Candy Feels

From Our Readers: I Don't Think You'll Stop Being My Constant

It's either you're gone or you're back or in between.
PHOTO KBS ART Clare Magno

I've realized that you and your name has been quite a part of my everyday life—not really every day but every time I hang out with my friends, you're always part of our conversation. They don't do it to intentionally bring back the pain or to tease me, but you were always just kinda there. I guess. Always related to my name. You and me. Together. Not together. Together. Lost. Back again. Ours was a maddening cycle of love.

Exhibit 1:
"How are the two of you?" 
"Not talking" or
"Eh, we're fine. I guess this time, it'll be all right" or
"I stopped replying. I'm just so tired you know?"

Exhibit 2:
"Have you moved on?"
"I have. Yeah, maybe" or
"I'm getting there, trust me" or
"Ha! Hundred percent!"

And there are a hundred more questions and opinions and conversations revolving around you, the things we did, our current situation, our future, anything they could talk about us. The answers have always been truthful even though it varies from which point of cycle we were at. 

ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

It's either you're gone or you're back or in between.

They ask. I answer. A pause then they'd look at me as if all of my answers were wrong or weren't enough.

I am not mad. I'm really not. I understand where my friends are coming from. I guess it's my fault for always talking about you before; about how I've let the pain consume me, how the mere mention of your name made me feel bitter and angry. I cursed you and your name yet somehow, while doing this, it made me miss you even more. And then it transitioned to calm waves of pretending to be fine and pretending to be fine even more for months and months and months. Almost a year of these solid answers and it finally took effect.

I guess it's all coming back—the realization that maybe I talked about you too much, and now I can't escape the prison I'm always thrown in whenever we have you as a passing subject of our conversations. It's like I have your name ringing in my ear every time.

ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

Hearing your name doesn't put me on the edge anymore. Nor does it make me stop in my tracks or make my heart drop or even make my heart skip a beat like it did before. Now your name is just a name. 

But I guess I have to deal with your name every single time you come up starting now. I have realized that you'll always be a part of me even when we are over. Always. Or for at least a very long time.

your REACTION
BOO

0

CUTE

0

EWW

0

HEART

0

OMG

0

YAY

0

/////////////////////////////
COMMENTS. JOIN THE DISCUSSION BELOW!
VIEW more ARTICLES ABOUT
Recommended Videos
Comments
latest on CandyMag.com
 
x
Share
 
x
Share
Even college students like us can apply for freelance creative jobs while we're still going for that diploma!
 
x
Share
These simple practices, when done consistently, end up being worth a lot.
 
x
Share
Bordeos becomes meat of online talk while helping out in family's meat business.
 
x
Share
 
x
Share
Trish is part of Candy Rookies 2020, a group of influential and aspirational college students handpicked to represent #GenerationCandy in the year to come.
 
x
Share
The more ~chill~ spots around UST might be more of your scene.
 
x
Share
Bea is part of Candy Rookies 2020, a group of influential and aspirational college students handpicked to represent #GenerationCandy in the year to come.
 
x
Share
This list compiles the city's tried-and tested music recording studios you'll want to check out.
LOAD MORE ARTICLES