REDRIVEN: Commitment (BIT I) - finished exams and ready to come back!

[nabbiechan]

Hi guys. I used to write a story here before but I vanished because of personal reasons. But yeah, I came back kasi namiss ko talaga mag sulat ulet. Hope you guys will like it.

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This story is dedicated to Manuel Kraus.

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I: HINDSIGHT

"bakit ka ba ganyan?"

sabay agaw sa iPod na ninanavigate ko.

"What the f--"

"kinakausap kita"

I sighed.

"balik mo muna ipod ko."

"no."

Anyway, nilelecture nanaman ako ni Mark. Bakit daw ganito ang ugali ko at bakit daw wala akong pakialam sa pakiramdam ng iba. Recently kasi nakipagbreak ako ng walang rason kay-- Well, Do we need to know his name?

I took a deep breathe and sighed again, preparing for the speech na minemorize ko kagabi.

"Mark, I don't expect you to forgive me for the things I do. Kung makarma man ako, kasalanan ko yun. Besides, I'm actually giving this guy a favor, mas masasaktan naman siya lalo kung kami diba? Clearly naman, wala akong intensyon na makipag seryoso, so kung may natitira pa sa 'king kabaitan, that is to let him go"

I totally nailed him.

"Kung may natira ka pang kabaitan, you shouldn't have been with that guy in the first place."

And he left. Just like that.

Does he really think that lecturing me this way will work? Does he think that maybe me, as a woman, will want someone to be concerned about me more than to just lecture me about unnecessary things?

Maybe all I really want was his attention?

"HEY! MY IPOD!"

And yet, Mark was the closest thing to a friend that I've got. Everyone hated my guts. Pero di naman ako loner, nakikipagusap naman ako sa iba for the sake of my grades.

"Hey, Elliz. Sup?"

Who's this guy?

"yo, not much" and I walk off.

"Nuod ka ba ng game kagabi?" Pasigaw niyang pahabol sa 'kin. Ooh I remember now

"May game ba kagabi? Di ko napanood eh. Watch ko nalang replay ngayon" and really walked off.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not popular. Hilig ko lang makipaghalubilo sa mga tao, yun din siguro dahilan bakit wala talaga akong ka-close. Friendly lang sila sayo pag marunong ka makisama. Otherwise, you don't belong or you get isolated.

"your ipod."

And he left again.

Oh he came back. 

"I forgive you, Elliz."

Tinalikuran ko lang siya.



...How much of that phrase is really true?

---

"Hey. This is actually good to think na hindi ka naman maglalaw"

Masyadong behave ang bisita. Nakikialam.

Pero ako naman ang konsintidora, hinahayaan ko lang siyang magbasa ng mga notes ko sa Legal Studies.

"one A+ won't help me get in my course."

"B, A, A+, you'll only need to get 3 more A+"

"Kala mo kasi ganun kadali. "

Tinawag na kami ni mama para kumain sa baba. His name is Ben. Anak siya ng isang family friend na binababy sit namin pag pumupunta sa work si tita at saka nalang pipickup-in after ng work ng daddy niya. He was 2 years younger, pero napakasmart-arse . Since hindi ko naman naexperience na magkaroon ng siblings, younger brother na ang turing ko sa kanya kaya hinahayaan ko lang siya na magtitingin ng gamit ko sa kwarto.

"kamusta school niyo?"

"Okay lang ang school, panget pa rin"

I wanted to say shitty pero baka magalit lalo e.

"Elizabeth. "

"Haha. totoo naman kasi ma. Under represented ang school namin tapos naging worse pa nung binagyo ang library. To think na yung psychology teacher ko eh parati nalang wala. Ano kaya mangyayari sa end of year exams namin kung wala kaming matutunan?"

"I second the motion. Pero mali pa rin na sinabi mong panget ang school."

Damn this kid.

"Tita, di ka na nasanay kay Ate Elliz, once na magsalita yan di mo na mapigilan "

"Pero may point ako kahit ganun "

"o sige na tama na. Hanggang ngayon ang hilig niyo magdebate!"

