Iíve been pretty upset with myself lately. Well, actually.. More frustrated than upset. Or I guess you can say both.
Ever since I could do things and think for myself. I always knew what kind of person I was/am. I never let anyone tell me what I should be, how I should wear certain things, to brush or not to brush my hair, to wear heels or not, I never cared if my hair was long or short or if I had boobs or not. I would always do things MY way when it came to me and my physical appearance. I would never dress up or try to look good for anyone but me. I never cared if I was fat or skinny, all I knew was that I loved eating anything and everything and I would rather die fat and happy than skinny and depressed. I would be able to walk in a room full of people and felt confident about myself. Even if there was a 5í10 beautiful skinny model in the room. Basically, Iíve always felt good about myself no matter what shape or size I was/am. I loved myself in and out.
Now, Iím frustrated because I let certain peopleís opinions of me get to me. I donít feel as confident as I did before. Iíve been taking these pills to get skinner, faster. To be honest, it makes me feel like !@#$. And I canít even believe why Iím doing this to myself. I feel like I have to prove something to someone. I feel like I want to just shout out ďLOOK AT ME! I CAN BE JUST AS PRETTY/SEXY/HOT/BEAUTIFUL AS HER!Ē at the top of my lungs. I go to places, walk in there and to be honest, I feel so insecure when I see those girls there. Wherein before, I wouldnít really care. I thought that ďOkay, we all have different beauty. And ALL OF US ARE BEAUTIFUL.Ē But, now I feel like its a competition. Iíve tightened up my dresses, shortened my skirt, loaded more make up on my face and got higher heels. And Iím so pissed off at myself, because why do I have to slut it up when I go out just to make myself feel better?! Iíve become someone else. Trying to please everyone but myself. Iíve never felt so insecure, so unwanted, so unappreciated, so incomplete in my whole entire life. Iíve been hurting a lot lately because of this and I do realize what Iím doing to myself. Thereís no one to blame but me. Iíve let those people get the best of me and I need to get it back. I need to start loving myself again. Iím not saying Iím going to let myself go and get fat and ugly. Iím just going to do what I feel like doing when it comes to these things. Iím going to wear whatever the eff I want. Because I need people to accept me for who I am, not who Iím not. Anyways, wish me luck. I know this wonít be easy, Not being Dramatic/OA, I just want to burst it all out, Im sorry. :')