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From Our Readers: I Should Stop Waiting for You
You were my greatest lesson disguised in a thousand heartbreaks.
PHOTO SBS

Thank you for the late night conversations, afternoon naps on each other's heads, and childish fights. These will always be the best things about us.

I loved your nonsense quips and you teasing me until I get mad. I loved how you sang along to songs despite how your voice cracked; I ended up laughing at you. I loved how we made faces at each other whenever we argued and no one seemed to be winning. I loved seeing you in the corner of my eye as you watch me tie my hair up. I loved how you wrapped your arms around me whenever I start to fall silent, allowing me to drown in my thoughts.

It's weird, I know. Weird how I poured out efforts like I never did before. Weird how much I liked you even when you didn't tick off half of what's written on my list of qualities on how my dream guy would be like. Weird how much I just loved you, even when I knew you didn't feel the same way.

Just like most beautiful things, everything fell apart. It wasn't about how you treated me. It was about how wrongly I took in all your well wishes for me. I thought I could be. I thought you and I could be. After all, it's me. But in your case, it was just me.

I thought you and I could be. After all, it's me. But in your case, it was just me.

I am nothing compared to all the girls you have and you've had. I am not anywhere near sporty or smart or beautiful or sexy. I'm just this socially-awkward, not-so-talented introvert and isolated 20-year-old-lady-in-a-15-year-old-body who couldn't seem to handle her unresolved emotional issues. I was just your friend who kept pestering you online, who irrationally got mad whenever you flirt with everyone else, who swallowed every pill of pride I had in my system, hoping you'd do the same for me.

Right from the start, I knew I wasn't the girl you would wish to be committed to. But when your arm held me by my waist, I felt all the universe conspire to whisper into my ear the assurances I hoped to hear.

That I was needed. That I was wanted. That I was loved. Or so I thought. I could only wish to remember all the details of the time we spent together. How I wished to pull you a little bit closer than how I usually do. How I wanted to lay there and spend my forever staring at you, diving into the deep brown of your eyes.

I was feeling okay again. I was okay even when the only solid relationship we were having was just a friendship on Facebook. I thought we were okay about living our lives separately.

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But one sunny afternoon, you held my sweaty hand and closed the inches between us, even when we both smelled like dust and salt and loneliness. Your arm found its way around my waist again, back to where it truly belonged. And we just sat there, listening to the most comfortable silence. You held me like how you did in the past.

We just sat there, listening to the most comfortable silence. You held me like how you did in the past.

But now you let go of me, and it feels like the past all over again. You said commitments aren't really your thing. Yet dumb as I was, I still waited. I waited until my legs hurt from standing on my toes, searching for your familiar face in the crowd. I waited until my phone ran out of battery as I hoped to receive a word from you. I waited until I got tired.

I got tired of the waiting game we played. It was supposed to make us stronger, you said. But here and now, I only felt more and more frustrated with our little unlabeled relationship. It was like waiting for rain on a perfectly sunny day. You were a castle surrounded by the thick walls that I tried to break down brick by brick. I've come to realize this is no fairytale. This is the real world and if you really wanted me, you should have made us happen already.

I only felt more and more frustrated with our little unlabeled relationship. It was like waiting for rain on a perfectly sunny day.

Now, I'd like to take back all things I have lost when I started loving you. My smiles, my hearty laughters, my positive vibe. Myself. I can't go on like this forever, shutting everyone out, depriving myself of the happiness I deserve. I need to let go.

I hope this letter gets to you and you'll realize how special you truly were to me. Please promise me that you'll strive to be whole and complete so that when the day comes that you'll get to meet someone who could love you better than I did, you won't lose your chance anymore.

Thank you. You were my life's biggest lesson, disguised in a thousand heartbreaks.

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