Candy Reader Poetry: Ikaw Na Nagmahal Sa Akin No'ng Hindi Ako Kamahal-Mahal
Natatandaan ko pa.
Natatandaan ko pa noong hawak mo ang aking kamay
Habang nakasakay sa jeep.
Sabay sa tirik ng liwanag, at mga bulong mo sa tenga,
Na makakauwi rin tayo,
Makakauwi kung saan man tayo patungo.
Gunitang-gunita ko pa.
Gunitang-gunita ko pa noong ayaw na ayaw mo akong bitawan.
Sa kalagitnaan ng sigaw at iyak ko habang hawak ang kutsilyo.
Gunita ko pa lahat ng pinagsasabi mo,
Na kahit anong hirap ang abutin ko dito,
Sasabayan mo pa rin ako.
Naaalala ko pa.
Naaalala ko pa kung anong saya ang pinaranas mo sa akin.
Mga halakhak habang sinasalubong ang sikat ng araw,
Mga lihim na tanging tayo lamang ang may alam.
Mawala lang sa isip ko ang dapat kong isipin.
Nakakalimutan ko na.
Nakakalimutan ko nang alalahanin ang mga ito;
Ang bawat rason kung bakit gusto kong iwan ang buhay na mayroon ako.
Ang sakit na nadarama ko, sa bawat tingin ng tao.
Ang mga salitang binitawan ng ama't ina ko.
Nakakalimutan ko na, at salamat.
Nawawalan na ako.
Nawawalan na ako ng rason kung bakit ko pa ihihinto ang buhay na ito.
Nawawala na lahat ng bahid ng sakit, luha at dugo.
Nawawala na sa isip ko, pati ang mga pinagsasabi ng mga tao.
Nawawala na ang mga dapat mawala,
At hindi ko inakala, na isa ka pala doon.
Napagtanto ko na.
Napagtanto ko nang napapagod ka rin kakabuhat ng problema na hindi naman sa'yo.
Na hindi lang naman ako ang may problema sa mundo,
Na pati pala ikaw, dumaranas nito.
Na nakalimutan ko na tao ka rin pala,
Nasasaktan ka rin pala, kahit papa'no.
Pagpasensyahan mo na.
Pagpasensyahan mo na ako sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko, alam kong marami ang mga ito.
Pasensya na sa mga halakhak na hindi ko maisukli sa'yo.
Pasensya sa pag-aalagang hindi ko naman maibigay sa'yo.
Pasensya sa pagiging pabigat ko, na dapat pampagaan naman ako.
Pasensya na, at nagsisisi ako.
Nagsisisi na ako.
Nagsisisi ako na hindi kita nabigyan ng pagmamahal na dapat lang naman ibinigay ko.
Nagsisisi ako sa bawat halik, lambing, at yakap na kahit kailan di mo na matitikman.
Nagsisisi ako dahil hindi kita minahal, tulad ng pagmahal mo sa akin.
Nagsisisi ako sapagkat hindi ko nakita ang halaga mo.
Nagsisisi ako, na kung kailan huli na, nakikita ko palang ito.
Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng sinakripisyo mo.
Sa lahat ng binitawan mong salita, at sa pagtupad mo nito.
Nagpapasalamat ako't inintindi mo ako, kahit hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko.
At sa bagong buhay na unti-unti mong ipinakilala sa akin,
Lalong-lalo na sa paghatid, upang malaman ko kung paano maglakbay na wala ka na.
Nagpapaalam na ako.
Nagpapaalam sa dating buhay na mayroon ako, at sa mga alaalang puro lang mukha mo.
Paalam sa pagsisisi, pagsasakitan, at pagmamahal na halos walang silbi.
Paalam na sa'yo, at sa napakaraming bagay na natutunan ko dahil sa'yo.
Paalam sa dating ako, na ikaw mismo ang nagpabago.
Paalam at salamat, dahil minahal mo pa rin ako, kahit hindi ko kinayang mahalin ang sarili kong ito.