Nung natapos na kaming kumain, nag aya si Ben na pumunta sa park bago kami magtutor. Nagbabalak sumunod sa mga yapak ko kaya parehas din ang mga subject na kinukuha niya.  Although kung alam ko lang...

"Mas makakatipid ako at makakapag ipon ng ep sa ran"

Loko talaga.

"Elliz."

He doesn't call me ate when we're alone. Yes, that's how respectful he is.

"hmm?"

"Wala ka ng dinadala sa bahay ah..."

"Huh?"

Pero alam ko anong sinasabi niya.

"You know what I mean, It's been awhile..."

Hahaha.

Yes. It's been awhile. He looked at me with a worried eyes. I wasn't sad. For some reason, I'm okay. I stared at the slide and thought blankly of vague memories.
 
"Ben."

I patted his head.

"You know so much for your age...and so little."




How can I be this calm?

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EDIT: Okay so emoticons are back to normal.

Anyway, comments are highly appreciated.

[yhukie]

First... Ahahaha!!

Grats to your new story. 

[nabbiechan]

^Excited ka lang talaga. 

Salamatttt.

[orlaith24]

..zup? Nakita ko lang..
Makikibasa po, anyway, orlaith heya!!!

[nabbiechan]

hahaha! salamat! mag update ako mamaya

[nabbiechan]

RESILIENCE.

- the ability to become better after something bad happens.
- the ability to move on (moving forward)
- Elastic

"What do we mean by elastic? Rubber band is elastic but how do we relate it in terms of resilience?"

"Can we say elastic is.. um, the same as coping with different circumstances?"

"Yes! good girl! Elastic, guys, when you stretch it, it comes back. Yeah? so..."

Bata pa pala ako.  But anyway...

Bad things happen. You can either let it destroy you...or you can be resilient about it.

"Is Keller being resilient?"

Inaanalyse namin yung mga characters sa novel.

"he's not." pabulong ko.

"go on, Elliz."

"The fact that he became a drinker..."

Sinenyasan niya ako as if saying na dagdagan ko pa daw yung answer ko.

"He wanted to forget his guilt by drinking."

"Good. and?"

"Ah! the loss of his family!"

I love the level of participation within our English class. So pag nastuff up ka, may sasalo sa burden mo. 

Anyway, that wasn't the point.

Hindi na ako nagsayang ng oras at nag take notes na agad. Napaka importanteng part kasi 'to.

"But isn't Keller being resilient too? Like when he was about to cut his finger, he told Paul that he couldn't finish the job"

So he was somewhat Resilient.

"To live on... is resilence"

To live on. Really...

I compiled all my notes, along with following my teacher's words.

To live on... is resilience.
But he did become a bitter man and alcoholic. Paul was able to open his emotional walls and he somewhat show some resilience but Paul rejected him.

To live on in adversity~
Maybe in Keller,s case, living on wasn't resilience since he suffered under the guilt of losing his family and thus, become a bitter man. But bitterness isn't always there. Keller is still fragile in some other ways.





She always tells us to not just agree or disagree. She wants us to discuss both sides. Sometimes I wanted to tell her, I wanted to tell everybody. For 7 months, all we ever talked about in English class was always related to what I feel. It worked on my advantage, alright. Pero minsan, the questions that she asked is the very same question I'd like to ask myself.






Am I being resilient?

---

Natapos din naman ang klase. Pero di ko talaga maunawaan kung bakit mabilis lumipas ang oras pag nagbibigay payo ka sa mga discussions. Pero kahit mabilis, yung feeling, di agad-agad nawawala.

"Bryan, I need to talk to you"

Mahilig akong makinig sa usapan ng iba. Pero alam ko lang, di ko naman pinagsasabi.  Kaya binagalan ko pagaayos ng gamit ko at paglalakad sa pinto.

"What's wrong? You don't look well"

"I'm okay, miss."

blah blah blah.

