From Our Readers: Hope Is a Bad Thing, But Regret Is More Powerful
You didn't ask for this. I didn't either. I was foolish to think that you wouldn't get tired, that I could still be me without you. I didn't mean to take you for granted but clearly, that's what you felt. I hid my feelings—burried them so deep that you felt there were none. I do not know how to arrange the right words in order to convey what I'm trying to say. All I know is that, I'm here in the middle of the night, writing things I could never tell you. I'm pouring my heart out, assuming that it would make me feel okay later on.
Now that you're gone, memories of you still linger everywhere I look. I can still feel your touch. I can still feel you. I can still feel everything now that you're gone.
As much as I want to take back everything I said and did, I couldn't. There's no reverse button, there's no going back. There's no rewind button to undo everything. I am left here to feel every pain that carreses my whole being. I am left to feel things I am scared of.
Hearts do not break even. Obviously, my heart is shattered and a lot of pieces are left with you. As much as I want you to be happy, it pains me to see you do things I wanted us to do with her. The envy, the hatred, the jealousy—I couldn't control myself.
I'm left here hurt, wondering where and how things went wrong. I wonder how I took you for granted, how happy we could have been if we were still together. Part of me still hopes you would knock on my door with open arms, telling me you're sorry you left and it's time for us to start over. Part of me still wants you to wonder how and what I'm doing. Part of me still wants you to love me.
Why is it that I'm left hurting when clearly you are happy and okay? Why is it that I'm the only one left here waiting when clearly you have moved on already? Why is that I still love you when clearly you forgot about me?
Those are questions I cannot answer. Those are questions I want you to answer, but I know you wouldn't. I have no idea where to start. I'm all messed up and I cannot think straight. I need to get rid of you. I need to let you go. I need to forget all the beautiful things we've done in order to erase this pain. I need to escape my mind.
I just want to be happy again. I just want to be okay again. These are the things I've been meaning to tell you, sweetie. These are the things I'm scared to say out loud. I love you, but I guess I have to love myself more.