It's all about Hana

[itsmehana]

Hi I’m Hana. I’m just an ordinary girl living in the suburbs, and just like them I dreamed of freedom that I’ve been salivating for most of my teen-age-rebellious life. Hmmm.. I have been battling this issue with my parents for 6 long months now, and ‘till now I still can’t believe that they finally let me do my thing.

Well, as much as I hate rumors spreading in my world, I must admit that I also have my fair share of detractors. I am currently staying with my long-lost-classmate in grade school. Uhm, it’s not really “staying”, for practicality we decided to share the house and share the expenses at the same time.

Yes, my house-mate is a boy. He is a good-looking boy or a good-looking man. His height tells it all as he stands 5 feet 9 inches tall. His height goes well with his skin, fair complexion that is. His hair is trimmed, not rocker-boy long nor private-first-class (army) short hair, but just as simple as a clean-cut type. He has this brown eyes that will melt your heart and take your breath away. And you wouldn’t care less if he’s aware your staring at his lips because those lips are sooo kissable you can’t stop but stare.. He’s got this perfect white teeth and a very gorgeous smile, that you can still notice even if you’re almost as far as a mile.

But even if he sounds as gorgeous as I can describe, I for myself don’t see him as someone whom I will be getting married with. Although, it’s as if he is someone who will always be there whenever you need him.. or should I rephrase that? Uhm.. maybe he is someone that offers you to be yourself without any hesitations or whatever. Someone who’s always ready to listen to your blabbing and non-sense-questions. Someone who do not really care if you’re at the peak of your bad hair days or if you ever waken up to the other side of the bed.

If you don’t know me. You could probably say that I had these BIG thing for him. Hmm.. As much as most people think of me, it hurts to see those bubbles burst but it’s quite a not well-written-fairytale.

[itsmehana]

It could have been that case. I liking him for all the reasons in the world but not really. For these first two chapters.. let me tell you most of the ordinary things going on. Like the average girls, I also went through every hurting moment that a girl can feel. I also had a number of boy-flings and boyfriends.

One day I realize that these boy is checking me out. But it cannot be. We are living in the same roof. No.. we are not relatives of some sort. Nor borders in a bording house. We are not even close to steady-boyfriend-girlfriend thing. So definitely it’s not a live-in situation or a conjugal reason. For one, we decided to share everything there is to share because coincidentally we saw the house at the same date with the previous owner.

We both liked the house. Since the house needs to be sold urgently because the owner is flying to the States, he decided to have a round-table discussion with us. I was really caught off guard when I saw him in the open-house-round table meeting. Of all people, who would ever imagine seeing your not-s0-close-classmate-in-elementary-days in a place like this.

At first, I felt a bit conscious because it’s as if I have to fight for the house that we’ve seen at the same time. For 3 weeks, nobody seems to let go of the house. The owner needs the money, so I tried my best to get all my savings and do some sidelines in order to pay for the down payment. But since I am a fresh graduate and I just had my first job, considering my starting pay is not that sufficient for the needed down payment, I almost lost hope in getting the house.

Well, on the other hand.. this boy came from a wealthy family and has his fair share of savings, etc.. With this, he doesn’t have to go through everything that I’ve tried to do to buy the house. In just a snap, his family can write a check and voile! Here comes the lovable house right in front of his palm.

Suddenly, the owner decided to give us the benefit of the doubt. We really didn’t think it’s possible. But he said that if we want the house, it’s the only way that he can sell it to us. It was a bit unbelievable that we are the only ones whom he want to sell the house with. I for one don’t think that I will be able to fight my dineros with this guy. So, without hearing the conditions that Mr. Owner was about to say, I told them that I wouldn’t be able to compete or save money with a deadline.

But Mr. Owner stopped me from giving up. He asked not-s0-close-classmate-in-elementary-days if we could share the house, share the utilities, and other stuffs. Ok. So the place is fully furnished. The house is a two-story building with 3 rooms, 2 bathrooms, a veranda, a beautiful garden, and a huge high-tech kitchen. Yes. It’s lovely and with how I described it, you’ll think that I am such a dreamer. Ok. I know now. But I really fell in love with the place the moment I set my eyes on them.

YES just the place and not not-s0-close-classmate-in-elementary-days.

[itsmehana]

My mom wouldn’t want me to buy the house. She is my number one antagonist in my daily decisions in life. Dad is like, it’s okay.. blah.. blah.. time for you to become independent and know the value of every money spent in your salary.

Yes, it’s like the ordinary scenario alright. You can say that again. But you haven’t heard the slightest thing of it all. It wasn’t even a preword. What she was glaring about is that my very-big-mouthed-brother told her that I am living-in with not-so-close-classmate-in-elementary-days.

And how I just hate it when my brother told mom about it without even asking me first.