"I just need to quit work"

"Okay, you think you can?"

Actually  di ako nakikinig. Nabaling ang atensyon ko sa kanya kasi nagkatitigan kami nung tinatanong siya kung okay lang daw ba siya. Ako naman, dahil mabait ako, tumingin naman ako na parang worried. 

I used to like Bryan. Pero nung narealize ko na may gusto pala ang friend ko sa kanya, medyo lumayo ako at nagiba ng magugustuhan. Though when I went single, saka lang kami nagkakausap ulet. My admiration to him wasn't that strong anyway.

Nung natapos ang usap nila, sabay na kami lumabas. Ganun din naman ang sinabi niya nung tinanong ko kung may problema ba siya kaya nagoffer nalang ako na kung may kailangan siya sabihan niya lang ako. You know, a friendly offer. .

It sounded like I'm plastic. Well, maybe I am.

"Finished your cheatsheet for legal?"

I laughed at him as if I won't forget. 

"When are you starting? Di ko rin nagawa."

"Probably Tonight. Pero kasi naman, ayoko 'tong topic natin. Mabuti pang nagmememorize ng mga key terms and analysing shits."

"Why am I not surprised?  "

Napa "lel" naman ( ) ako at nilapit mukha ko sa kanya.

"Because. You are the closest thing to me. "

"Oh my. I can see you blushing there.  "

"Do not compare me." to the ones na madaling utuhin

"Pero kidding aside, Mark I don't get it." I straigtened up and sat at the opposite seat towards him.

"I thought you're smart?"

Mark is sort of... a killjoy. HAHA. PANIRA NG MOMENT.

HAHAHA. Right. ... Napaka impossibleng mag open ng topic sa 'yo. 

Wawalk out na sana ako. Kaso bigla akong tinawag para ituloy ko daw sinasabi ko.

"nevermind, shall we study together? "

I think It's better that I didn't mention any, because I am smart. I do know that He...

...has indeed, never denied any of my requests.

"Two girls want to play football in a Saturday competition. The football club refuses to let them play, claiming that the competition is only for boys."

"This case could be heard by the Equal Opportunity Commisssion and the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal at Anti-discrimination List. The Anti-Discrimination list has the power to hear cases of unlawful discrimination. Um.... This... This... includes discrimination on the basis of age, impairment, physical features.... being a member of a union, anu pa.... oh, political belief, unlawful sexual activity, race, religious belief etcetera."

"Not enough. Where's the connection from the case study?"

"Hmp. For the record, hindi necessary na i-link ang case study sa mga sagot mo.  Anyway, A person who believes that they have been discriminated. Which in this case, were the two girls. They can make a complaint to the Equal Opportunity Commission. The complaint must be made within 12 months of the act of discrimination. The Commission has the power to order that the parties attend conciliation. If the commission decides that the complaint does not have substance, or cannot reasonably be conciliated, the person has the option of taking their complaint to the Anti-discrimination List. The anti discrimination list is independent of the Commission. The hearings of VCAT in the Anti-discrimination List adopt an arbitration process and each party is given an opportunity to present their own case. "

My brains are drying out soon. 

"what should be the last avenue when filing a civil case?"

" and I thought you're getting back at me. , it's the court."

"Mabait ako eh. "

To my surprise, tumayo siya at sumandal sa table malapit sa 'kin.

"hmmm."

What's he on about?

"Oh napano ka?"

"If you like someone... No, if you love someone, and they don't feel the same way with you anymore. Are you going to love him anyway? Or you'll move on?"

What's with this all of a sudden?

 

"Elizabeth Liaw, didn't you have something to think through?"

O_O.


"What the hell, Mark!" I pushed him away and walked fast.



Fich. Just fich.






And to answer my own question: No. I'm not resilient. I'm emotionally fragile, just like Keller. 

=/=

Fich = "fck" in German.

