Six months ago we broke up and for a while, I kept blaming myself for what happened between us. When I realized that this has been harming my life, I started to re-evaluate my life and look back on the five years we were together.
You were always present but rarely available. Your presence made it seem like you were already the best I got. So I felt like I lost the right to complain or to question the situation I was in. You were always there and yet I craved for your attention. You were never one call away; I always needed to beg for you to stay so I could spend some hours after school to talk about the littlest things I should be able to share with a boyfriend.
The circumstances made it so convenient for us to see each other, yet it made me feel like we were slowly drifting apart.
Remember how you made effort to see me after school when we were still attending different campuses? I know it because I felt it, too. You were more tired before because of the extra distance you needed to travel. But every time we would see each other I know it, I feel it. You wanted, needed to be with me. We would sometimes eat out and then ride home together. Even when we were just sitting next to each other, I felt how much you care for me. You would even beg so you can stay late, but I wouldn't agree because I'm too scared for your safety.
But things changed. I found myself begging for extra minutes. I begged for you to drop by and see me. I begged and begged but there would always be excuses I can't fight with. You were there when I needed you most and yet you were never available. You were there because the circumstances made you present, because we were attending the same departments. But I begged for you to listen over a few minutes of choppy phone call when I needed your shoulder to cry on.
I needed you to come over when I was on the brink of taking my life. I needed you to stay for a while when you insisted that you had gigs with your friends or when your laundry was piling up or when you needed to clean the house. You had all sorts of excuses, and still I couldn't complain because my eyes were set on this perfect image of a man I used to be with years ago.
I couldn't argue because it always seemed like I was asking for too much.
So when we broke up. I initially felt like it was all my fault. I counted the things I wasn't able to do for you. Maybe you got tired of waiting, too? Some friends even told me that I didn't love you enough because after all those years I still wasn't able to give up my purity to you. Not a month after we broke up, you found someone who was more ready. I thought, I didn't love you enough and maybe I really didn't deserve you. I even overlooked the fact that the issues were below my values. And yet, I blamed myself for how things turned out from what seemed to be perfect.
A part of me is still wondering if you thought of us in the same way? Do you believe that I was the one who ruined us? By any chance, I want you to know that I loved you and that it wasn't my fault that we couldn't survive. I know that now.
It became too hard for me to constantly beg for your availability. And it became too easy for me to fall out of love that even I didn't notice it. Now, as I look back, each time you hung up on me, each time you told me you can't make it, each time you said the signal was off and you can't listen to me, I told myself that I can't be with a man who's constantly unavailable. It was a cycle of disappointment and me trying to cope with my serious sadness alone. This silently built the idea of us breaking up somewhere down the road as it continued to collapse the tower I built for us years ago. I repeatedly disappointed myself by asking too much from someone whom I thought should be the first man I'd be looking for during those dark times.
I will not wish you well. Not because I don't want the best for you but because this time, I will stop thinking about you. This time, I will focus on myself. I will stop daydreaming about you because the last thing I need to move on is to reflect on the thought of you. I will stop wishing for the day when things can already work fine between us. Instead, I will pray for the day when I get to meet that man I wanted, even though it means loving someone else other than you. That time, it will be true and not just an idea. I wonder how long it will take but for sure it will be worth the wait.