The Horror of the Unforeseen Ghost
from the future creeps into the shadows and remnants of the past torment the present.
Uncertainty is a horror that haunts my whole being. Queries of my future shake me up inside. Whenever a sudden questioning of what-to-do-after-college crosses my mind, my body freezes as voices in my head become louder. It’s quite deafening how my parents and relatives drop this subject matter in a conversation leaving me caught off guard, especially with gazes filled with disappointment knowing that I took a BA Communication course. Though I have plans and ambitions in life, the fear of being a failure and ordinary swipes it all away.
Flashback to when I thought dreams were as easy as getting an A at school or getting a degree at college and that’s it, you’ll have your dream job. Sure, it works for the lucky ones but those who never get the taste of it are doomed for life. A fast forward of remorse and bad decisions from the past strikes my memory once I began to realize how frightening the outside world could be. And to dwell on my thoughts as I think of destiny, patterns, and fortuity became a habit. Is there really a mystery behind the curtains of our fate? Or does mystery solely lie for the sake of present time itself? It occurred to me if everything I am doing in this exact moment will make sense of my future or if there really is such thing as wasting time, for we all undergo in the process of growth and enlightenment. Am I doing things the right way? Is there a right way? Am I doing enough? Or am I holding back so much that I fail to show my full potential?
I guess I will never be satisfied until I unleash the beast in me. But that’s the scary part, you give your best and there will always be a bit of flaw — an imperfection. I also start to wonder if is it really the future to which I am afraid of, or the inability to meet two of the most common societal standards of success — to be rich and known. Perhaps if I had a glimpse of what is coming ahead, all of my problems will be resolved. Or maybe not, maybe there is no other future rather than the real time. One of my coping mechanisms to escape from the negative possibilities of the future holds and the awfulness of reality brings is to create fantasies in my mind. For a short period of time, it does help but I try not to get addicted and consumed by it as it could turn me into an insensitive individual who feels completely detached from her actual surroundings. Despite of the anxiety and panic that the unknown has caused me, I always remind myself to never settle for less no matter what the situation is so I will not end up with regrets like I did before and if things did not work at the first attempt, I try to take advantage of the second chances. At times, these mantras exhaust me because I feel like I’m going nowhere but the burden of unfinished tasks will never leave me at peace.
My fear for a dreadful future has taught me to become more conscious with the decisions and actions I make to the point that I overthink everything, and as the after-college-life approaches, a sense of relief is certainly not existent at the moment. In any path we take, there are many choices but not much opportunities for everyone. There is either an opportunity or a great danger of what awaits us and to things we could not foresee. The vagueness of it may somehow frighten those dubious-type and thrill the ones looking for adventure. However, when we are left with no option, we contemplate and choose between what will we do to achieve our dreams or what will we do to survive. As for me, If I am not to be the person I very much aspire then I don’t know what else should I be.