The issue has been there since no one could ever remember. It has triggered millions of people, especially women and teenagers, all over the world, whatever race or religion or even status in the society.
I've been acquainted with this issue few times before especially when i entered high school, i was getting big, most of the people got superficial, i was getting conscious, only that i dint want to show it. I've read several articles about them but most of them were negative write-ups, so then it was all bad.. but then again things start to change when i got a glimpse of what it is to be Bulimic, Anorexic and to have an Eating Disorder.
First of all i would like to clear things up -I Don't Have An Eating Disorder (so none of you should be alarmed). This journal contains things I have learned, seen and my reflections after i visited some "Pro-Ana/Mia/Ed" sites. I'd be posting a link at the bottom of this article if you want to try to visit them. But i encourage you not to, if you don't have an open mind about weight and the issues that circulates them.
I'm obese, for those who have seen me, I've grown too much in terms of width. In my family, it wasn't abnormal, most of my brothers and even my father then was huge. I am a lover of good food. Almost everyone in my family cooked really well and of course ate alot as well. I remember people telling me to slim down while still young, i was 12 then but id always reply "I'm happy with my weight". Weight wasn't an issue for me till i was going on junior year, some girls were dating, guys would hang out by the mall beside our school to hang out with some of my classmates, people hooked up and pretty and sexier girls were admired and got more attention. I was always left behind the pack when it came to being attractive. Still it wasn't an issue for me since i was part of the "cool" crowd and people liked me for being i guess "likable", "talkative", "fun to be with" and "easy to hang out with". But secretly i was wondering why i kept on altering my uniform every year because i became bigger and bigger every time. I dreaded clinic check-ups the nurse would always give me that face, then i knew i got bigger again. It dint bother that much but i knew deep inside i wanted to get out of being fat.
Gym, Diet, Exercise blah blah blah.. I have given them a thought, tried them but it seems like i don't have enough determination or self-control. I would always end up disappointing myself and end up eating. I don't know why each time i lose a pound or two and people would start to say that i got thinner, id always end up eating again and gain twice than what i lost. It gets me frustrated being not able to wear clothes that i like, buy pants in the womens department and be able to eat what i want and not gain weight like my other friends. I get frustrated because i cant lose weight! I get irritated and annoyed by the fact that even if i have this funny-happy-go-lucky-sunny-bubbly personality, these things cant give me the ability to fit in to a size Small, or even Medium.
I don't want to wait, maybe this is the reason why i can't stand long time sacrifices and working hard for my weight. Well that is another story.
I admit when i eat I'm happy, i feel happy, but its so ironic that after iv checked myself on the weighing scale and i discovered that I'm still 2++ in weight, i immediately feel and need the urge to trim down, then next time a platter of scrumptous food gets served at the dining table, or a new restaurant is opened and they say the food there is great, i forget that urge and start eating again. Yes, it may sound as if i am an emotional eater but i think there's more to that. More.
Once i found myself placing a finger on my mouth and tried to puke but unlike other people, i don't puke that fast. Iv been wasted and drunk alot of times but never will you see me puke. I don't puke that easily, this is a problem. Although i knew where i was heading to, being bulimic, i knew at the back of my head, it was bad and it had nasty effects, so then i stopped and enjoyed eating.
I can never be anorexic, i loved food so much. I knew alot of people haven't had a meal in a week, or other people starve to death. Why would i hate food? Or even deny myself one? I think il never have the guts to resist food, its grace.
I admire people like my friend swan,cris,kaisha and boom. They lost weight, got happy. I'm still here, stuck with my body fats that i make jokes of calling them love handles and other cute stuff. I want to be free - finally.
When i visited the sites that i was talking to awhile ago, i was confused why they were asking people to stop the discrimination against Pro-ED/MIA/ANA. Some say its their choice of lifestyle, but as i see images and videos of what they call "perfect" i only see frail and fragile bodies, and i see no more beauty in them. They have this "Thinpirations" page that shows pictures of supermodels and actresses such as angelina jolie, audrey hepburn and lots more. In these pictures i see celebrities who we don't even know if they are truly happy, even with a figure to die for. I've seen and read poetry and artworks for people who are Pro-ana/ed/mia, iv seen and read good ones and started to think.
What is good about these sites is they don't advertise their lifestyle, they even warn you before you start to browse their site. They are just there to share sentiments to their fellow bulimics,anorexics and people with EDs.
Right now these sites are over news, in oprah and in insider. It has triggered opinions and criticisms. That paved my curiosity to check out these sites. Some of them have gone offline/hiatus or disappeared, some them still exists and are asking for more support.
For me i have nothing against these sites . I believe that these people no matter how sick we think they are made a choice and stood by it. No matter how people can be so cruel to the issue or to the people who are part of the issue, still it wont change a thing. These people have minds of their own, they can have a choice to recover or stay that way. Its like AIDS, instead of criticizing them, we should understand them, especially to those who haven't been there.You know its a whole new ball game when your just watching the game from actually playing it.
As for me, I'm not doing it. I wont succumb to what society says is perfect. I mean we all have imperfections and I'm not saying this because of "beauty inside is the best" bullshit and crap. What I'm saying is my choice, my decision and id do my best to stand for it. As to my weight issue and everything, i need f*ckn prayers man, i know I'm weak and i need something strong to hold on to. Someday i know il muster up the courage to start running and eating healthier food. I'm getting older you know, id be getting weaker bones and get tired twice than before and id be prone to diseases. But if my 4 friends were able to do it, maybe i can, no let me rephrase that, Yes i can.
I'm not afraid anymore. Its reality, this is reality and if i keep on running away from it and go on pretending, id wake up one day in a pool of horseshit. Guys just start loving your body. may it be to the bones or fatter. Just remember to be healthy.
Go ahead and explore the secrets and underground of the unknown.
http://www.plagueangel.net/grotto/id5.html
