♪ A Man's First Love ♪
.3
11:03 pm.
Mabilis kong pinapatakbo ang aking sasakyan, umaasang sa paraang ito’y matatakasan ko ang mundo sa kasalukuyan. Baka sakaling, paghinto nito’y makabalik na ako sa nakaraan.
Nang sa gayun ay bumalik na ang lahat sa dati.
Hindi ko namalayang, tumutulo na pala ang mga luha sa’king mga mata.
Ilang taon na ang nakalipas mula nung huli kong naibuhos ang aking luha. Ipinangako kong hindi na ako iiyak pa sa harap ng mga tao. Magiging matapang at mamumuhay sa isang mundong puno ng kasinungalingan. Buong akala ko’y magiging maayos ang lahat kung magkukunwari ako..
Pero hindi eh.
Mas masakit palang takasan ang sakit...…lalo na kung pilit kang binabalikan nito
.
Pitong taon nang nakalipas nang marinig ko ang matamis na oo niya. Yun na siguro ang isa sa pinakamasayang araw sa buhay ko.
Kaibigan ko kasi siya. Buong akala ko, hanggang dun na lang kami. Napakalayo naman kasi ng agwat naming kung ang ugali ang pag-uusapan. Nakakapagtaka ngang naging magkaibigan pa kami. If you actually get to know her, you’ld probably say that you’ve met an angel here on Earth. She’s sweet. She’s friendly. Most of all, she loves helping people. At ako naman, isang malaking opposite. I’m the rude boy. The one who doesn’t talk in the crowd especially to girls. I’m not the sweet type and I’m actually shy. I’m not showy. I even used to wear this poker face everytime. For the win, I hate helping people.
Pero eventually, it all changed because of this one girl.
From the very start when I first saw her, I knew she was the one. Pero, I held back my feelings. We were different. Anghel siya. Sino ba naman ako para mapansin niya, diba?
But then, she proved to me that I’m no different from anyone. Pinahalagahan niya ako. That was the reason I stood up. I took the chance. I courted her. At ang pinakamahalaga, I changed for her.
Mahirap yun. Siyempre nahirapan ako pero dahil sa kanya, pilit kong kinaya yun. Mahal ko na kasi siya.
Hanggang sa, minahal na rin niya ako.
I was very happy, then. Wala na nga akong mahihiling pa nung mga panahon na yun. Kung meron man, iyon ay sana hindi na matapos ang aming pagmamahalan.
Pero, ba’t hindi nakinig ang langit?
11:42 pm.
I suddenly stop the car in front of an uphill where a huge Evergreen Tree sits on top. I look at it remembering how it still looks the same as when I last visited it. And again, memories keep flashing on my mind as I start to walk through the grassy path.
It really pains me to remember those memories.. Those memories that I wish never existed.
Two years after we’ve been together, things changed. Kung noon prinsesa ko siya kung ituring, unti-unti nang nagbabago ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya. Alam kong nararamdaman niya yun pero she remained silent. MahaI ko pa naman siya but I started to act cold to her. Ewan ko ba. Siguro dahil at that time, naisip kong kahit pagbali-baliktarin man ang mundo, hindi kami nababagay sa isa’t isa. So I decided to break it off between us.
I could still remember that very day when I asked her to break up with me. Sinabi ko sa kanyang maling tao ang minahal niya. Pero, she held me tightly. Umiyak siya sa harap ko. Alam kong nasaktan ko siya pero naging heartless pa rin ako. Sinubukan kong bumitaw pero bigla siyang nanghina. Nahirapan siyang huminga and the words she uttered before she fainted was ‘I love you.’ At that time, narealize ko na hindi ko nga pala talaga siya kayang iwan. Mahal ko pa rin siya.
Pero sadyang napakamapaglaro ng tadhana.
Agad ko siyang dinala sa hospital. I thought it was just stress and everything will be fine when she wakes up but then, nakilala ko ang doctor niya. That doctor told me Clarisse has Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. Her heart starts to become unstable and there are chances that she may die any moment.
Nung mga panahon na yun, hindi ko malaman kung anong gagawin ko. Parang gumuho ang lahat sa paligid ko. Parang sasabog ang utak ko sa kakaisip.
Bakit di niya sinabi?
Bakit di ko alam?
Bakit di ko napansing naghihirap siya?
11:49 pm
I sit under the Evergreen tree and rest my head on its trunk. I open my eyes and see the stars glimmering above the night sky. The cool gush of wind blows hard into my face. But to me, it still feels warm.