It’s not as if I am getting married. It’s just sharing everything that the house covers, with him. Not sharing the house and him. Uggghh. It’s really difficult when you were raised by a very old-fashioned family. Everything is a big deal. And I hate it.

As soon as my aunt heard of the thing, Auntie interrogated me with questions about not-so-close-classmate-in-elementary-days. Such questions that irritated me most are: “What is his religion?”, “Is he a Catholic?”, “What University was he from?”, “Did he came from a wealthy family?”, “What does his parents’ do?”.

And it really sucked. Seeing my family getting interested with the only person whom I’m seeing with after Brenth. It’s as if they haven’t gotten enough of how we were able to end our relationship. These are the times in which I wish they can sense that I don’t want to spill every thing that happened. Brenth and I are really over. It was a very painful break-up. No matter how these four months had helped me deal with life, still it’s not enough reason to make way for another heart breaking moment. And NO it wouldn’t be not-so-close-classmate-in-elementary-days.

[itsmehana]

Not all not-so-happy-with-her-love-life-girl is desperate to have someone. But sometimes, brothers are SO persistent. Like my best brother in the world = Big-mouthed-brother was so eager to know this new found boy in the roof a.k.a not-so-close-classmate-in-elementary-days.

Talk about brothers.. who always think that they know every kid in the block. My big-mouthed-brother, Hero, won’t give up easily.. I know. He is a tried and tested case of I won’t stop till you say enough type of brother. And just like the girl that I am, as much as I don’t want to tell him and I wouldn’t want my things ransacked in a matter of minutes.. I had no choice but to spill the beans.

Ok. His name is _________. I couldn’t tell yet. Believe me, he is a nice person. Well, I don’t know. Perhaps. Given that he offered to pay ¾ of the dues, and house cost. And no big brother I didn’t. Of Course I didn’t let him pay everything. But who am I kidding right? Where could I possibly get this whole lot of money in a matter of weeks or a couple of months? Okay. So I told him I will pay him little by little. Noooo!!! I wouldn’t pay my debt my using my body! WTH?!? I’m not that low-life average slut.

Okay. I told him that I will help him pay the dues, and I will help in maintaining the house. We already set some rules, and privacy matters. Personalized bathrooms, utensils, stuffs. We also agreed to inform each other when a family member or a friend visits us at the house. Or if there will be a party that must be planned, arrangements and stuffs. And so if the other is going out or something.

Then my brother goes.. “So it’s really as if you’re living in.” Of course not! We just have to set these rules, arrangements, agreements, and stuffs because we don’t want to ruin someone’s day, or mess up with the house, or to step into someone’s privacy. It’s just for the sake of information. To not bypass the other who is also staying in the house.

“Soooo… for the first week, How was he in bed?” WTF? BROTHER??? “No. I mean, how was he as a housemate?” Well, he is a very nice person as I’ve told you. He is a gentleman. As a matter of fact, when his family visited him a couple of weeks ago, his family thought that I was his girlfriend.

“WHOA! Sister you got some shoes to fill!” Nah. He was actually trying his best to explain to his mom and sisters and every body else in the party, that we we’re just classmates in elementary and the rest is history.

“But of course, did they believe him? SERIOUSLY?” Yeah. I hope so. Although I must admit, for a first visit.. I wasn’t able to believe at that moment that they will think of me that way. Well, I know that our situation is really different and difficult. But with how they sincerely treat me, gosh, you should have seen it.

“OKAY. So, what do you expect? HIS family was thinking that you are his girl, and unfortunately HIS FAMILY aren’t convinced with his explanation.” Well, somehow I believe my brother has a point. But what do you think it didn’t crossed my mind? But what is there to panic about? WE don’t have any form of mutual understanding, we’re just friends bound by some house contract with the original owner of the house and that’s it.

“YEAH. I hope that guy wouldn’t treat you worst. And he will not fall or do something crazy. You know very well the reason for every damned seconds why you’re there. This is your freedom….” Yes, this is my freedom and could you just respect it? MY Gosh, for one he is really my brother who sound like my mother or my long lost best friend.

And with so many rubbish questions and small talk, my brother and I decided to end the conversation about my new life. FINALLY.

[itsmehana]

After a long 3 day visit to my family, I called up my not-so-close-classmate-in-elementary-days and informed him that I’m on my way home to the house.

I was like “How are you? How was the family reunion and stuffs? Uhm.. I just called to say that I’m on my way home… or should I say, on my way to the house. …” And before I could start another sentence, he cut me out with…

“I’m doing great. My family didn’t spend so much time longer. I’m sorry about them, I mean about how they thought about us. …” And it was my time to cut him off. I’m running out of prepaid credits and I don’t like the sound of family and “US”.

“Well, I’m just a few blocks away, we can talk about it later.. wait.. don’t you have work today?”

