each chapter will contain a blogpost from the girl, sometimes it can be longer than the chapter itself so it might bore you out. i hope you guys wont get bored, maybe you can also learn a thing or two from her blogposts anyway.
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Chapter 1: Of Death and Heartbreaks.
October 30th, 2008.
death = heartbreak?
Woot, i'm back, blogging, and if you're asking why my layout is as plain as this, it's because my webdesigning skills gone too rusty and everything went down the drain. more more emo posts ahead. anticipate more.
in our lives, we all face death– certainly our own, as well as the deaths of our families, friends and loved ones. there is nothing in our in life more inevitable than death, it remains a frightening and emotion laden topic. certainly nothing is more stressful than dealing with a death of a loved one or the contemplation of our own imminent death, and preparing for our own death is one of our most crucial developmental tasks.
generations ago, talk of death is taboo. the topic was never mentioned until someone i-forgot-who(sorry, i didn’t majored in psych or something) brought the subject of death in the open and shown the 5 stages of dealing with death. this is what my short memory span can recall from my psych subject.
DENIAL-in this stage, people resist the idea of dying and even if told that chances of surviving is small, they refuse to admit they are facing death.
ANGER-after denial comes anger. they get angry with people with good health, to doctors who cannot treat them and even God.
BARGAINING-anger leads to bargaining, in which the dying person thinks of ways to postpone death. they dedicate their lives to religion if God saves them.
DEPRESSION- when dying people feel that bargaining is no use, it leads to depression. they realize that their lives are coming to an end.
ACCEPTANCE-in this stage, people accept their impending death. usually they are unemotional and uncommunicative; it is as if they have made peace with them selves and are expecting for death to come.
so, bored now? don’t be, here’s the topic you’ve been waiting for.
so, why do i compare death to a heartbreak? is it that similar? or am i just your resident emo?
i guess everyone knows that a heartbreak is also an INEVITABLE thing in life. it’s impossible that no one ever experienced being in one. it’s either you’re demented or you died to early(so how are you supposed to read this?! WTF?! HAHA)
nothing’s more stressful than being in a heartbreak. crying till you get swollen eyes. hangovers from ‘inuman ng mga bigo’ sessions. pigging out. listening to heartbreaking songs. like, dealing with a heartbreak is one of the most cliche things we know about.
a talk about a heartbreak isn’t much of a taboo, yet people fear or refuse to talk about it, of course, we don’t want memories come crashing through and not to mention shedding a couple of waterworks. so here i am, though i’m not a psychologist or something, i’m here to reveal the 5 stages of dealing with a heartbreak.
DENIAL-most people for instance, refuse to mourn and allow a certain fact to sink in their pea-sized brains– IT’S OVER. they hope and wait. they keep in mind that there is the slightest chance that things would be okay, when reality is shoving an undeniable truth to their asses that they cannot have what they used to have before.
ANGER-denial comes anger, it’s either to yourself, to your ex-otherhalf or to the third party involved. when it comes to yourself, you tend to ponder on your faults and blame yourself for ruining a wonderful relationship, thus, creating anger. to your ex, though love overcomes hate, hate is still inevitable, you develop hatred to your ex because you knew you gave your all yet, it seems it’s not enough for him/her or he/she is really an ultimate !@#$. third party, do i need to elaborate this? and last, anger to God. We keep on asking God, what went wrong? We ask him why do we deserve this pain? Why is he giving this pain? Yet, remember one thing, take it as a compliment, coz God won’t give us pain that we cannot handle.
BARGAINING-We bargain to our ex’s. We promise not to do that, to lessen that, and stuff like that. Other desperate persons even tend to offer stuff just to get their ex’s back. And some run to God, promises God a lot of things just to save the relationship. Am i right?
DEPRESSION-When bargaining is no use, they slowly realize that everything’s over. the fact that everything’s coming to an end is like a knife cleaving slowly through their hearts. slowly and surely ika nga nila. haha. here comes the overrated stuff we do when dealing with a heartbreak.
ACCEPTANCE-In this stage, we accept the fact that IT’S OVER. At first, they show no signs of emotion and refuse to communicate yet as time passes by, they have made peace with everyone involved. Smile with the happy memories and expect for the better. Yet, this stage is the hardest to achieve. It takes years to get to this stage.
So, do you get what i mean? Now, I’m putting a slash in the equals sign that i made in the title coz Death isn’t always equal to a heartbreak.
Why?
Here’s the painful truth of both aspects.
Though i’m catholic, we are uncertain of what happens after death. Is there life after death? It’s a paradox to say that there is coz it is DEATH so how could that be possible? Yet, there’s always LIFE after a heartbeak.
The flipside of this is, after death, gone is the pain. life’s over. yet, after a heartbreak, though there’s the 5th stage, like i said, it takes years to achieve. The pain would always stay, everyday, when you wake up, and like most quotes say, a heartbreak feels like dying yet living to it everyday of your life.
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3 hours earlier.
"Damn pare! Sana di ko na lang sya nakilala eh! Sakit sya sa ulo. Sobra." sabay nagshot ako ng kalahating baso ng Jagerbomb na ginawa namin.
