From Our Readers: I Loved Someone I Know I Can't Have
I like this guy. A lot. He's charming, sweet, and caring. Needless to say, he is physically fit and good looking. His eyes are hazel, and the way he looks at me makes my heart melt. I love how cute he is when he smiles genuinely and laughs wholeheartedly. He's not just the typical good looking guy wherein girls are swept off their feet by his charm. He plays basketball and soccer too. I fantasize about him all the time. I feel giddy everytime I go to school and see a glimpse of him from afar.
Seeing him or being just a few inches away from me gives my heart nothing but pure joy.
I always think that just by seeing or passing by him is more than enough. I am used to just by admiring him at a distance. I am just contented with how I feel towards him because he is beyond my reach. This guy was not mine, many girls like him too. There are other prettier girls who would do everything just to be near or be with him.
I am not just one, but one of the many. He is everybody's ideal guy. I held myself back from liking him too much because it kills my sanity and it makes my heart sink.
And the fact that he has a girlfriend makes my heart sink even more. It makes me sad just by thinking about it. I will forever be the unlucky girl who's hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't even know I exist. And I will just be forever waiting for something that's most likely impossible to happen. A certain mix of emotions is trapped within my chest. Is it too much to bear something deep and maybe temporary?
Being with you is too much for me to ask. It hurts knowing that our forever exists only in my own imagination. I envy her. I envy the girl who has everything she can ever ask for. Not just having you, but having the world that has you in it. She is being adored by you, loved and cared by someone so special.
I always ask myself, why is love too cruel to me? I have been through this for a thousand times, from the very first time I learned to love. Perhaps this was unrequited, meaningless, yet it gave me the most painful heartbreak. It was more painful than what I had before. This was different, you were different. I tried holding back but twhenever I did, it felt like I was pushing myself to you. I wanted to make it less painful and forget about everything, but then you were my comfort zone. Just the thought of you, gives me inner peace and comfort.
How funny it is for me to think of that. How could I say that I truly loved you when all I did was choose to love you even though I know I will not be loved back? I chose to ignore and feel the pain because I thought it was okay. But then I gave myself false hopes broke my own heart.
So this is what unrequited love is. It feels like its my first time yet it's also like an arrow pierced right through my chest, pushed deeper again and again and again. But I take the blame. I take them all. It's my fault.