“I have finished the series of projects lined up for the past two weeks. So, they gave me a couple of days to rest and freshen-up.”

“Whoa. Ok, that’s cool. Please open the door for me, I kind of brought a lot of my stuffs from home.”

And with that, he opened the door, offered to help and placed some of my things inside the house. It was quite funny how this set-up is going to take us. Although there are no colors to fill any pictures. There is no “us” and I don’t think there is a chance.

And as I entered the doorstep of my new house, the phone rang and as I picked it up not-so-close-classmate-from-elementary-days’ mom called.

“Oh, good morning Ms. ______.”

“Oh, hi sweetheart. I didn’t know you were home. Is ____ there?”

“Uhm.. yeah, he’s here. Can you hold on for a second? I will just call him.”

“Ok, sweetie.”

As soon as his mom starts to call me such endearments, I tell you I’m creeping out. His mom is cool, he is cool. But nothing is going on between us and this is not right. I feel soooo uncomfortable and so awkward.

I rushed off to where _______ is. Told him that his mom is on the phone. But because he is still busy with some things, I didn’t have any choice but be comfy talking to his mom.

“Hi Mrs. _______. I’m sorry _____ is still busy at the moment. About last time.. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to hang-out with you, my family was so excited to see me and hear about me too. …”

“It’s okay honey. We understand. Please tell _____ that I’ll wait for him.”

“Ok, hold on.”

“So how was your family?”

“Uhm… my family is good. They were talking me to stay a bit longer, but I told them that I still have some workload to do here in the house. …”

“Oh. Poor child. I know this is not the right time to talk about your family. Is _____ taking so long? Since I can wait for him. Do you mind if I keep asking about your family?”

Ow oh. Ok, so before I comply to her inquisitions, I am ready to burst the bubble. His name and his nature of work. YES. Not-so-close-classmate-from-elementary-days.

His name is Arnold. Arnold Ponteverde. Ok now I said it. Phew! He is a graduate of BS Computer Science in a nearby university from mine. It was just about a year since we saw each other and the rest is history.

Now back to Mrs. Ponteverde’s inquisitions. The question is about my family, right?

My mom, Sylvia Clavella, is a doctor and is practicing her profession in different parts of the country. She is very active and dedicated to her profession. Every Medical Mission for her has a story to tell. Since she is an active practicing doctor, she seldom have the privilege for a prepared visit. So, when she is near my place or my brother’s, we see to it that we spend time with her. Such random visits are hard to make up that’s why we cherish it forever. Mom likes going to concerts, which my brother Hero and I love so much. We often watch concerts when she is here or watch movies together, eat in our favorite resto and do some family things..

On the other hand, my dad, Henry Clavella, works as an Overseas Filipino Worker in Canada. Like my mom, he is also a doctor but he decided to take nursing again in order to earn more money for us. He is a very supportive dad like my mom. He is a very righteous father. He is strict but is just right for us. One thing that makes us responsible and strong principled. He is very true to his vows unlike other fathers. My family is very fortunate to have him because mom doesn’t have or didn’t have any problems with their marriage. At least none that I have ever heard of.

Finally, my brother and my best or worst friend in my lifetime, Hero. Hero is my elder brother who, most of the time act as my younger brother in his most stubborn moments. He is born a year before I was born. So we are a bit close. He knows so much about me, even things that I don’t wanna share matters with. So, there is this big deal with Arnold that he really wants to hear and is really deprived of it. He is just a typical brother for me, - meaning: he is a complete fagot at times. Ha! Ha! Ha! We get to be in such a bond because we like most of the same things that the planet can categorize. Music, Lifestyle, name it!! But of course not with fashion sense and stuffs. And I was just kidding about him being gay. He is really straight but is at times effin crazy.

[itsmehana]

Ok. Finally the conversation with his mom was over. Now Arnold and his mom are talking their hearts out. And after somewhat an eternity, Arnold get back to me and fill the room with confirmation.

“I didn’t know that much stuff about you, Hana. It’s crazy. My mom seems to know everything about you and I’m a bit getting jealous of her.”

“What the heck are you talking about Arnold? She just plainly asked me about my family. It’s not as if I already became her BFF.”

“Uhm… you can say that again. Cause at this moment, I’m starting to get a hunch that she is considering you as her bff.”

“What?? Are you crazy?!? It cannot be. Wait. Don’t get me wrong, you’re mom is such a very nice person. I know since I’ve seen her, talked to her and I am talking to her son. But please don’t push it. I guess she just woke up at the right side of the bed or something. She might be just curious with whom you are sharing the house with.”

“Like a background check? My mom isn’t like that. And believe me, I’m his son! I’ve grown to her every whines, scolds and support, etc.. Believe me, she likes you!”

“Like? Me? She likes me? Ok keep going, Arnold. Don’t get too over reacting about our conversation. It’s just a one time talk. Get over it!”