"Even my mom doesn't like her. The only person who can actually stand her is your exgirlfriend, diba Win?""Pare, ayoko na marinig ang salitang 'ex' Hindi ko pa rin matanggap lahat. Sobrang sakit. Gusto ko na mamatay!!!!" Ayan si Arwin, sobrang lasing na eh nangangalhati pa lang kami. Kasalanan nya din yan eh, ilang beses na sya pinatawad ni Lizelle, pero babae dito, babae doon.
"She's clingy and needy. An alcoholic to boot! And guess what, I learned that she slept with a lot of guys before me." Kinabahan tuloy ako, baka may sakit nako nito eh.
"Ano pa ba aasahan mo? Sa bar mo sya nakilala eh. That's why I never get serious with girls that I meet in the bar." Glen, another chickboy. Sya ata ang male counterpart ng ex ko pagdating sa sexual experiences.
I met my ex 6 months ago sa isang bar sa The Fort. I'm not really the type of guy who hooks up with girls during gimiks, but since it's my birthday and the guys are tired of our usual sausage party, I didn't bother if we could have company during that night. Siya naman ang unang lumapit at binati ako ng Happy Birthday eh. I enjoyed her company since she's not the usual stuck up type, she was smart and I really had an intellectual conversation with her. She was fun during our first few dates, but she really creeped me out when she went all clingy and needy on me during the last days of our relationship. I decided to break it off nung naglasing sya ng sobra nun monthsary namen. I never gave her time to explain, and I think she deserves that.
"How I wish, I never met her." Suddenly, the lights went out.
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3 hours later.
"She died 3 hours ago." Pinatong ko ang cellphone ko sa mesa, napansin kong basa pala yun mesa dahil sa moist nun pitcher, kaya pinunasan ko yung phone ko at pinasok na lang sa bulsa ko.
I can't explain why i'm deeply affected by this. Di ko na sya mahal, i mean, di ko nga alam kung minahal ko nga sya eh. Isang oras mahigit kong pinapatahan si Lizelle sa phone, since ayaw naman nya kausapin ang cousin kong si Arwin. I felt guilty tuloy sa mga salitang sinabi ko kanina about sakanya. Pero kasalanan nya din eh, naging isyu na namin ang paginom-inom nya. Sabayan ba naman nya ngayon ng pain killers? I thought she never does drugs.
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID!!!!" Nahampas ko ng malakas yun mesa.
"Pare, patay na yun tao, galit ka pa din sakanya?" sabi sakin ni Laurent, tropa ko na medyo kaclose yun ex ko and nakatext nya din after we broke up.
"Di mo ba naisip na maaring ikaw din ang dahilan kung bakit sya nagkaganun?" sabi naman ni Glen.
"Wag mo nga ako sisihin. Ayoko na magsalita, patahimikin na natin siya." Napahawak ako sa kamay ko, ang sakit pala nun pagkakahampas kong yun.
"Seriously dude, sabi ni Lizelle, under investigation pa nga kung suicide ba to o aksidente lang eh. They reviewed her online blog and it seems na she was so depressed during your break up." Kinuha ni Laurent ang laptop ko at binuksan ang internet browser.
Pinuntahan ni Laurent ung website ng blog ng ex ko.Habang loading yung page, sinara ko ang laptop ko at nilagay sa case,
"Tigilan nyo nga yan. Guilt trip ba gusto nyo?"Tumayo si Arwin at niligpit ang mga gamit nya,
"San ka pupunta?" "Pupuntahan ko si Lizelle, kailangan nya ako ngayon.." Sinuot nya ang jacket nya at kinuha nya mula sa bulsa nito ang susi ng ngangarag-ngarag nyang kotse.
"Baliw ka ba? Tignan mo, ni hindi ka makatayo ng deretso!" Hinawakan ko sa balikat si Arwin.
Tinignan lang ako ni Arwin, mukhang hindi sya magpapapigil.
"Ok, let me drive. Pwede ba yun?""At kame lang ni Glen ang maiiwan dito sa resthouse mo na may multo? No way! Sama na kame!" Hay, nagkaloko-loko na ang supposed to be sembreak getaway namin. Si Arwin naman kasi eh.
Mga sampung minuto kami nagligpit at nagayos, yun caretaker na lang siguro maglilinis ng kalat namin.
Drive pala ha, ayun, nakaupo na agad si Arwin sa kotse sa tabi ng driver's seat at nakayuko na. Blackout na siguro.
Stinart ko na ang engine habang inaantay si Laurent na napakabagal kumilos. Si Glen naman nakasakay na at naglalaro lang sa laptop ko.
At sa wakas, sumakay na si Laurent at tumabi kay Glen. Si Arwin, hindi pa pala tulog, ayan at nagdrudrunk texting kay Lizelle.
Dahil madaling umaga, walang traffic sa slex, medyo aantok antok pako, ng..
"Pare! Tignan mo tong nabasa ko sa blog ng ex mo!" Aba, at nagbabasa parin pala sila ng blog ng ex ko!
nilingon ko sila at sinigawan,
"diba sabi ko tantanan nyo na yan diba!""Onga, hindi nya naman pala ginusto malasing nun araw na yun..""Of course di nya ginusto yun.." Sabi ko in a sarcastic tone.
"Someone drugged her drink. She actually made a surprise dinner for you that day." What?
"ooohh...urrrrrrrrk!" sumuka na ang Arwin!
Nawala na ako sa focus at biglang sumigaw si Glen "Mark!!!!!!!! May truck!!!"
*CRASH!*
