Her eyes could say it all. With just a glimpse of her swollen and blodshotted eyes, you can easily decipher what they are trying to say, that their holder is tired, extremely tired from crying her heart out, from trying to wipe out those heavy feeling constricting her breath with only her eyes willing to serve as a vent. For once more, she then allowed it all to come out as those cruel and nasty memories continuously start to fiercely invade her whole being even more. It then all came to her at once, hardly bearable to anyone to endure, she struggled to run after her breath, as the monstrous creature which tyrannize her force her to have a trip to the past again. She close her eyes, her tears squeeze itself out, draw another breath and unwillingly, go through It all again.
if there’s something i am sure i’ve did my best to exert an effort at, it is that to convince myself that i am something. that i do stand for something, the thing is I just i dont know how to prove it yet. that i can be something, despite of all those voices strongly determined to crush me down. that someday, somehow, i could be able to pull out the real person dwelling inside this frizzy haired frumpy looking girl. i tried so hard, so much, to rise up every fall, to treat every wounds caused by sharp tongues on my own, to ignore it all and carry on. but now, i just dont think it’s any more possible for me to go on. my mind’s brutally tattered by destructive thoughts, my heart’s mercilessly shattered by careless, cruel words’ of others. my whole being’s terribly bruised, inside and out. my life is an ceaseless duel between me and myself; an neverending war against myself, a non-stop harsh argument of my heart against my mind.
i don’t know what’s waiting for me on the end of this line. i don’t know how I could get there or if i still want to, either. as day passes by, it is becoming harder, more unbearable to stand up with my feet, to walk confidently, to enjoy myself together even with my loudest friends, to face things as they come.. things just cant go any easy. in fact, it never has been. with this feeling of hopelessness, of frustrations and uncertainty eating you up inside, it will surely never be.
And so now, I am all done convincing myself that there IS a good, a brighter side of my life. I am all tired forcing myself to believe, so sick of waiting for this ceaseless bullshits to end. Maybe it’s the time to let loose and just be glided along the high pressured boiling with infinite miseries stream of life. In the end, everything rotates around the shitty games of life and so, what’s the point of ever trying to fight it out? I’ll just end up, with or no effort, beaten and damned. I’ve ALWAYS been, believe me; every fraction second of my life, for the whole 16 years of my existence in this bullshit world, in everything I try my best to excel at, in figuring out where I actually stand out, I always and constantly ending up beaten and damned.
Well… These WERE my thoughts, my point of view in life, not until that day, not until I met that guy.