“No! It’s a 45 minutes talk with my mom. Neither of my girlfriends had that record! And it was soooo awesome! If I confirmed that she likes you that much we’re going to have a new set of rules!”

“What rules? Geezzz.. Get over it Arnold. Your mom is a typical mom, just like my mom. [Oh. I wish I didn’t put it that way.] She is just excited to hear from someone your age. And it just matters quite a bit because we’re sharing this house.”

“I have sisters. I have friends who happen to be girls. Alright she happen to like Andrea. But Andrea will never come back. She is in Norway. And she is just a friend.”

“What are you thinking? I am also JUST A FRIEND! What happened to you? I am not your girl friend! Wake up! It’s lunch time!!!”

The argument ended abruptly as I head to my workplace. Yes, wickedly.. I left him in the living room. He is very hyper and it creeps me, because for over 4 months or so.. it didn’t occur to me that these things are going to happen.

[itsmehana]

This time my brother was at the other end of the line, he was listening to my recent encounter with Arnold. And yes, I already told him Arnold’s name. Good thing they weren’t friends. Although he knows him. Still it gives me some air to breathe.

Unbelievably, my brother is calm. Was it because he knows Arnold?

“I told you his mom and every body else likes you. The guy wants to rearrange some rules, and you better be prepared.” But I’m not. There’s no way that I’m going to give it a shot. Besides, I don’t want to complicate things.

“Can you control it? After these, according to you, AMAZEMENT? If his mom like our mom gets that amazed and eventually HE became her new Best friend Forever, would you control it? Could you??” I don’t know but I certainly don’t wanna go through it. Mom like dad is a very hard nut to crack. Besides, she like me wouldn’t consider this as an option or something. We know very well that I seek freedom with every effort and you know quite frankly how I tried to emphasize that on our family. Lastly, I don’t want to lose their trust, even your trust.

And I really want to defend myself in this. When I talked to his mom, I never intended anything of this. NEVER! And it wasn’t as if I dreamt of this thing. Perhaps, she – his mom, thinks that I am something whom I’m not. I was just being nice. And I thought I was just doing the right thing. But now, I don’t know. It’s just four months. Arnold and I are never gonna be a couple after 4 months. Besides, it’s not just him who should set rules! I live in the house too. I get to pay the house with so little that I can. I know I have to relay this to him.

“HEY. It’s not as if you’re going to do it purposely. Besides haven’t you thought about these? The very possibility of moving on from Brenth.” Oh Brother. Give me a break. Let’s not start with Brenth. It’s over. And Arnold and I, our relationship? It’s never gonna be like that. HECK. We don’t even have a relationship to start with. We’re just friends. And I don’t want to live a lie.

“I told you, you’ve got a huge shoes to fill.”

[itsmehana]

Yes. I do have some shoes to fill. I know and I wasn’t able to set my own rules. I wasn’t able to get my thought over his thought. Cause just like any other day after getting hyped with his mom liking me.. Arnold seems to be more excited than ever.

He goes:

“Let’s put it this way. This is the first time that mom actually liked a girl whom I introduced to the family..” BUT I am not you’re girl.

“The fact that we are together in a house, doesn’t make her believe whatever I told her.” Then let’s show her the contract.

“And she was really excited about you. About us.” But there wasn’t any US.

“It’s not as if we’re getting married.” But it seems like it. You’re mom is thinking that we are living in. And what freaks me out is that she’s very cool with it. She is a cool mom. And you’re family is very cool too. [ Maybe that’s why you are cool. ] But everything must put into an end.

“As early as now..” As early as now we should stop this foolishness your leading me into. This is crazy. Both of us could get hurt. I could get hurt. Again. And I don’t like the sound of it. I don’t wanna fall for you. We are good as friends and hearing you anymore of this is hurting my ears.

“Mom likes you. For all the girls that I’ve ever tried to introduce to her, you are the only one who passed her taste.” Hold on. You didn’t introduce me to your family for that purpose. If I only knew about this consequence I shouldn’t have done this favor. Then probably I’m out of this mess. Or probably if I didn’t really like this house, we wouldn’t end up with this argument.

“What I’m just trying to tell you is that, I wanna keep up with my family. They want you, they like you.” But they don’t like me. Besides, we are not getting into this argument because it’s not fair for us. Most especially for me. SO WHAT if they like me? We don’t have any relationship to stand up for. Can’t you see the point? I’m not your girlfriend. We can never be in that kind of set-up. Okay?

Besides, I don’t want to be your girlfriend because of your family. I don’t like the idea that because they like me, you should like me too when you don’t. I don’t want to pretend that we have this thing going on when we are not even close to feeling something for each other. We can’t go on with this because it’s wrong.

“But can you just listen to me for a while?” What?

