For When He Leaves Again
I know he promised you he wouldn't, and maybe at the time he did mean it.
It's easy to tell yourself he was a liar, because then you actually have something to hate him for. You need that kind of push when the thought of him pulls you right back in. Maybe this time, you have to close those doors and restrict yourself from opening them even if it is just to check if everything is still in place—you don't have to seek for answers you already know but are afraid to admit. They always say acceptance is key and maybe you should listen. You've stopped long ago because his voice was the only thing that echoed inside your head.
Let the waves of hurt crash into you, again and again, soak in the pain until it dissolves. It will, no matter how bad it gets. Slowly. You should know by now that anything built on shaky foundation in a short amount of time is bound to collapse under pressure. Now it is time to take down the bridge between your homes. He walked out the door once and just as you were about to give up, he found his way back with a pocketful of promises which you carefully held in the palm of your hands. You have to kill the hope that he'll always come home to you, because that is what will kill you. Stop. Love was sweeter the second time around. And then it wasn't.
Take down the photos, even the ones where you two look happy in each other's arms, like you never knew the feeling of being left behind.
You cannot keep holding on to these memories, because you know too well that behind the scenes, it wasn't as perfect as you made it out to be.
Stop going through old messages, looking for traces of the love he once had for you, because now he can't be bothered to check in on how you are doing. He doesn't care anymore, and maybe you shouldn't, too. Staying up till 3AM in hopes that he will call you, voice laced with sleep, ready to listen to the thoughts inside your head, will do you no good.
He is no longer here, and you have to let go of the idea that he will always be a dial away.
Get some sleep, dream of something new. Sometimes we forget that we can be so in love with the moment and think we are in love with the person we share it with. There are still places you haven't been to, people you haven't had time for, conversations to be had, and experiences to be cherished. Don't keep coming back to the past, you don't live there anymore, and you'll never get to where you want to be if you don't put one foot in front of the other. Move forward, you've always been the one to believe in endless possibilities.
You are not collateral damage, nor are you a damsel in distress. You do not weep for a man who did not treat you with the kindness you deserve; you brew storms over how you loved them afterwards. You are not the girl you are right now, a stranger with a pen and a heart that needs a lock.
You are not his girl—a mere possession—because you are more than his arms wrapped around your fragile body and the way he says your name like a sigh of relief. You are not homeless and he is not the shelter you seek warmth in.
Your heart is filled with so much passion and a love so pure that he tried to turn cold after getting burned because he was too close. You are the weather, and you will not change for anyone if it means losing a part of yourself.
You are the girl who chooses herself first because you know how it felt when he made you second—but that is not you, for you are not weak. You are human, loved beyond measure and resilient beyond belief. You should give yourself a chance, after all, you've already given too many away. This is just another night full of your heartaches, and you've always been one step ahead. You need to have a little faith and stop waiting for him to leave again when you've always done enough for him to stay a little longer, because one day—he just might.
He hasn't left yet, don't let him.
Marielle Tuazon writes poetry, prose, and anything under the sun on: mariellewritesalot.tumblr.com.