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Candy Reader Poetry: Ikaw Na Nagmahal Sa Akin No'ng Hindi Ako Kamahal-Mahal

Lahat ng ito'y dahil sa'yo.
PHOTO Viva Films ART Clare Magno

Natatandaan ko pa.
Natatandaan ko pa noong hawak mo ang aking kamay
Habang nakasakay sa jeep.
Sabay sa tirik ng liwanag, at mga bulong mo sa tenga,
Na makakauwi rin tayo,
Makakauwi kung saan man tayo patungo.

Gunitang-gunita ko pa.
Gunitang-gunita ko pa noong ayaw na ayaw mo akong bitawan.
Sa kalagitnaan ng sigaw at iyak ko habang hawak ang kutsilyo.
Gunita ko pa lahat ng pinagsasabi mo,
Na kahit anong hirap ang abutin ko dito,
Sasabayan mo pa rin ako.

Naaalala ko pa.
Naaalala ko pa kung anong saya ang pinaranas mo sa akin.
Mga halakhak habang sinasalubong ang sikat ng araw,
Mga lihim na tanging tayo lamang ang may alam.
Magdamagang nagkwekwentuhan,
Mawala lang sa isip ko ang dapat kong isipin.

Nakakalimutan ko na.
Nakakalimutan ko nang alalahanin ang mga ito;
Ang bawat rason kung bakit gusto kong iwan ang buhay na mayroon ako.
Ang sakit na nadarama ko, sa bawat tingin ng tao.
Ang mga salitang binitawan ng ama't ina ko.
Nakakalimutan ko na, at salamat.


Nawawalan na ako.
Nawawalan na ako ng rason kung bakit ko pa ihihinto ang buhay na ito.
Nawawala na lahat ng bahid ng sakit, luha at dugo.
Nawawala na sa isip ko, pati ang mga pinagsasabi ng mga tao.
Nawawala na ang mga dapat mawala,
At hindi ko inakala, na isa ka pala doon. 

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Napagtanto ko na.
Napagtanto ko nang napapagod ka rin kakabuhat ng problema na hindi naman sa'yo.
Na hindi lang naman ako ang may problema sa mundo,
Na pati pala ikaw, dumaranas nito.
Na nakalimutan ko na tao ka rin pala,
Nasasaktan ka rin pala, kahit papa'no.

Pagpasensyahan mo na.
Pagpasensyahan mo na ako sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko, alam kong marami ang mga ito.
Pasensya na sa mga halakhak na hindi ko maisukli sa'yo.
Pasensya sa pag-aalagang hindi ko naman maibigay sa'yo.
Pasensya sa pagiging pabigat ko, na dapat pampagaan naman ako.
Pasensya na, at nagsisisi ako.


Nagsisisi na ako.
Nagsisisi ako na hindi kita nabigyan ng pagmamahal na dapat lang naman ibinigay ko.
Nagsisisi ako sa bawat halik, lambing, at yakap na kahit kailan di mo na matitikman.
Nagsisisi ako dahil hindi kita minahal, tulad ng pagmahal mo sa akin.
Nagsisisi ako sapagkat hindi ko nakita ang halaga mo.
Nagsisisi ako, na kung kailan huli na, nakikita ko palang ito.

Nagpapasalamat ako.
Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng sinakripisyo mo.
Sa lahat ng binitawan mong salita, at sa pagtupad mo nito.
Nagpapasalamat ako't inintindi mo ako, kahit hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko.
At sa bagong buhay na unti-unti mong ipinakilala sa akin,
Lalong-lalo na sa paghatid, upang malaman ko kung paano maglakbay na wala ka na.

Nagpapaalam na ako.
Nagpapaalam sa dating buhay na mayroon ako, at sa mga alaalang puro lang mukha mo.
Paalam sa pagsisisi, pagsasakitan, at pagmamahal na halos walang silbi.
Paalam na sa'yo, at sa napakaraming bagay na natutunan ko dahil sa'yo.
Paalam sa dating ako, na ikaw mismo ang nagpabago.
Paalam at salamat, dahil minahal mo pa rin ako, kahit hindi ko kinayang mahalin ang sarili kong ito.










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A Simple Learner Who's a Great Pretender

Maybe I'm just a learner, not a weirdo. A learner that knows how to listen and pretend. A simple learner who's a great pretender. Pretending to be slightly dumb enough not to be judged and criticized by those who do not appreciate my existence. We surround ourselves with people who's levels are either beyond or below our intellectual behavior, because as for reality, people may use you either for their success or your downfall. Since then, people tend to judge someone who has an intellect with things they shouldn't be. Making them a criticizer, and most of all, calling them weird.

Honestly, I'm one of this "weirdo" who actually loves to learn things, and for the record, I'm bullied and stressed out for making myself not to learn more and go with the flow to dumbness I had. Have you ever feel being assigned to some task where you know every process to make it easier and faster to finish but turns out to hesitate to voice out because some of your mates put themselves in charge. There are times where I know what to do, what to say, or how to react, but kept myself silent and pretend not to know anything that may help us. Maybe it's a good thing to just go with their ideas and learn from their perspectives, but sometimes you can't control it and says something, and once again called to be a weirdo and let you finish the work by yourself.

It's annoying that you only know one process yet they gave you the whole work and let you finish it by yourself because they insist that "MAGALING KA DIBA?". It's not your fault being an intellectual person, knowing such things that may help you to pursue your dreams, and have the basic knowledge about something. You don't need to know everything, just the basics. And as for those people who do not appreciate your existence, let them be and continue what's the best for you. In some cases, you'll be annoyed by this but most of the time you'll be thankful for it. Not for now but maybe later. Just be yourself either a weirdo, a great pretender, or a simple learner, and always remember to lower your voice and behavior because no one loves that.

Just be a great pretender not to hear any runts and be a good learner that appreciates everything. It's out of nowhere thoughts of mine, but simply I leave you this my favorite life quotation; "Don't introduce yourself, Let your success introduce you"

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