“We’re just going to do my set of rules when they are here…” Uhmm.. are you saying that they are going to be randomly and often here?!? Well, there’s nothing so wrong about that [ considering that you pay more than I do ] but, with your rules I’m creeping out.

On one side, these are just YOUR rules. How about mine? Am I going to follow your plot until they find out that we’re faking these, .. whatever, uhm… Ok. Fake relatonship. I don’t even have the stand.

“Because you wouldn’t like my idea.” That’s because it’s unfair. Things will be different. And I still want the previous contract to go on. With our own privacy and all.

“Ok. I’m sorry, Hana. I’m really sorry. Please consider this as a favor.” Favor? What a favor! C’mon spill it before I get tired of listening to you.

“Mom is fond of watching TV Series.” So?

“I would like to suggest that we show affection when they are around. Somewhat like we are getting in love with each other.” Fock. You’re not saying those words. It screeches my ear. Show Affection? Are you crazy?

I know that we’ve been classmates in elementary, but that doesn’t give you a passage ticket to touching me or kissing me. Eeeeewwwww. No! Bad Suggestion!

Besides your family knows everything about you. Your set of girlfriends, how you easily get tired of them, etc. And you know the perfect touch for these obvious fakeness? THEY know, we are not an item. Haven’t you forgotten how I denied about whatever we have?

“No. I haven’t forgotten any single thing.” Then what’s making you so fueled up? We’ll just make things worst. We cannot pretend forever.

“I told you they don’t believe us. I told you they like you enough to laugh about what you’ve said. They’ll think that you were just fooling around. Probably because you’re shy or scared of how they will react.” WHAT the… Are you listening to your freaking voice? We cannot act this out all together! I don’t wanna hurt your family. I don’t wanna hurt you, and of course.. I wouldn’t wanna go through everything again! NO!

“So this is all about you after all. You’re scared.. You’re scared to fall for me.” Eeeewww! The GUTS! You’re totally gross. I am not! I am not scared. I.. I… just cannot go through living such lie!

Besides, my family don’t approve of these decision. These.. living in a house with you. It sounds awkward though. And what really makes them uncomfortable is that we are in the same house and anything can happen.

“You can do better. You know what to do. You know me. And you can do better excuse than that. It’s ok. You can tell me what’s bothering you.” No. I still don’t know you that well. A lot has changed. We’re not even close when we were classmates. And these abrupt change that makes us sticking up together is this house.

I’m sorry but I really don’t approve of doing these things for you. Like I don’t want to go through your plan with regards to your family. I’d rather be civil. Good night Arnold.

[itsmehana]

When my brother called me up the day after the argument, then was the time that I told him about how things are doing.

Everything is getting worst. He really wants his plan to push through but I cannot handle it.

“That’s because you’re scared of everything.” You cannot blame me on that. I had my reasonable share of everything.

“But I think he likes you.” Likes me! Wake up! He don’t. He’s just doing these things for his mom. He was just paranoid that his mom finally approved someone he likes. But we are not in that set-up. We are not in any way in the process of liking each other. We’re just friends, for Pete’s sake.

“I told you.. he wouldn’t just do that or decide or plan to do such things if he himself doesn’t have a thing for you.” Stop that crap. We are never gonna be like that. He doesn’t think of me that way. He’s just plain.. stupid! Pffffftttt.. this is stressing me out. I wanna go out. Go elsewhere and forget about what happened.

“And where do you plan to go? You cannot just go! You have work. You don’t have enough resources to pay the house and with that you cannot just walk away from these things.” Then I’ll barge in your place.

“No! You cannot do that. I also have some things going on here. And I can handle this situation more than you do. Besides, you have separate lives, separate rooms, separate… just do your things on your own.” Ok. It’s clear. You don’t want me in your place. Then I’ll kill myself in my nest. Aaargh!

“What’s so difficult with doing things on your own? Don’t tell me you were sharing moments together in that house? That you are eating together, watching TV/DVD together.. bonding together?!?”

I decided to get myself enough silence. My brother is killing me, much more than I want to kill myself before I hang-up the phone. He was really getting into every detail of what’s happening in the house.

“No kidding? You are really doing stuffs together! My my.. Maybe that’s the reason why his mom likes you. Maybe that’s the reason why he is hyped-up in telling you his plans. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why he likes you to be involve in his plans. Because somehow, perhaps you’re doing magical things to him!” Is this my brother? Well, I haven’t ever heard you speak of magical things when we were at home. I never thought that you have such idea when it comes to these things.

“Hey, don’t switch the topic on me. This is not about me. This is about you. He likes you. And your silence confirmed that it’s true. It’s possible that anytime now you’re gonna be in the same page and both of you don’t have to pretend anymore. .. Well, that’s if he will make an effort in pretending he likes you…” Stop it! It’s never gonna be that way! I.. I really didn’t imagine that these things are possible. It could also be wrong. Whatever your theories are will just be theories and I don’t wanna go through proving any of it.

