From Our Readers: I'm Terrified to Write About You
I am terrified to write about you. I'm afraid to put such raw emotions onto a piece of paper. There are so many things in my heart, so many things I'll never want to tell you. I don't want to break the thin layer of bubble you are. I feel sorry for myself, for being the one to apologize for everything.
I am sorry for the distance between us. I'm sorry for the weather because it wasn't what you wanted. I'm sorry for all the storms that came, which was definitely something I could never control. I'm sorry for saying sorry. You ask me why I'm sorry for everything, and the only reason I can give is because I feel responsible for your happiness.
We had the world, you know. Do you even remember? Way before we hit the one-year mark, you told me every single day that you loved me. You told me I was beautiful, and that you can't live a life without me. We would spend every week together. You would buy me flowers, and we'd celebrate every little thing that was worth celebrating. We would have sweet walks in the park in the afternoon, and video calls that lasted all night. We would have adventures from the North to the South. Do you even remember?
Suddenly, those things stopped. I guess it was all my fault for caring too much. It was all my fault for caring the way people, especially the way those important to you, thought about me. It was my fault for caring the way people thought about you and I in school. I felt suffocated from all these emotional distress coming from the way people would whisper things about me in school.
Our secrets weren't secrets anymore. I fell apart and so did we. I felt like I was the only one that was hurting. I didn't realize you were hurting just like I was. And I left you. I left you on the cold hard ground, alone. I was thinking about my happiness. When I realized that my happiness was you, I couldn't believe I just threw it all away because I was too selfish.
Two weeks. We broke up for two weeks, but our video calls and daily talks still remained. It wasn't the same though, it never was. It was heartbreaking to think that I'd never hear those three words like I used to. It felt like we were drifting apart, yet you were still there. It was really hard to make things work between us.
I have to admit, I was the most selfish person here. I left you and that was enough reason for you to leave me when I came back running to your arms. We tried to work things out. But it still was never the same. I guess you stopped trying just when tried harder. I said those three words more often now and those words barely ever came out of your lips on the phone. You started prioritizing your sport and your friends more than me. Before, we would see each other once, twice or even thrice a week. Now? We hardly ever see each other.
But when we do, it's still you. You are still my favorite person in the world. Am I yours? And thinking about all these things makes me terrified to write about you.