"I can give you the moon, if you'd like me to."
"I will love you more than anyone else."
"I can share with you my jokes, if that would make you happy."
It's common among individuals to tell the person they love the things that they would do for them. They would make promises to each other and give their very best to keep these promises. They'd tell each other how much they love one another.
And I guess that's what makes me different because I'd rather tell the person I love the things that I can't do for him. I'd tell him the reason behind each one, because he deserves to know the truth. So if you're reading this, here are the things I can't do for you:
- I can't hate you.
Hate is such a powerful word, and no matter how many times I associate it with you, I just simply can't hate you. I can't hate you because I know you don't deserve it. You were kind to me even though I'm probably the most annoying person you've ever met. You treated me like I'm one of your closest friends even thougn I'm not. You try your best to help me even though you can choose not to. But most of all, you've made me smile during the times I thought I couldn't.
- I can't ignore you.
I've tried everything just to ignore you, but I guess all my attempts have failed. I tried walking away from you, instead my feet brought me nearer. I tried avoiding you in school by taking a different direction, but I found myself waving at you. I tried looking down to not make eye contact with you, but when I look up, you're still in front of me. As long as my heart still beats for you, then I guess I'm going to fail at ignoring you.
- I can't stop thinking about you.
Every day I read a book, listen to music, watch movies, and even hangout with my friends. But no matter what I do, I still end up thinking of you. Whenever I read a book, I find myself getting hit by words that I wish to hear from you. I listen to music and watch movies to distract myself from every thought of you, but I end up relating you to the lyrics and events instead. I gave up trying to stop thinking about you because even when I'm with my friends, there would come a time that the topic would be all about you.
- I can't unlearn you.
I memorize the way you walk, the way you talk, they way you smile, and most especially the way your eyes sparkle even when you're sad. I know your birthday, too, which makes it impossible for me not to greet you. From afar, I can recognize your figure. And whenever our eyes meet, I am brought back to the first the day that you said hello. To me, you're now a lesson that I can discuss even when I'm asleep.
- I can't regret you.
I can never ever regret you. I can never regret the way you made me feel. I can never regret sharing a part of me to you through our stories and short conversations. I can never regret the moments that we've had together. I can never regret you, because I opened a door for you in my life. And no matter what I do, I can never erase the fact that I cared for you despite the pain and rejection.
- I can't break you.
I want to hurt you so bad because I want you to feel the way my heart aches. I want you to know the sadness I feel because of you. I want you to know how much it sucks to be the only one making an effort. I want you to be as broken as I am. But I can't break you, because I care enough for you, that I won't allow myself to be the reason of your misery.
- I can't move on from you.
I see a lot of guys who can make me feel like I'm a princess. But guess what? You're the only prince charming that I've wanted ever since I laid my eyes on you. I can't move on from you because you've given me hope that we could be a possibility. I can't move on from you because you've given me so many memories, giving me more reason to continue choosing you. But most of all, I can't move on from you because I'm scared of having a world wherein you're no longer in it.
- I can't blame you.
The blame is all on me. I blame myself for being so stubborn that I can't give other people a chance. I blame myself for trying so hard that now, the word "give up" doesn't even exist in my vocabulary. I blame myself for falling for you, even though I know I shouldn't have. I'm all to blame because how could I blame you, if all you ever did was make me stronger than before?
- I can't run away from you.
If only I could, I would've ran away from you every time I was given a chance. I would've saved myself from the pain. I would've let my heart hide in the shadows, and would've ran ten timesfaster when you aren't looking. But I couldn't. I simply couldn't. Because how can I run away from the person whom I've chosen to enter my heart?
- I can't give up on you.
I've been asked countless times, "Why him? Why can't you just give up and find someone else?" And my answer has always been "I don't know." But now I know why can't give up on you. I can't give up on you because with you, I feel like my heart is going to explode due extreme happiness. I feel like my stomach is filled with thousands of butterflies that won't stop fluttering unless you leave. I can't give up on you because I've held on for so long, so why should I give up now? I've been given a million reasons to give up on you, but I can still find one strong and definite reason not to. That is how I know you're worth it.
I can do a lot of things for you. But the 10 things I've mentioned, those are the ones I can't do no matter how many times I've tried. So I'd like to tell you that I'm sorry and I hope you'll understand.