Staying with him in one house is wrong. What’s keeping these things so wrong is that I never thought of these coming. I shook myself. I don’t wanna give in to my brother’s theories. No. what I mean by that is it’s wrong to keep the bait. We are just friends. And nothing more.

“I told you it’s gonna happen. His parents aren’t convinced you are not into each other, and with him liking you.” Don’t push it. Okay. So you’re right. I believe you now. But please don’t push it.

“I just want to remind you, my dear little Hana.. always think of you’re reason for being there. If any of our parents found out about these.. you won’t be getting any paybacks from the owner of that house you’re living in, and probably you will be having your worst nightmare with mom.” Okay. Thanks brother. Sincerely? I forgot about everything. I forgot about my purpose. And I can’t believe I’m captivated by his rules. Aaaarrrgh!

[itsmehana]

I am just Hana. Purely Hana. What did I do? Why did we end up doing these? We are eating alone. We are not talking. And he was coming home (our shared house) late for two days already.

Sorry for sounding like a wife. But I can’t take this. It’s true. We are most of the time doing things together. I think I got used to his calls when he is going out or coming home. But it has been days since we argued, and from that day on.. things has changed.

I miss him so much. It’s as if I cannot go on doing normal things in this house without him. Without being okay with him. It’s like I cannot breathe.

It is pass 3 am. He just came home from work and is now using the untouched key. He used the key to enter the house. It was the key that the original owner of the house gave each of us. He prefer to use the key after having the argument with me so that we won’t be having any contact. Because ever since we moved in, we got the hang of opening the door for each other. Waiting for each other to come home or leave the house together.

But it seems that I’ve been waiting for him in the living room. I didn’t notice the time and I had slept in the couch. He woke me up. Yes, for the first time after 5 days. We were able to talk again. Well not really talk but at least we had the physical contact back.

He was shaking me, but I was more sleepy than able to walk or talk. I was still groggy. I passed out again in his arms as he carried me in my room. He tucked me to bed. And utter some words I wasn’t able to decipher because of sleepiness.

The morning I woke up, I was shocked to see myself sleeping in my bed. I somehow knew that I had slept in the couch the night before because my sixth pillow was lying in the farthest side of the couch. Then I noticed that Arnold’s things are placed in the corner of the table, quite not arranged in his own typical manner of arranging his things.

As if in dejavu, I remembered the way he shook me and carried me towards my bed. I bet he’s still asleep. It’s a Sunday morning. His things are a bit in a mess. I get to see some of his work and I suddenly felt guilty for judging his coming home late. I guess these project keeps him over time and he was working with these difficult-to-understand-program for hours. Too bad, I thought his coming home late was because he was having a good time with friends or coming back to his old routine.

I gathered my courage to peep into his room. He was still asleep. Because of what he did to me last night, I decided to wave the white flags for him. At 6:15 am, I decided I’ll thank him by making him or making us some breakfast.

He woke up as soon as the food was cooked and prepared. I decided to talk him through it, apologized for being stubborn and narrow minded, and asked him if we can keep up with the lost time.

We started this through going to church together. We plan to give ourselves a full blast day-off of our busy schedule. We went home after going to the grocery together. We watched our favorite racing, wrestling sports. It was also a well day spent. It took us the entire rainy afternoon to relax and watch some TV series and DVDs.

Finally, I agreed to his proposal. I am going to risk whatever, just to make sure I won’t lose my new found BFF.

[itsmehana]

But it’s a risk not worth taking. I suddenly woke up to a dream before I sleep. I forgot that he also have a life to live by. And unfortunately, I am not part of that life. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I’m just the last resort. I’m just the last option. The scapegoat. HIS scapegoat. And it hurts. How things suddenly collapse before it was built.

One of the happiest moment I ever had with him was a couple of weeks ago. When his mom visited us again. US because it wasn’t only Arnold whom she intend to share her stories with. And with every visit she make, it was really as surprising as her surprise visit.

A couple of weeks ago, as she spent lunch with Arnold and I, something came up that I really wasn’t expecting. Arnold like her mother was so excited to share stories together. His mom was eager to talk to me. Only to find out that Arnold told her ALMOST everything he knows about me.

His mom, who was also a writer told me her stories about being the editorial assistant of Preppy Magazine. She was encouraging me to follow her steps, like her daughters. I appreciate the thought, but I am happy working with the company that I have now.

While we are talking about our experiences in the field, Arnold suddenly sat beside me and placed his right arm in my waist. THAT didn’t escape his mom’s eyes. I know, this is a part of the favor and I’m following his lead. But I am really uncomfortable with it so I didn’t react. I acted as if it was nothing. His mom was looking at him, and Arnold is staring at me. His eyes are telling me to “do something”. I answered his stares with “I am working on it” as I stared him back.