[gheeyah]

"If you like someone... No, if you love someone, and they don't feel the same way with you anymore. Are you going to love him anyway? Or you'll move on?"

hmmm kung ako si elis ako ay mag mmove on HAHAHA buti na yun kesa mas masaktan pa noh

gia pala new reader

[nabbiechan]

^Hi gia. Salamat sa pagbabasa. I'll updated tomorrow. 

EDIT: Hope more will comment.

[gheeyah]

^Hi gia. Salamat sa pagbabasa. I'll updated tomorrow. 

EDIT: Hope more will comment.

sure thing sis pero baka di ako makabasa tomorrow i'll try parin 

wag kang mag-alala may babasa pa neto 

sis BTW if may time ka daan ka sa story ko ah click A and C 

[nabbiechan]

@gia: I won't be free until the 10th of november 'coz that'll be my last exam sa school. But after that I'll be free to roam around creative corner again and scanlate mangas.  I apologize for that, writing the story is actually my break from the piles of books. 

=/=


"I might get your heart racing, in my skin-tight jeans. Be your teenage dream tonight"

Pauwi na ako. Pero ang boring kasi at nadedepress nanaman ako. Eh wala naman tao sa paligid ko kaya kumakanta ako habang sumasayaw. I was literally dancing a somewhat Marimar style.

"Let you put your hands on me. In my skin-tight jeans. Be your teenage dream tonight"

"What, are you mad now? "

 . I turned around gracefully.

Oh.

"I'm not mad yet, bich . What brought you here?"

"You expect me to answer after being called a bich?"

----

"I can't believe your back."

At least a long time ago, I have close friends. Pero despite our so-called bond, I can't really tell kung gano kami ka-close. All I know is that, when I was suffering, no one was there for me.

But sometimes when I see them all coming back, I suddenly wished for the past to come again. So it lead me to a conclusion not to repeat the past again, and to stay away as much as possible.

I know better than that, though. I was able to face the hard part myself. I wouldn't look so much better now if it wasn't for the scar. The scar that helped me accept things as they are...

...and yet to teach me how to face complicated circumstances.

"It's been 2 years."

"Didn't think you'll notice. "

Me and Sarah talked for awhile at home, mostly about Boys stuff. I told her everything that she is supposed to know. Inaayos ko mga libro at binalik sa cabinet ng study table ko habang nagfafacebook siya sa computer.

"Gusto mo mag shop Elliz?"

"Yeah. I probably need to shop for school supplies and some study guides"

Sarah was like: 

"No, I mean, clothes and stuff."

"Oh. I did that with mum last week. So okay pa naman ako"

I didn't need to glance to see her reaction.

Umupo siya sa bed ko habang pinapanuod akong magligpit.

"Tell me when you're free"

Nag smile lang ako. Then nagpaalam na siya para makagawa ako ng homework ko.

I don't know what to make up of that.

But I felt bad. Kaya hinabol ko siya.

"Hey."

Lumingon naman.

"I need to have a wax. Wanna come?"

"Sure."

Being plastic wasn't actually a part of my personality. Although being concern with the others is something I can't believe I still possess.

-----

"Hey"

I was flicking through the pages of my Math book while thinking about random things.

"Hey"

Looking at this stupid graphs, I feel sleepy just looking at it. Maybe I should really do Law. Or any courses that only offers basic graphs.

"ELLIZ!"

"Oh hey."

"Have you seen Mark?"

What the. Someone just shouted at me just to ask for him? 

"Why are you asking me?"

"Aren't you two going out?"
 


Assuming we were friends is an acceptable excuse but what the heck was that. 

"We never were so shut up."

"Okay Geez. May mood swing ata si Elliz."

Just because I was close with a guy doesn't mean we're together. He's not even my friend to begin with. He was someone else's friend.  I remember the time when I met him, he seems to know how to convince everybody. Except at that time, I wasn't actually paying attention at him.

But life was full of surprises, and we got to know each other even more. Yung ginawa niya kahapon? That wasn't the first time na ginawa niya yun. Hindi pa ako sanay, but I'll get by. We usually don't talk after that. Babalik din ulit sa normal yan pagkatapos mabigyan kami pareho ng sapat na space.

