Candy Feels

From Our Readers: I've Loved You for Three Years and You Didn't Even Know

I'm not in your days, not even in your memory. I'm just a mere stranger to you and I don't stand a chance to be by your side even if I wanted to.
PHOTO Pioneer Films ART Clare Magno

I like you. A lot. Much more than you can imagine. And in this past few years, there's no doubt that you're still the one that gives my heart the reason to race twice as fast as normal. I see your face smiling brightly whenever I see the sky, but things are different now and soon will be much more different because a new world already awaits both of us. That small blink of hope of meeting you again will still linger down in the very bottom of my bandaged heart. You never knew my feelings, it felt so naive and empty how I also never really knew yours.

I planted my unrequited love beneath the muddy soil and I know it's a love meant to be forgotten, not having a chance to bloom. But somehow, someday, I wish that sunlight will penetrate and allow it to grow into a beautiful love that's worth remembering.

No matter how many people I will encounter or even grown to love, they could never compare to you. For that exact same love can never be felt twice. I want to know the meaning of your smiles from time to time. I love it but at the same time, it hurts remembering how I will miss seeing that smile.

I am dreaming. As cold as I may seem on the surface or how I hated the idea of love, whenever I come across the word I can only imagine us. And just like a cheerful and hopeful little girl that I have become, I dream of walking down the aisle, side by side with my parents while you wait at the altar, crying because of how happy you are. I might seem bitter at times but that's because I want to forget that dream of seeing you in a wedding suit for I know I only got the slightest chance to be the love of your life.

As cold as I may seem on the surface or how I hated the idea of love, whenever I come across the word I can only imagine us.

The first time I saw you few years ago, I felt like I've known you for so long. Your face was so familiar, like I've seen you somewhere before already. And every time I see any old pictures or places I have ever been, I automatically wonder if I have seen you in there. It was my heart telling me and not my mind. But now I know we're both in a different world, surrounded by other people close to us. I continually ask myself how can we get to know each other if destiny is not yet at hand?

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And now, to say goodbye to that unrequited love, I carefully searched my heart and came across these words: Your happiness is my happiness. Such beautiful words carved in to two hearts that are madly in love with each other, but completely painful and full of anguish for someone who wishes it for the person she loves who never knew her feelings.

Your happiness is my happiness.

It's a sentence of goodbye and a promise of tribulation alone. It's a sorrowful happiness that one's kept and a really unselfish wish from someone who loves unconditionally even if that love is never to be returned or known. A carefully kept secret deep within the heart and for eternity. It will be there like a hidden treasure thrown in the middle of an unexplored ocean. It is a wish full of lies for the truth be told. Feeling both happiness and suffering at the same time is never true happiness or true suffering.

This is only a way to convince yourself that you have already given up your love for that person when you really know that you can't surrender just yet, but you also know that have to. You have to because you're hurting, because it's already painful to bear, because chasing after him will just cause you to forget about finding your own love. And simply because seeing him happy will just make you feel relieved.

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