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these sheets that exactly remind me of how I gushed in between my pillow and space you filled in the longing of my burned sorrow put smile to my sober face just like how a three year old receive her lollipop
i searched you everywhere and here you are laying down beside me in my imagination the walls that our screens built a boundary and an obvious message that says i can never have you because you wear clerical shirt and obviously you loved someone else before me
oh god, do I really want this forbidden love? that only exist in my imagination? that only exist through my words? would you, meine liebling, notice me and my art one second? because I am dying to say I love you.
A Simple Learner Who's a Great Pretender
Maybe I'm just a learner, not a weirdo. A learner that knows how to listen and pretend. A simple learner who's a great pretender. Pretending to be slightly dumb enough not to be judged and criticized by those who do not appreciate my existence. We surround ourselves with people who's levels are either beyond or below our intellectual behavior, because as for reality, people may use you either for their success or your downfall. Since then, people tend to judge someone who has an intellect with things they shouldn't be. Making them a criticizer, and most of all, calling them weird.
Honestly, I'm one of this "weirdo" who actually loves to learn things, and for the record, I'm bullied and stressed out for making myself not to learn more and go with the flow to dumbness I had. Have you ever feel being assigned to some task where you know every process to make it easier and faster to finish but turns out to hesitate to voice out because some of your mates put themselves in charge. There are times where I know what to do, what to say, or how to react, but kept myself silent and pretend not to know anything that may help us. Maybe it's a good thing to just go with their ideas and learn from their perspectives, but sometimes you can't control it and says something, and once again called to be a weirdo and let you finish the work by yourself.
It's annoying that you only know one process yet they gave you the whole work and let you finish it by yourself because they insist that "MAGALING KA DIBA?". It's not your fault being an intellectual person, knowing such things that may help you to pursue your dreams, and have the basic knowledge about something. You don't need to know everything, just the basics. And as for those people who do not appreciate your existence, let them be and continue what's the best for you. In some cases, you'll be annoyed by this but most of the time you'll be thankful for it. Not for now but maybe later. Just be yourself either a weirdo, a great pretender, or a simple learner, and always remember to lower your voice and behavior because no one loves that.
Just be a great pretender not to hear any runts and be a good learner that appreciates everything. It's out of nowhere thoughts of mine, but simply I leave you this my favorite life quotation; "Don't introduce yourself, Let your success introduce you"
Dear me in six years, I wonder how life will treat you when you’re already 26 years old. Will you be financially stable? Will you be working in an advertising agency while pursuing everything about the arts? Will you be doing freelancing and living in a condo by then? I don’t know since things are very uncertain. I hope by the time you graduate from college and face the real meaning of the world, you’ll know what the real purpose of doing and living in the art will be.
I know it’s been so tough ever since you turned 20 but that’s how life works, I guess. There will be a lot of hopes and trials, breakdowns, and breakthroughs but I have high hopes of you becoming the better version of yourself. You always do, though. You were never a quitter. Making decisions is getting harder and harder as you grow but I hope it doesn’t make you stop doing what you really love to do. You will face different people with different perspectives. You will feel like a stranger once again, it’s like you were back in your freshmen year. It’s going to be tougher than you’ve expected but you can do it. I believe you can.
Most of the time, people's perception of us as a strong person makes us feel that we are not entitled to be vulnerable because they might be disappointed for seeing our weak spots. And so when we are hurting, we are often scared of extreme emotions and so bury our feelings. We deny them, trying to avoid the pain we feel.
But by doing that, we are just allowing it to come back to us and haunt us. And when it comes back, it might be stronger and it will be harder for us to get over it than when we faced them first. I realized it just now that facing those emotions will scare them until they're gone. The saying 'Let it hurt until it hurts no more' goes true. Admitting your pain to yourself doesn't make you weak. It only proves that you are strong enough to acknowledge such extreme emotions without avoiding them. We are humans and it's okay if we hurt sometimes.