knew you was the time that you dissipated, you were gone like you never existed.
From the moment I saw your eyes, I knew you were nothing but a dormant hurricane, a foreboding of fate. I knew that all my days, I'll forever have your face as a sweet memory, a fading portrait.
What we had sprung from scrap, and we made it beautiful without giving it a name. What we shared were smiles that screamed happiness. We just hoped that somehow, what we had will always be what we'll have. You were a beautiful mess and I was a canvass left in oblivion. We were a pair that complemented each other intensely, everyone around us cowered. We were art. What we had were built in just a span of days yet a promise of an endless tale was already evident in our eyes. What we had was nameless yet it kept us burning, it ignited our hearts, fueled our hungry souls that searched for happiness for so long.
You were a beautiful mess and I was a canvas left in oblivion. We were a pair that complemented each other intensely, everyone around us cowered. We were art.
I thought that was it, I thought my search for bliss was finally over for I have you right next to me, under the radiant reign of the sun, under the glistening eyes of the world. Weeks passed, you were nowhere to be found. You disappeared under my heart's radar, like a smoke joining the wind. Your words that promised a myriad of good things were heard no more. Your voice that once sent my thoughts uproaring was nowhere to be heard. You left me faster than you came.
You left me faster than you came.
What have I done wrong? Was I too much to handle? Was I too in love? I never knew one could lose someone just because of caring too much. The time you left was the time I jumped and took the fall, but then you were not there just like you promised me before. The words you ever so lovingly said were left to be cultivated and propped alive by me.
What have I done wrong? Was I too much to handle? Was I too in love? I never knew one could lose someone just because of caring too much.
I was left alone and I was drowning in the world your words have created. I was left drowning in the promises that you nonchalantly uttered. I was in a state of calamity and you were not there to pull me from the current. You were only there for the good times.
The goodbye that you owe me is what I have always prayed for. Our love may be lost and our time may have passed, a word of parting from you is what I want for my last.
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these sheets that exactly remind me of how I gushed in between my pillow and space you filled in the longing of my burned sorrow put smile to my sober face just like how a three year old receive her lollipop
i searched you everywhere and here you are laying down beside me in my imagination the walls that our screens built a boundary and an obvious message that says i can never have you because you wear clerical shirt and obviously you loved someone else before me
oh god, do I really want this forbidden love? that only exist in my imagination? that only exist through my words? would you, meine liebling, notice me and my art one second? because I am dying to say I love you.
A Simple Learner Who's a Great Pretender
Maybe I'm just a learner, not a weirdo. A learner that knows how to listen and pretend. A simple learner who's a great pretender. Pretending to be slightly dumb enough not to be judged and criticized by those who do not appreciate my existence. We surround ourselves with people who's levels are either beyond or below our intellectual behavior, because as for reality, people may use you either for their success or your downfall. Since then, people tend to judge someone who has an intellect with things they shouldn't be. Making them a criticizer, and most of all, calling them weird.
Honestly, I'm one of this "weirdo" who actually loves to learn things, and for the record, I'm bullied and stressed out for making myself not to learn more and go with the flow to dumbness I had. Have you ever feel being assigned to some task where you know every process to make it easier and faster to finish but turns out to hesitate to voice out because some of your mates put themselves in charge. There are times where I know what to do, what to say, or how to react, but kept myself silent and pretend not to know anything that may help us. Maybe it's a good thing to just go with their ideas and learn from their perspectives, but sometimes you can't control it and says something, and once again called to be a weirdo and let you finish the work by yourself.
It's annoying that you only know one process yet they gave you the whole work and let you finish it by yourself because they insist that "MAGALING KA DIBA?". It's not your fault being an intellectual person, knowing such things that may help you to pursue your dreams, and have the basic knowledge about something. You don't need to know everything, just the basics. And as for those people who do not appreciate your existence, let them be and continue what's the best for you. In some cases, you'll be annoyed by this but most of the time you'll be thankful for it. Not for now but maybe later. Just be yourself either a weirdo, a great pretender, or a simple learner, and always remember to lower your voice and behavior because no one loves that.
Just be a great pretender not to hear any runts and be a good learner that appreciates everything. It's out of nowhere thoughts of mine, but simply I leave you this my favorite life quotation; "Don't introduce yourself, Let your success introduce you"
Dear me in six years, I wonder how life will treat you when you’re already 26 years old. Will you be financially stable? Will you be working in an advertising agency while pursuing everything about the arts? Will you be doing freelancing and living in a condo by then? I don’t know since things are very uncertain. I hope by the time you graduate from college and face the real meaning of the world, you’ll know what the real purpose of doing and living in the art will be.
I know it’s been so tough ever since you turned 20 but that’s how life works, I guess. There will be a lot of hopes and trials, breakdowns, and breakthroughs but I have high hopes of you becoming the better version of yourself. You always do, though. You were never a quitter. Making decisions is getting harder and harder as you grow but I hope it doesn’t make you stop doing what you really love to do. You will face different people with different perspectives. You will feel like a stranger once again, it’s like you were back in your freshmen year. It’s going to be tougher than you’ve expected but you can do it. I believe you can.
Most of the time, people's perception of us as a strong person makes us feel that we are not entitled to be vulnerable because they might be disappointed for seeing our weak spots. And so when we are hurting, we are often scared of extreme emotions and so bury our feelings. We deny them, trying to avoid the pain we feel.
But by doing that, we are just allowing it to come back to us and haunt us. And when it comes back, it might be stronger and it will be harder for us to get over it than when we faced them first. I realized it just now that facing those emotions will scare them until they're gone. The saying 'Let it hurt until it hurts no more' goes true. Admitting your pain to yourself doesn't make you weak. It only proves that you are strong enough to acknowledge such extreme emotions without avoiding them. We are humans and it's okay if we hurt sometimes.
Before, sliding over the rainbows
Now, our hearts are bruised
Days once full of love and laughter
Became dawns of forfeited ever after
Smiles that bring ticklish sensations
Turned to cold question and answer
Figuring who would be the next instructor
The queen’s awake
Grappling to the happiness that the sorrow and sadness take
Going back to all the promises he couldn’t make