It feels as though I’m closer to her.
As if, she's here beside me.
“Clarisse, andito na ulit ako.”
I whispered.
I remembered again the feelings I’ve felt, then. It was Anger, Guilt and Sadness. That time, hindi ako naniwala sa pinagsasabi ng doctor niya. She’s just 24. Baka nagkamali lang siya. I demanded him to recheck it but he showed me proofs. He said Clarisse had been her patient for almost 5 years already pero tanging siya lang at ang pamilya niya ang nakakaalam sa karamdaman niya. Gusto kasi ni Clarisse na mamuhay ng normal, ng walang pag-aalala until the time comes. He told me to be strong for her especially that Clarisse was in a very vulnerable state. Extreme emotions stress her heart and her condition was getting worse.
Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang gagawin ko.
Ang dami kong kasalanan kay Clarisse.
Ang dami kong pagkukulang.
Ang laki kong t*nga!
Medical student pa man din ako, pero wala..
Wala akong nagawa!
Higit sa lahat,
Anong klaseng boyfriend ako..
para saktan ang girlfriend ko..
Sa panahong kailangan niya ako?
Pero, nung humarap ako kay Clarisse, pinatawad niya agad ako. Dun ko sinimulang sisihin ang sarili ko. So, I promised to her that I’ld do anything.. everything to make her smile each day.
I cared for her.
I gave her strength.
I never left her side.
I even continued Medicine and focused on Cardiology, baka sakaling mapagaling ko siya. Pero, hindi eh.
Hindi pa rin pala sapat yun.
Talo pa rin pala ako.
Haaaaaaay..
Heto na naman ako. Every year na lang. On the same day, on the same time. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin mawala ang sakit. Pa’no nga ba mawawala ang sakit kung ginawa mo na ang lahat para sa mahal mo? And yet, kinuha pa rin siya sa’yo? At ang mas masakit pa.. sa mismong araw pa ng Anniversary niyo.
That night, I celebrated our fourth anniversary inside her room. Pinilit kong maging masaya kahit na sa paningin ko, hirap na hirap na siya kahit na mahimbing lang siyang natutulog. I was singing her favorite love song that night. I wish she was listening to it.
Pero I didn't know that would be the last time for me to sing for her. God took her from me that very same night. When I saw Clarisse breathe her last, kasama niyang nawala ang puso ko. Gumuho ang mundo ko. Nawalan ng saysay ang buhay ko.
Wala na ang aking anghel.
Wala na ang babaeng mahal ko.
Ano pang karapatan kong maging masaya?♪ But I know this so well,
That there’s no “Again” in love.
Why can’t I see when I’m in love?
Why am I regretting the loss? ♪
Kaya mula noon,
hindi na ako nagmahal muli.
12:00 mn
9th of May.
I check on my watch and look down as I feel the tears roll down my eyes. I couldn’t help it. It really hurts to remember. The pain really kills that I could almost explode any minute now so I stand up. I smell the Pink Tulips so that I could remember her once again.
“Happy 7th Anniversary, Clarisse…”
I whispered into the air as I place her favorite Pink Tulips beside her tombstone.
I would never learn.
Tanggap ko na.
Patuloy akong babalik dito.
Patuloy akong magsisinungaling.
Patuloy akong aasa.
Patuloy akong masasaktan.
At, patuloy akong magmamahal sa’yo, Clarisse...
Habambuhay.
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Epal mode: Medyo na-rush ko ng konti ang ending guys kasi kailangan kong humabol.. Baka maiwanan na tong story ko.. Kaya pinilit kong tapusin to kahit bugbug-sarado na ako sa studies ko.. Mahal ko kasi kayo mga readers eh... mwaaaaaaah hahah XD
Anyway, okay ba yung ending o medyo magulo? Tell me lang.. ^_^
Para sa'kin, hindi pa talaga ako masyadong satisfied. Marami akong nachange na situations dahil sa pagmamadali eh.. tsaka mejo masyadong madrama.. ewan ko lang kung nakakaiyak.. hehehe.. Anyway, kahit silent readers, I still want to thank you for giving some time in reading my work. Sana kahit papano nagustuhan niyo.
@Ayanne : Ikaw talaga sis! Na-touch na naman ako eh.. hehehe salamat! Naku, pasensya ka na talaga natagalan.. Mahirap talagang maging graduating student.. Hahay.. Sana nagustuhan mo tong ending.. Dedicated this for you.. hehehe :33 <3
