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It was unknown

I was, yes, an unnoticed girl by a boy so noticeable
by Mariella Ysabel Amatus   |  Oct 11, 2020
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I didn't know why I had such a particular feeling left frustratingly confusing. It made me smile when I saw him smile. It made me laugh when I saw him laugh. It made me cry when I saw him cry. It made me sick when I saw him sick. It made me sad when I saw him sad. It made me happy when I saw him happy. And I wanted to push it away from my system; I wanted it to be unwelcomed in the parts of mine. Because a fact of it feared me and almost lost my sanity - a fact that all I knew about it was that I didn't know what it was. I wanted to initiate a war. I was willing to make several plans, had silent meetings with my body-part colleagues. I was desperate to recruit tons of cell-and-tissue warriors in me, had strategic talks and whispers with them. But I didn't know where to start. I didn't know how to abolish its mission of defeating my normal heart rhythm. I didn't know how to stop its course of seeping through my subconscious. I didn't know how to intervene its journey of absorbing my inner strength. I furiously wanted a war to happen, be a leader of triumph against a feeling so unknown. But the problem was, as always, the fact of it being an unknown. And so, I carried an investigation of my own. I tried to know its history, its background, its information, its data. I tried to comprehend each of its actions when it was triggered by a presence of him being around. I tried to comprehend its strategies when it was activated by a voice of him talking to the crowd. I tried to comprehend its habits when it was powered by a smile of him transmitting the atmosphere of the space. It was the same, over and over again; a guy had always been the life of its existence. I knew it from the start; he had always been the reason of it existing. But I didn't know why it had to appear in me, being unnamed and all. It was frustrating. It was detrimental. And all I had in me were questions left unanswered; it was because of a feeling left unknown. So, I made a decision - to ignore its presence. When I decided to portray ignorance of its anonymity, I was daunted by curiosity for so many years. I was with him - the trigger - in the same spaces for so many years of education. And there it was, the feeling, appearing from the depths of my wholesomeness. It was devastating being in a cycle of its existence. I didn’t know what to do; I was left with nothing but its existence growing, instead of fading, inside me. Ignorance had made me weaker. The feeling was made stronger. Its growth had changed me; it made me a completely different person. It made me eagerly look at him every single time. I made me satisfyingly dream of him every single night. It made me appreciate him. It made me support him. It made me proud of him. I was never such a type of person, but it happened. If ignorance didn’t do any good, then I decided to appreciate its counterpart – to acknowledge its existence. Every class recitation he dealt with, I was there, quietly supporting him. Every exam he answered, I was there, silently guiding him. Every activity he was in, I was there, secretly supporting him. Every school day I had with him, with much acknowledgment to our feet-apart distance, I was secretly praying for him. Despite all of it being unnoticed by him, I didn’t care. I was so happy appreciating this feeling he had triggered in me. I just continued the habit of noticing him intently with much respect to limitations and privacy. I knew I had to do it really good and great, without breaking the rules of morality and dignity. And it was the same each single moment of my attendance in our classes. I was, yes, an unnoticed girl by a boy so noticeable. Though it felt happy doing it, questions, one time, echoed in the caves of my senses: “Sino ba siya sa buhay ko?” “Bakit ko ito ginagawa?” “Okay lang ba ang ginagawa ko?” “Masama ba ‘to?” “Itutuloy ko pa ba?” “Bakit siya?” The questions, then, made me curious. It had left me in the verge of possible answers and thoughts, until I knew what should be done: the feeling should not only be acknowledged; it should also be named. I did every possible thing I had to do. I dealt with different kinds of medium, from internet to people, hoping they would clarify the name I wanted to know, until I knew what was it. Now, I am happy knowing its complete existence. Now, I am happy knowing it is the same feeling that binds people. Now, I am happy knowing it is the same feeling that brings hope. Now, I am happy knowing it is the same feeling that makes up a family. Now, I am happy knowing it is the same feeling that builds friendships. Now, I am happy knowing it is the same feeling that appreciates God. Now, I am happy knowing it is universal. Now, I am happy knowing it is everything. Now, I am happy knowing its name. And I hope someday, those who don’t know what it is, those who ignore what it is, those who deny its existence, will know it. Because it is a majestic feeling. Because it is a powerful feeling. Because it is a feeling everyone should now. I hope you know what it is. I hope the world knows what it is. Because now, I know; it is love.

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