As if on cue, we smiled to his mom in unison. I grab his hand – the one resting on my waist- and held it as if we are really into something. Suddenly he began speaking. As he speak my nervousness was starting to build up and at that moment, I thought my tongue was tied. True enough, he began to do weird stuffs. Say weird stuffs. And he clearly told his mom that he is starting to like me.

Whoa! This is something. And I feel like quitting. Because his mom liking me doesn’t give him the credit to use it for me. Rar! He is really a liar! He is starting to use me. And now he is telling his mom that he likes me or starting to like me. I know this is a part of the act. But I can’t hold it anymore.

So I stood up and told his mom that we are far from liking each other. He pierced me with his stares. And he was trying to make his mom believe him. But I am close to breaking down, until the weird thing happened. He took his last card and his last chance. He proposed to me in front of his mom. And as he pulled his act altogether, his sisters and his dad and so with everybody else came in and witnessed the fake proposal.

I wasn’t able to say the word. Because he kissed me in front of his family. Yes. He kissed me in the lips then embraced me. His mom started to cry out of happiness, his sisters was as shocked as I was but managed to clap their hands. And his father and his nephews and nieces are cheering for what they saw.

Yes, it seemed like the movies. Only it was not. He left me with no choice. Everybody was eager and had fallen to the pit. Even I almost fell on that one, but then..

[itsmehana]

I noticed something and it came up quite unexpectedly. I cannot believe it but through my senses, I confirmed that it was true. We were playing the game all along, I, believing that I could probably be the girl whom he likes, wants, and loves. But I saw it with my two eyes, heard it from the mouth that used to kiss me, and felt every stabbing pain.

I was walking home feeling so energized after a week of endless bliss. He was showing me much affection even if his family wasn’t around. I almost fell in the pit because it was just an act that he was trying to master. He was just putting oil to the engine so that it could run in a sleek manner. And his actions were the oil and I was the engine that suffers from the plan.

What made me speak into this language was when I saw him with a girl. It wasn’t pure jealousy for I somewhat know where I stand. But I cannot convince myself that I am his original. The girl was quite as ordinary compared to the girls he used to describe on me. But I cannot fight the scene that I have witnessed. He told her he love her and the girl blushed and told him she love him too. They kissed and they embraced each other more than a minute or two.

I cannot believe myself feeling this stabs linger in me. I should have known better because I already heard this familiar story. In fact, he was so proud to tell me such stories himself and before I really don’t give a damn.

But tonight is just not like any other night. Funny how I keep on denying these feelings I had for 11 months of being with him in this house. This house used to be my own scapegoat from my family’s stressing implications on my teen-age rebellious life. But now, like this house, I have been Arnold’s scapegoat with all the natural and ordinary things that happen in his life.

He wasn’t changing and he never promised anything to me. Still, I have to continue playing the role of his girlfriend when I never was any thing close to that.

Why can’t I be the one? What’s so wrong with me that he cannot handle? What is so wrong with me that he would rather choose me to pretend to be his girlfriend when I’m not? Why can’t we stop fooling his family and go on to our separate lives? Why am I still sticking up on him even if I know the truth? And the truth still stabs me.

[itsmehana]

Hey, listen. I know that you’re quite tired after working for hours and doing your stuffs.. but I think we need to talk.

“Hana, it’s 2:50 in the morning. I guess we better sleep more than talk. Besides, there are few days to go and we can talk about it on weekends. Just not now Sarah. I mean.. Hana.”

So.. she was Sarah. What a chick flick.

No I think we should talk about it now. I.. I.. I cannot put myself altogether but I’m doing my thing with the greatest effort that I can exert. I think we should stop fooling your family.

“What?” I think it’s best if we forget about the plan.

“What are you talking about? My mom is really fond of you and so with my sisters, my dad and everybody else…” That’s it! I am putting an end to these because there are a lot of people involved already. And.. and I don’t want to engrave much pain on them than I do.

“What are you talking about Hana? They wouldn’t know. It’s clear. We’ve already talk about this, and we …” No. Arnold I think everything has got to have an end. We cannot go on acting something we are not. Besides I think it’s better if we try to break this to your family as early as now. Please, don’t keep their hopes up for nothing.

“And what do you know, Hana? What is bothering you all along that makes you this bothered to open up at pass two o’clock in the morning?”

I saw you. I saw you with… I saw you with her.

“Who Hana? Who did you saw me with? And why are you acting this strange?”

I saw you with your girl. I saw you with Sarah. I didn’t mean to. [ As I was trying my best to crack the story to him, I wasn’t aware that I was shaking and crying while blabbing what I saw. ] But I cannot stop myself from staring. I mean.. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop as I watch you two. I was just trying to confirm if it’s you whom I saw. And as I confirmed, the words kept floating in the air and the stabs are getting deeper.