Although I admit, I'm getting tired of this repetitive nonsense.

"Haha napanood ko yung game, grabeh naman natalo yung team ko. "

"Pero pag nanalo sila sa next game pasok pa rin naman sila from elimination round."

"Kahit na. Nakakadisappoint pa din yun. "

"Nanunuod ka ba ng tennis?"

"Well, pag natalo ulet sila baka nga iswitch ko na sa Tennis channel."

"hahha wala na di na pasok team mo!"

"as if na hindi. "

Then I saw Sarah with a bunch of books approaching me.

"This is not good. "

"That's like half of what I have.  "

I know. I tease her alot. 

"What I mean is, It's not so bad. I can help you."

"Really?  "

"Yeah."

Well. Whatever.

Since she's in my psychology class. I was able to explain to her the topics na cinover na ng klase. I lend her some of my notes with full explanation. Kailangan kasi dahil laging wala nga ang teacher. And as usual, wala nga siya. I don't get why she's still taking over our class. Mabuti pa yung teacher namin last year, laging nandyan. I actually asks him some questions in regards sa topic namin ngayon. You can't blame me. As a graduating student, a teacher's presence is essential. You have to use them. They have to be there to support so you can learn as much as you can until maging ready ka na sa exam.

But if they're not doing their job well enough, It doesn't have to stop there. I can't blame her for the downfall of my grades. You can't just let anyone to prevent you from meeting your own goal. In the end, it's not their loss. It was yours.

"You've changed." while fiddling with her pen.

"Surprised?"

"No. In fact, I should have realized that."

"I'm not bitter, though."

"You are."

"Sar, define bitterness."

"eh? "

"See? you don't even know." Yes. The look on her face says so. "So you can't really argue that I am bitter. Because whether I like it or not, I am alone but I don't mind. If god will someday give me a friend in this place, that person will have to be patient if he or she understands my situation."

I gave a smug behind her back. At least I know how it feels to have the past to come back to you.

And I tell you, It was so boring I can just laugh my butt over it.





=/=

EDIT: I would appreciate some comments.

[Jajazzbee]

Hi there. new reader here. Nice start!

[shawty24]

Wow...i really like your story...
this is the story i can relate the most..
im not smart though like she is
and not brave like her...
but i can understand...
i cant wait to know her past...

[nabbiechan]

Hi there. new reader here. Nice start!

salamat new reader. Kahit di ako malabigay ng expression. I am happy 

Wow...i really like your story...
this is the story i can relate the most..
im not smart though like she is
and not brave like her...
but i can understand...
i cant wait to know her past...

Oh thank you! I guess none of us are brave enough -- yet. It's not impossible naman as long as we have the will.  Thank you so much!

======

I gave everyone kudos for reading and commenting since now I've discovered that I do have readers. I hope you all keep supporting all the way. 

(I know I'm melodramatic at times.  )

=/=

"Hey...do you think we'll see each other again?"

"Oo naman no. Bakit naman hindi? Makakapagchat naman tayo"

"But I...


...I wanted to be with you."

~~~

Damn. A nightmare.

It was 5 in the morning and the sun was just about to rise. Inaantok ako, langya. So I fixed my alarm first and realized something.

"Oh that's why the dream came."

I don't know, I just like talking a loud to myself just to make sure I'm awake.

----

We sincerely apologise for the major delays and disruptions experienced across the network this morning.

A faulty overhead power line caused a power outage severely limiting the amount of trains we could move through that section.

The resultant congestion caused major delays and cancellations on all train lines, while emergency repair works were undertaken.

 
and blah blah blah.

"Anu ba yan, pano ako bibiyahe kung walang train? "

"Didn't they fix it?"

"Newspaper didn't mention anything about it being fixed."

"It's because you're reading yesterday's one."

 

"Then don't leave it in the table!"

"San ka pupunta pala?"

"I don't know. Weekends naman eh. Would you mind?"

"Well make sure you tell your dad."

"sure. Speaking of which, san siya?"

"He'll be back in a bit"

After washing dishes nagcheck muna ako ng timetable ng mga biyahe. Every 45 minutes and interval and I have about 30 minutes left to pamper up.

Then I went across an ad.

Take a trip to Oslo, Norway! For as low as $1544!

Hmm. A trip to norway...

