I’ve been pretty upset with myself lately. Well, actually.. More frustrated than upset. Or I guess you can say both.
Ever since I could do things and think for myself. I always knew what kind of person I was/am. I never let anyone tell me what I should be, how I should wear certain things, to brush or not to brush my hair, to wear heels or not, I never cared if my hair was long or short or if I had boobs or not. I would always do things MY way when it came to me and my physical appearance. I would never dress up or try to look good for anyone but me. I never cared if I was fat or skinny, all I knew was that I loved eating anything and everything and I would rather die fat and happy than skinny and depressed. I would be able to walk in a room full of people and felt confident about myself. Even if there was a 5’10 beautiful skinny model in the room. Basically, I’ve always felt good about myself no matter what shape or size I was/am. I loved myself in and out.
Now, I’m frustrated because I let certain people’s opinions of me get to me. I don’t feel as confident as I did before. I’ve been taking these pills to get skinner, faster. To be honest, it makes me feel like !@#$. And I can’t even believe why I’m doing this to myself. I feel like I have to prove something to someone. I feel like I want to just shout out “LOOK AT ME! I CAN BE JUST AS PRETTY/SEXY/HOT/BEAUTIFUL AS HER!” at the top of my lungs. I go to places, walk in there and to be honest, I feel so insecure when I see those girls there. Wherein before, I wouldn’t really care. I thought that “Okay, we all have different beauty. And ALL OF US ARE BEAUTIFUL.” But, now I feel like its a competition. I’ve tightened up my dresses, shortened my skirt, loaded more make up on my face and got higher heels. And I’m so pissed off at myself, because why do I have to slut it up when I go out just to make myself feel better?! I’ve become someone else. Trying to please everyone but myself. I’ve never felt so insecure, so unwanted, so unappreciated, so incomplete in my whole entire life. I’ve been hurting a lot lately because of this and I do realize what I’m doing to myself. There’s no one to blame but me. I’ve let those people get the best of me and I need to get it back. I need to start loving myself again. I’m not saying I’m going to let myself go and get fat and ugly. I’m just going to do what I feel like doing when it comes to these things. I’m going to wear whatever the eff I want. Because I need people to accept me for who I am, not who I’m not. Anyways, wish me luck. I know this won’t be easy, Not being Dramatic/OA, I just want to burst it all out, Im sorry. :')