CandyMag.Com

It’s surprising how this one little thing that happened in school today could bring out so many mixed emotions in me. I guess you could say I might be in trouble. And it starts and ends with AJ.

I remember waking up in an awfully good mood this morning, which was so unlike me because I’m not a morning person. I sang “Baby, One More Time” in the shower, remembering that yesterday, AJ patted me on the back after my Christian Living report and said, “Good job!” I was humming as I got dressed, choosing tos lather on my delicious smelling lotion (saved for special occasions) instead of my regular bland formula for extra dry skin. I was thisclose to blow-drying my hair, then reconsidered. That’s probably too much trouble for someone who’s not my boyfriend — yet!

So I was pretty confident I was looking my best today. I even put my hair down instead of up in my usual ponytail. He came late — so I had to scrap the morning chit chat scenario playing in my head that started with him saying, “I really can’t get over how well you discussed the third sacrament yesterday.” And then it happened. Not 10 minutes into class, I saw him passing notes with Lianne, and the exchange continued four or five times more. I don’t know who started it (does it even matter?), but I can tell you this much — I felt a strange pang, which I can’t quite put a finger on. I think it might’ve actually hurt.

Of course I know he’s not my boyfriend. And we’re not together. And he might not even like me. And he can do whatever he wants. But that’s not the point. The point is, when you’re in like, you set yourself up for things like this only to get stumped when things don’t play out the way you imagined it would. You decide to write about him in your diary, a very clear indication that he’s not someone you see yourself getting tired of easily, only to write three or four pages later about how you’ve embarrassed yourself today. When you’re “in like,” it’s as if you’re on a rollercoaster — some days you’re up, some days you’re down, some days you’re in a loop with nowhere to go.

And that’s not even scratching the surface. On very unfortunate days when you find yourself strangely jealous of whoever it is he’s decided to talk to instead of you, your ego takes a self-beating. You pit yourself against She-Who-Was-Lucky and though you’re the judge, you almost always come out the loser. Never mind that you’re up against Lianne, Queen of Mean, who gets her kicks out oftalking down to people. You figure inner beauty must not really amount to much. All that matters really is that she’s taller than you are, her body’s better developed, her skin’s creamier, her hair’s shinier, and her eyes are prettier. What does it matter that you’re more intelligent? How smart do you need to be to converse through note-passing anyway?

What’s worse is it’s nobody’s fault but yours. You didn’t have to wake up that morning and tell yourself this was going to be the day he’d profess his undying affection, or at least clue you in on the fact that he likes you. No one told you to get your hopes up. There were no signs that today would be the day. But no, you had to cook up that crazy idea in your head and pass it off as possible. That’s really sad. What sadder is you’ve written six paragraphs about something that might not have happened the way you’re thinking it did. For all you know, Lianne was just asking AJ about how five words ought to be spelled.

But then again, what this is really about, is not so much the fact that they were passing notes today, but the fact that when you’re in like, you’re not 100 percent in control of things anymore. There’s this wild card you’re depending on to be the icing on your cake everyday. When you crush on someone, you invite uncertainty into your life. Sometimes, it’s fun, but often it’s scary. When you’re in like, you put yourself in a position where you can find yourself helpless. The only thing you can do is decide whether this boy is worth the ride or not. Or else, realize that you’re probably just bent out of shape because it’s that time of the month.