~~~
I wanted to go to Norway."
~~~

I hate this flashbacks.

And yet, I'm going out for the sake of old times.

"Ingat ka sa train mamaya at umuwi ng maaga."

"Yeah dad. But don't budge in the door quietly. Parang multo eh.  "

My dad smiled. He doesn't laugh much.

"Bakit Norway?"

I turned off my computer, took my bag and went out of the room. Sumunod naman siya since Ihahatid niya ako.

Bakit nga ba Norway?

I turned to him and smiled blankly.
 
"Brings back memories."

---

While waiting for the train, I took out my little notebook along with a ticket. It's a ticket to a soccer match between Storm v Raiders at AAMI Park.

PREMIUM A TICKET.

It's actually 2 tickets. Oo, napakalaki kong tanga.  It was a waste of money since I'm coming alone. I didn't ask anyone since I know that Sarah's not interested. And anybody else... well, they're not really worth this ticket.

I was getting impatient so I went back sa loob pero dahil nga napakalaki kong tanga, Nakabangga tuloy ako ng matanda.

"Oh my. I'm sorry!"

Oh it wasn't an old man.

" "

---

"Seriously. Let go man! "

"Stop whining if you don't want to get lost."

I did stopped complaining and fixed my hair. I hate my uncontrolled outrage. Just when all I want is to be left alone, here comes a black sheep of my life.

"What about my tickets?"

I can't believe I actually went to a different train with this guy. I can't go back now since It will take 30 minutes till I get to the next stop which is actually a longer route. Sigh.

Well, he looked at me and took my ticket and ripped it.

HE RIPPED IT?!

"My treat."

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

He doesn't have the right to do that. Seriously that was friggin $40! He doesn't have the right to--

hold my hand.

"Just trust me now."

I don't understand. If he wanted to help me that bad, why does he have to bring it up most of the time? What was he trying to imply with that?

---

We went to a cultural festival called "Love our nation". There was traditional dancing, hip hop dancing, reviving drama and so on. I didn't care about any of those and went straight ahead to the free sushi stand .

"Markkk, free taste oh!"

"I'm surprised you get excited with all this. "

"Well no one told me they have free tastes. "

I actually never paid attention to all the programs, I think I ate half of the free foods and actually took some home.

"Wanna go home now?"

I looked at him while munching on my kutsinta.

I actually don't want to yet.

"waaaaah "

We saw a dog approaching us.

"Huh? you hate dogs? 

"Hindi ka ba nagbabasa ng newspaper? There were horrible stories!"

"Hahaha!  Newspapers, huh? They are the goitre of the world."

I hid behind him and actually hang on to his arm. Aside from the fact that he smells good, I feel a little intense with the dog staring at me.

"Make him go away! "

"HAHAHAHAHA! "

That was soo embarrassing.

"but don't get me wrong! I mean I like some dogs... you know, puppies? like that white little puppy over there"

"What? And you just want to get away from a black dog? That's so racist!^-^"

"Hey I get scared of dalmations too! "

"Wow."

"Stop wow-ing let's just go. "

and He held my hands again.

"Can you keep trusting me like that?" "

 



"Fine. Let's be friends from now on."

[candid_queen]

ahhh..Redriven..
what a nice story..nagegets ko si Elliz..
and what's nicer is ang bilis ng update.

[nabbiechan]

ahhh..Redriven..
what a nice story..nagegets ko si Elliz..
and what's nicer is ang bilis ng update.

I usually finish an update every 2 days. So the next would have to be on tuesday. But thank you, really!