To The Man Who Wasn't Brave Enough To Pursue Me
It’s been months since we’ve talked, but I can still remember everything about you, about us, and what happened in between. I can still remember the first time you talked to me wherein great conversations are shared. The first time is then followed by second, third, fourth, fifth and so on, until the girl that thirsts for a romantic love was unraveled in me. I never saw it coming, I’m completely unaware that you keep on awakening my worn-out and resting heart by your restorative personality. I didn’t know that when you came, you’re bound to change my life. My whole life, in best and worst ways possible.
The first months were okay, the fear of falling in love is gradually vanishing inside me. The way you share your thoughts with me, the way you comfort me every time I’m having a breakdown, the way you easily lighten my mood up, the way you flex about your lots of talent and abilities– drawing, playing the guitar and drums, plus representing your school at various competitions in which I would laugh because you brag too much just for me to notice you, the way you spill out a corny pick-up line or a joke, the way you make me smile unconsciously, and the way you simply make my soul happy, are just manners of a man willing to pursue a princess whom he believes God sent him.
And yes, I found all that you do lame at first, but as time passed by, I discovered your real intention–-to destroy the wall I’ve created and build a bridge that would connect our two beating hearts. It’s fresh to me, because no one dares to. No one dares to question me why I have trust issues, no one dares to ask me about my past, no one dares to know my pain, and no one dares to explore the depth of my life. But you came, and my heart felt mended, anew, and somehow open to people. I found myself satisfied by the positive influence you’ve given me. I found myself smiling because of the thought that finally, someone saw what others failed to see in me.
Someone realized that I’m worth their time and affection, that I’m worth accepting and loving. As the exploration of the abyss of our souls go by, I can’t help myself but to feel the electricity that is running through the both of us. I can’t help myself but to see the sparks fly whenever I see you or you’re near me. I can’t help myself but to savor all the memories and moments we have shared together–-all the laughter, the gloom, our insecurities and even our jealousy stages. I can’t help it. I can’t help thinking that maybe it’s you. The man I’m waiting for, the man I’m praying for. Maybe, at the time that I least expected, God has sent me my prince, God has sent me you.
But life is not just a walk in the park, unanticipated things happen. And these things are fated to change you, to change us. Why? Why all of a sudden, in the moment that I’ve discovered my true feelings for you and I’ve ascertained that the wall I’ve built has finally been destroyed and you’ve already built a bridge, you’re going to dismiss your pursuit for me? Why have you decided to just end it? To leave me in the lurch? To leave me with no choice but to unlove you? To leave me with my eyes full of tears, my mind full of questions, and my heart full of doubts? Am I not enough? Or you saw too much, enough for you to witness who I truly am?
Did I disappoint you? Did you see any traits of mine that made you unlove me? Any flaws or imperfections that made you realize that I’m not worth it? Or did you just catch sight of someone whom you found much better, much beautiful, and much worthy of your time and affection? Did you just let me go that easily just to pursue another girl who is more worth accepting and loving? Did you just dump the thought of ‘us’ together? Did you just eat your words and break all your promises?
I have lots of questions and I need answers, you see. But there you are, living life like you have not hurt a person, like you have not told me things that changed the way I think and feel, which totally changed me from being stubborn and coldhearted to someone romantic and cheesy. You’ve changed me to someone better and have brought out the best in me. But with the pain you caused, you also have brought out the worst in me by making the scenarios between us worse. And it’s driving me insane, knowing that you are not being held accountable for what you did. Because there you are, living life like nothing has happened between us, like you have not first approached me, asked things about me, had conversations and shared happy and not-so-happy memories with me, like you have not bragged about what you do just for me to notice you, thrown me corny pick-up lines and jokes nor made me happy and then laugh. It’s like you have not entered my life and disturbed my tranquil heart, like you have not had the courage to break down the walls I’ve built and build a bridge. But as your courage intensifies, intentionally or not, you’ve also made my heart broken, agonized, and devastated. You’ve also built the bridge, then destroy it afterwards. Just as how instant you’ve made me happy, then broke me.
It’s been months, yet the pain still stings. And all I do is cry, because I’m not brave enough to confront you with what you did and with what happened to us. Just as you aren’t brave enough to pursue me and continue pursuing me until you see the nakedness of my soul. You aren’t brave enough to leave the shallow and go deeper, and see the distinct horror and the wonder I’ve got. You just aren’t brave enough. So thank you for leaving me hanging, for stopping your pursuit. Thank you for making me realize that unexpected people will come in my life, and then leave at the most unexpected moment.
Thank you for healing my heart and putting it in comfort. Also, thank you for shattering it into pieces again afterwards. I thought you are the one who would genuinely make me, but you came to break me. I see, you are just like the others. You are not brave enough, you can’t stay true to your words. You are too young to face what true love is. You failed to know that true love is all about staying despite how hard the odds are.
True love never leaves, it always stays, and it always waits. Dear, what happened already happened. I’m not happy with it, but at least, I now know that it’s not yet the right time to know who the right person for me is. Maybe I’m now grappling with the pain again, but I have no choice but to move forward and forget everything. I have to fix myself, I won’t depend on other people to do it for me. I need to be stronger and braver for myself.
What happened is worse, but I need to revive myself and still bring out the best in me myself. I have to redeem myself. This time, I’ll focus more on myself, on being the right person. So when the right one comes at the right time, I am prepared and mature to welcome the love I will share and cherish, the true love I deserve. - Kath