“What are you talking about, Hana? Why are you getting hurt? When you know that what we are doing for my family is just nothing. It should be nothing to us. It should be nothing to you when they are not here, like it’s nothing to me when they aren’t here.”

I.. I don’t know. I actually don’t know why. Why I’m getting hurt, Why now it means something when it shouldn’t be, and why am I affected when I heard it straight from you that everything was nothing. That those were just acts pulled together to come up with a scene to your family.

And perhaps that’s the reason why I want everything to stop. Because you’re not only fooling your family. And as the play continues every act is hard to separate from reality. I hate to break this words for you to hear at 3 o’clock in the morning, but my heart beats for you. And as much as I want to stop myself from feeling this, I cannot because this are voluntary actions.

As much as I heard those harsh words, apart from witnessing everything there is to witness. I guess, it’s better if we stop playing these roles and move on to our separate lives. I cannot act for you anymore. I am not sorry, I wish you are but even if you are, you cannot change my heart nor my mind. Good night Arnold.

[itsmehana]

I know it was harsh. I, confessing to the guy I like. I, seriously pouring my heart out to what the situation calls for. I, breaking down to the person I am sharing this house with. But I think it was the best that I can do.

As my brother reminded me of what my purpose is, I think it was just right that I robbed myself everything that I could have. Freedom, independence, life. Those are the things that I was screaming my lungs out to my family ever since I became intrigued to the word “independent”.

And being here, in this house was an achievement. Because I started living my own life as soon as I moved in here. However, sharing this house with someone not even close to being my friend is different. More likely, considering him as someone that I could be referring to as more than a friend was overboard.

As days go by, my feelings for him grow fonder and I wasn’t aware of that until my brother started telling me the signs. I knew that I should agree with him but I denied every bits and pieces because I was so afraid to get into something like this. Something like a relationship that I was so scared to walk on.

I dared to believe that I can live without such feeling. That I could be a living individual without the nurture and affection of the opposite sex. I dared to believe that I could do things and explore life and its meaning without the interference of someone. I dared myself to enjoy the mature understanding of being single and not looking. To go beyond what common people with relationships experience. I yearn for freedom and I got it.

What really sucks the most is that a certain guy from my past, ironically not even a boyfriend, was here to share these new found life that I was about to explore. A new me that envisions another world without any trace from where I belong. And here he goes, as I venture to another beginning:

The first 4 months was a taste of peace, freedom and tranquility. Until I met his mother and then he came up with the conclusion that his mom and I can bond [ and I could be another of his girlfriends. ] It was a pretentious thought that I really wanted to avoid but eventually [ commits in order to keep his presence from making my world revolving. ]

I am guilty as charged. I knew from the start that he has a collection of girlfriends and I was really aware of his silver tongue and capabilities. I know and I was the one to blame because I made myself into this huge mess. I almost have fallen in love with someone who was so wrong but looks so right. I almost agreed to a fake relationship that doesn’t really matter to him. A relationship that will just benefit him and hurt me in the process of the act.

As I am still battling this denial stage I’m in, I realize that this is the right time to move on. I should be taking my time to collect the pieces, gather it and put it back together. This is just the beginning, I shall forget about the bad things that happened or rather, I should make it as an inspiration to be better, stronger and wiser.

[itsmehana]

I guess I was wrong. I guess I shouldn’t put up a fight like that. Nothing is stopping me nor changing my mind. But I can’t just do these things as if it’s so natural. Every time I try to do my own stuffs, I just can’t put myself together and not think of him. To not think of him and what he is doing in his own workplace. Doing things alone like eating, laughing to some TV series that we used to love watching, going to the groceries and other stuffs.

I guess all my heart can say is that.. it’s hollow without him. My happy place isn’t as happy and as normal as it is. The usual noise that I usually get annoyed to was gone, and it was like some thing’s missing. And true to that word.. I guess, I miss him.

Five more days, and it was like forever. He was trying to talk to me. There were times that he forgot that we are not in speaking terms, and he just talks to me randomly as if every thing’s good. It was hard. It was hard to ignore him, as if he was just someone talking in the commercial in the TV. And it’s torturing me, because I know deep inside me that I miss him and I want to speak to him so much.

I miss being with him. Talking to him about random stuffs, work, family, us. The very nature of one common ground, the friendship that has been taking us to miles of never feeling boredom as time flies.

It kills me to feel this torture I am in. I know that I am in a bad shape. It feels like I’ve been to many wars and suicides, but when I calmed down and thought about these things over.. then I realize that I had my own biases. My selfishness had led me to hate him and had made me make the wrong decisions. I am not happy because I took things my way. This isn’t about us, this is just about me.